Moses Jokes

Submit A Joke Now! I want the best jokes in the world. I would prefer one-liners, and puns. But i don't mind short jokes. With that being said, any joke will do! Ex. How did Moses make tea? He-Brewed it! Edit: Also, i want some trick phrases like - Ice bank mice elf/ Alpha kenny body/ Good eye mate Edit: Three men are traveling and have no where to stay the night, when they come across an old farm. They ask the farmer if they may stay the night, and he informs them they have to share a bed. They…

How does Moses make his tea? He brews it.

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, ""Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."" .... About 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, ""Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this ... Read more...

There were only 3 commandments until Moses' wife got involved.

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack a strange voice echoed from the dark, saying: ""JESUS IS WATCHING YOU"" He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the st…

A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. ""You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, ""Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've obse…

Jesus, Moses, and another guy are standing on the tee of a water hazard. Jesus hits the ball and hooks it into the water. Next, Moses tees up and also hooks it into the water. The third guy comes up to the tee and as he hits a big gust of wind comes up and blows his ball into the water as well. All three walk up to the water together, Moses walks up to the water and strikes it with his sand wedge.The water parts and he hits it onto the fairway. Next Jesus walks onto the water, the ball rises to …

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, ""I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."" Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, ""Son, I've been real proud. You've broug…

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, ""Aren't you Moses? "" The man never answered but just kept staring ahead. Again the President said, ""Moses! "" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president. Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, ""Doesn't th…

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, ""Jesus is watching you."" He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he …

There were three men playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old man. They get to the 18th hole and Moses gets to tee-off first; he hits his ball into the water. Next up is Jesus, and he does the same as Moses, hits it right into the water. Next up is the old man and he hits it right into the water with Moses and Jesus. All three approach the edge of the pond. Moses walks up a little closer, throws his arms high nto the air and the water of the pond begins to part down the middle. He walks…

Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years? A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!

Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. ""Well mum our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. ""When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites."" ""Now Johnny is that really what your teacher t…

Moses Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just b…

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses ""I want to do a miracle so we can feel like the good old days."" and Moses says ""Yeah sure."" So Jesus gets up and says ""I think I'll walk on the water that was always a good one."" So Jesus walks over to the edge of the boat steps into the water and sinks like a stone. Moses drags Jesus back into the boat and revives him. Moses then says ""What's the problem?"" and Jesus says ""I think its the holes in my feet!""

When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really bothers him. One day the teacher asks the class ""Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?"" And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said ""whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars"". All of the kids called out their guesses. One said ""George Washington - because he was the father of our countr…

Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy are playing golf... Moses steps up first and lands his ball in a water hazard. He then proceeds to part the water where the ball is and lands it in the hole. Jesus hits his ball and also lands it in the water hazard. So he walk on the water, picks it up, places it on a nearby lily pad and also lands it in the hole. Now the old bearded guy steps up and just hits the ball with all his strength. The ball goes flying! It then proceeds to hit a nearby rooftop,…

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing a friendly game of golf... Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing a friendly game of golf. First Moses goes. He licks his finger to check the wind. He does some simple trigonometry and then hits the golf ball. The golf ball lands in the middle of the lake. He grumbles and growls and sticks his club into the ground to part the seas. He walks into the middle of the now waterless lake and hits it onto the green. He sinks the ball with a birdie. Next g…

A burglar breaks into a house... He starts searching the house for valuables and comes across some jewelery, which he begins to stuff into his bag. Just then a menacing voice echoes through the house moaning "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks around, sees no one and decides his imagination is just playing tricks on him. As the burglar continues his search he finds some electronics, but before he can stuff them in his bag he hears the voice again moaning "Jesus is watching you". This tim…

Jesus is watching you. A burglar had been planning to rob a couple for awhile. He was sitting outside their house, knowing they would be leaving soon for vacation. They leave, and he enters the house. On the first floor, he's looking around and he hears a voice. "Jesus is watching you. He shines his flashlight around, doesn't see anything, and continues to the next floor. On the next floor, he's looking around and hears the voice again. "Jesus is watching you." He shines his flashlight around, …

The Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived." An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!" The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!" The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either." Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said…

The most famous person of all times Who is the most famous person of all times. That was a subject of a contest among Catholic School's 5th graders with $100 prize. The teacher asked Jon first. He said it was Bill Clinton. The next one was Kevin who said it was Gorge Washington. After collecting responses from almost all participants the teacher with not much hope asked the last girl, Sarah, who happen to be Jewish. Sara raised and said. I think it was Jesus. The teacher was jubilant and pronou…