Moses Jokes

[Updates Christian Mingle bio] "Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first" "You have 999 new matches"

*Moses opens tablet* You have TEN unread commandments.

"Write this down." [Moses grabs tablet] "Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?"

"Write this down." [Moses grabs tablet] "Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-" "Slow down, fella. It's gonna take me an hour to carve 'Thou'."

When Moses came down with the Commandments, It was the greatest Retweet in History.

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it's a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

[moses parts sea] Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids Moses: thats my only trick

"I just went on a hike and suddenly I can tell everyone what's right and wrong." -Moses

God: "MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE." Moses: "New burning bush. Who dis?"

"susan. SUSAN IT'S WORKING GET IN HERE" -Moses practicing parting the water in the bathtub

"LET MY PEEPHOLE GO!" -Moses when the cops found the peephole he installed in the Womens washroom.

"Hey Steve Jobs, I'm really happy for you, And I'ma let you finish, but Moses had the greatest tablet of all time!" -Kanye

baby moses: [crying] mum: "why wont he stop" dad: "throw him in the river lol" mum: "okay" this is from a book called the bible

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

Slave1: I never knew my parents Slave2: same Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river Slave1: do baskets float? Moses: they do not

God: You'll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30 [Later] Moses: We must wander for 40 years

God: write this down Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot God: thou shalt have no- Moses: slow down, pal. It's gonna take me an hour to carve 'Thou'

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

GOD: Moses!! I COMMAND YOU TOcan you take your shoes off MOSES: What? Why G: I'm trying to keep the place nice, OK? M: It's a mountain

Millennial Moses: Just, let my people go or whatev- hang on I'm getting a text.

"I have a cure for your burning bush." Moses hitting on the ladies

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn't shower? Moses. hi i'm your new youth pastor Keith

A Jewish joke my Jewish grandfather sent me. One day at kindergarten the teacher said she would give anyone 10 dollars if they could tell her who the most famous man who ever lived. A little Irish boy said, ""It was St. Patrick!"" The teacher replied, ""I'm sorry Sean, but no."" A young Scottish boy said, ""It was St. Andrew!"" The teacher replied, ""Sorry Hamish, but that is not correct."" Finally, a young Jewish boy named Marvin raised his hand and said, ""It was Jesus Christ."" The teacher re…

As a Jew, I have heard many Jewish jokes, here are a few... Why do Jews have big noses? because air is free... Whats the difference between a Jew and a Pizza? Pizza's don't scream in the oven.... What's faster than a speeding bullet? A Jew with a coupon... How many Jews can you fit into a car? 2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 6 million in the ash tray... Why did Hitler kill himself? he saw his gas bill... Why did Moses split the red sea? He saw a nickle at the bottom... If you all have any I f…

Moses, Jesus and Mohammed were selecting their followers... Moses looks at all the women from whom to create his chosen people, picks out all of the smart ones and tells them to follow him. Jesus' turn comes, he looks at the remaining group, picks all of the most beautiful ones and tells them to follow him. Mohammed takes a look at the remaining group, sighs and says ""cover yourself up""