Moses Jokes

So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it's time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in th…

Jesus is watching you A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around …

Jesus and Moses by the beach Jesus and Moses were hanging out by the beach just talking about the good old times. Jesus turns to Moses and asks him. "Hey Moses, can you still part the seas with that staff of yours?" Moses replies, "I haven't done it in a long time but I can try." Moses raises his staff and parts the sea. Jesus was amazed. Moses now turns to Jesus and asks him... "Hey Jesus, can you still walk on water?" Jesus replies... "Yeah I think I can". Jesus starts to walk on water and si…

Jesus and Moses and another guy go for a round of golf So they all line up and Moses hits the ball first. It flies up and lands straight in the pond. Moses then walks to the pond and splits the water in half, chips his ball onto the green and pots it in for par. Jesus then steps up, again hits it into the pond. He walks on the pond finds the ball chips it up onto the green for par. This other guy looks at these two for a moment before stepping up to hit the ball. The ball flies up in the air be…

Jesus, Moses and an Old Man go golfing and they come up to the par 3. Moses steps up to take a swing and plop, right in the pond. So he steps up to the water, raises his hands and separates the water. He strolls up and chips it into the hole for a birdie. Jesus' turn and he plunks it in the drink, too. He walks on the water, takes a swing and chips it in for a birdie. The old man steps up to the tee and takes a swing. And, you guessed it, he drops it into the water. Just then a fish swi…

The most cruel punishment A rabbi is out of town on Yom Kippur. Since nobody knows who he is, he decides to play a round of golf. Up in heaven, God sees him and decides to punish the rabbi for his transgression. However, before God does anything, Moses stops him and says, "Let me take care of this.'' God thinks about it for a moment and say "Ok.'' The rabbi tes off on the first hole, and from above, Moses causes the ball to be a perfect hole in one. This is repeated for the second hole, the th…

A dad and his son... ...talk about the son's first car. The father strikes a deal with his son, "Cut your hair, improve your grades to a B- average, study up on the bible, and then I'll buy you a car." The son, seeing no other option, agrees. Two months later the dad checks in on the son to see him with long hair, reading the bible, and a positive report card. The dad says "son, I'm glad you're studying the bible and raised your grade, but why haven't you cut your hair?" The son replies "well d…

A burglar broke into a house one night... He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for th…

Jesus, Moses, and an Old Man Are Golfing... Moses steps up to the tee, squares up and hits the ball right into the water hazard. He walks up to the water, raises his club, and parts the water. He then hits it in for two. Jesus lines up his shot and hits it right into the water. He walks across the water and hits it in for two. The old man takes his turn and whacks it hard. Right before the ball hits the water, a fish jumps out and bites the ball. Before the fish gets back in the water, a maj…

God and Moses God and Moses were up in heaven when out of the blue Moses said God I really love heaven and find it really cool, but it is starting to get a bit boring up here. Why don't we go down to Earth and have some fun with the local girls down there? God looked at him sternly and said No way Moses, I did that 2000 years ago and they are still talking about it!

George Bush swears he sees Moses in the crowd at a rally.... .....and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to meet such a well-known biblical celebrity. He yells at him, "Sir, you look a lot like a man from the old testament. Are you Moses?" Looking around, the man slowly shakes his head side to side denying the gesture. Bush is not convinced.. one more time he asks, "Sir, I don't see the need to lie to me; are you Moses?" Once again, a back and forth shaking of his head. Bush tells his se…

Jesus, Moses, and Muhammad are fishing on a boat As Jesus winds down the fishing lesson, he notes the time. He bids them farewell, and walks across the lake home. After a while, Moses decided he wasn't very good at fishing, so he parted the lake and went home. Being the last one left, Muhammed ██████████ █████ ████████████████ ██████████ ███████████████ ███████

Jesus and Moses are in Heaven fishing from a rowboat As they were fishing, they began to reminisce the miracles they performed when they were on Earth. Just to see if they could still had the knack, they each decided to do one of their miracles. So, Moses stood up and extended his arms. Sure enough, the waters of the lake parted and the rowboat settled gently to the bottom. He then lowered his arms and the waters closed back in. In a few moments, the lake had returned to normal with the rowbo…

Walking on Water It's the second resurection of Christ. Before the world ends he wants  to take in some fishing. So he gets his friend Moses and they head up  to Minnesota to fish. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says: "Jesus, can't you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there?" So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps onto the lake....and falls  knee deep in water. Moses says, "Well....maybe you need a head start or something, why not  go to the end of the dock and try."…

A Burglar Broke Into a House... A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight Off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so He could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shone his light around frantica…

Jesus and Moses decide to go golfing... They are both having great rounds until they reach the 7th hole. They hit their drives reasonably close to each other in front of a water hazard. Moses then says to Jesus, "You know, you should really use the six iron." Jesus then looks to Moses and says, "No, if Tiger Woods can use the seven iron, then I can use the seven iron." Jesus approaches his ball, and hits it less than 5 yards right into the water hazard. Moses walks over to the hazard, splits th…

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the water trap but still lands in the water. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But ju…

Dubya meets Moses George W Bush was sitting at an airport when he saw a strange man walking by. He had long white hair, a long white beard, wore robes, and rocked sandals that clicked against the floor along with his staff. Dubya got up and stood in front of him. "Hey, aren't you Moses?" Moses pretended he couldn't see him. Dubya asked again, but again Moses was looking away intently. Finally Dubya grabbed the man's arm and said, "Why are you so unfriendly??" To that Moses finally respond…

My grandpa told me this one! One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was." An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either." Finally, a Jewish boy, Adam,…

Splitting the Red Sea Moses was leading the Jews while being chased by the Pharaoh and his men. In a moment of foolishness, he walked right up to the Red Sea. They were trapped. "God dammit," said Moses. So God did.

A teenager had just passed his drivers test, and he asked his dad to buy him a car "Dad, will you be able to get me a car?" Asked the boy "I suppose a car would be in order *if* you can raise your grades from C's to B's, you study your Bible, and cut your hair." Replied the father. After contemplating for many hours, the boy decided it was a good and fair compromise. Six weeks later, the father is astonished. His son was excelling in school, he studied his Bible every day, but his hair was s…

Jesus, Moses, and a bearded guy are all playing golf together They get to the first hole and it's a long one with a big deep water hazard in the middle. Par 4 Jesus takes a shot. It lands on this tiny patch of dirt on the right edge of the hazard. Jesus doesn't want to take a penalty for a drop and he stinks at shooting left handed so he decides to just walk out on the water and make his shot. It lands on the green and he puts it in. Birdie. Moses steps up. He takes a shot. This one is going …

So Jesus and Moses go to play golf... ...and its the very first tee off. Jesus says to Moses, "Hey, I think I can make this first shot in one, right over the lake." "Only Tiger Woods could make that shot." says Moses. So Jesus tries anyway, and his golf ball lands him right in the lake. So Moses parts the water, gives Jesus back his ball, and Jesus tries again. "I can really do it this time" says Jesus, at which point Moses rolls his eyes..."only tiger woods has made that shot Jesus, I'm not…

A Burglar Breaks Into A Home With A Parrot A burglar broke into a home. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Thinking it was his imagination, he continued his search. Again, he hears: "Jesus is watching you." He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said, "Yes." So he asked the parrot his name, and the parrot replied, "Moses." The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The …

Moses and Jesus are standing on the bank of the Red Sea in their retirement Jesus turns to Moses and says, "Hey Moses, remember when you parted the Red Sea? That must've been amazing to see! So upset I missed it. Do you think you'd be able to do it again?" Moses blushed, "for you?! Of course!" So he stands up and hobbles over to the water and hit his staff on the ground. And nothing happened. He turns back to Jesus, a little embarassed, "Let me try that one more time.." He moves closer to the …