baby moses: [crying] mum: "why wont he stop" dad: "throw him in the river lol" mum: "okay" this is from a book called the bible

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

A preacher's teenage son gets his driving permit... ... and asks his father to borrow the car. His father says, ""You can if you first bring up your grades, study your Bible and finally get your hair cut. A couple months goes by and the son again asks his father if he can borrow the car. His father says, ""Well, son, you brought your grades up, you've been studying your Bible, but you haven't cut your hair yet."" His son says, ""Yeah, I've been thinking about that and you know Moses had long hai…

Moses is out playing golf with two of his buddies in heaven. He takes a few swings and gets par on the current hole. The next guy swings and gets a hole in one. Moses says to the guy ""Hey, Jesus you're pretty good!"" The third guy takes a swing and misses completely hitting a tree and bouncing into the pond. Then a fish jumps out of the water with the golf ball and the fish is snatched by an eagle. The eagle flies over and the fish drops the golf straight into the hole. Moses looks at Jesus and…