Moses Jokes

Jesus and Moses are playing golf. After teeing off, Jesus asks Moses which club he should use to clear the water hazard and Moses says, ""Use your 4 iron"". Jesus says, ""No, Tiger Woods would use a 6 iron"". His shots goes into the water. Jesus walks out onto the water to find his ball and is seen by another golfer who says to Moses, ""Look at that guy. Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"" Moses says, ""He is Jesus Christ, he THINKS he's Tiger Woods.""

A burglar While robbing a home a burglar hears someone say ""Jesus is watching you."" To his relief he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something he heard. The burglar asks the parrot ""What is your name?"" The parrot says ""Moses"" The burglar goes on to ask ""What kind of person names their parrot Moses?"" The parrot replies ""The same kind of man that names his rottweiler Jesus.""

Moses is walking down the mountain with the ten commandments... ... as he looks over them he thinks this is just too much to ask a society to do all at once. He has a plan! Just go around the world and give out one commandment at a time. So he travels to France. ""Hello people of France, I want to give you a commandment from God."" The French say ""Okay we're listening."" Moses replies ""Thou shall not commit adultery!"" The French look at him and say ""It's okay we don't need a commandment righ…

I want to tell a Moses joke... but I haven't chosen one.

Moses joke Moses was the first person to use Control+C as a shortcut.

Jesus and Moses... ...are walking down the beach and Moses looks out towards the water, "" I wonder if i still have it?"" and so Moses spreads his arms and the water parts before him. Jesus sees this and says, ""Huh, i wonder if i still have it?"" and so Jesus walks onto the water and falls in. He stands up and steadies himself, and he falls in again. Finally Jesus tries a third time, and he again fails to walk on the water. Jesus walks back on shore and Moses says, ""Don't worry about it man, t…

A preacher's teenage son gets his driving permit... ... and asks his father to borrow the car. His father says, ""You can if you first bring up your grades, study your Bible and finally get your hair cut. A couple months goes by and the son again asks his father if he can borrow the car. His father says, ""Well, son, you brought your grades up, you've been studying your Bible, but you haven't cut your hair yet."" His son says, ""Yeah, I've been thinking about that and you know Moses had long hai…

The burglar and the parrot A guy breaks into a big, expensive house and while he's looking around trying to decide what he wants to take he was very startled to hear a voice telling him, ""Jesus is watching you!"" He glanced around and saw the voice was coming from a caged parrot in a corner. He giggled a little and the parrot said again, ""Jesus is watching you!"" The burglar said to the parrot, ""What? Jesus is watching me?! Really?"" The parrot said, ""Yes. Jesus is watching you!"" The burgla…

Moses is out playing golf with two of his buddies in heaven. He takes a few swings and gets par on the current hole. The next guy swings and gets a hole in one. Moses says to the guy ""Hey, Jesus you're pretty good!"" The third guy takes a swing and misses completely hitting a tree and bouncing into the pond. Then a fish jumps out of the water with the golf ball and the fish is snatched by an eagle. The eagle flies over and the fish drops the golf straight into the hole. Moses looks at Jesus and…

How does Moses prepare his coffee? Hebrews it.

The burglar A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ""Jesus knows you're here."" He nearly jumped out of his skin, turned the flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out to disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard, ""Jesus is watching you."" Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Fi…

How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it. I'll show myself out.

Moses and Joshua found a class of water in the fridge... They decided to split it.

""I already know Russian"" A KGB officer is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book. The KGB says ""What are you reading old man?"" The old man says ""I am trying to teach myself Hebrew."" KGB says ""Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa for Israel. You would die before the paperwork got done."" ""I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will be able to speak to Abraham and Moses. Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven."…

In His Image A son approaches his father and asks, ""Dad, would you buy me a car?"" The father considers the question and replies, ""I will, but only if you do well in school, become devoted in church, and cut your hair."" The son agrees and spends the next six months applying himself in school and church. He returns to his father and says, ""You see that I am doing well in school and how devoted I've become to God and the church. Will you buy me a car now?"" The father shakes his head and says,…

A burglar breaks into a house one night and turn on his flashlight to find an expensive stereo. As he approaches it, a voice behind him whispers, ""Jesus is watching you."" The startled burglar turns and shines his light on a caged parrot in the corner of the room. ""Was that you?"" asks the burglar. ""Yes,"" answers the parrot. ""My name is Moses. How do you do? Squawk!"" Amused at the talking bird, the burglar laughingly asks, ""What kind of people name a parrot Moses?"" ""Squawk! The same kin…

A thief climbs in through a ground floor window one night and starts looking for valuables in the sitting room when suddenly he heard a voice say ""Jesus is watching you. "" he shows hi flashlight around the room but upon seeing nothing continues his search. A few minutes later he heard the same voice say ""Jesus is watching you. "" he flicks on the light switch and discovers a parrot in the corner. The parrot says ""Jesus is watching you."" The robber replies ""are you Jesus?"" The parrot says …

How did Moses make his tea. Hebrew it. This is not a joke Israel.

Here's one I heard from my religious mother A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, ""Jesus is watching you."" He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and beg…

A burglar sneaks into a house one night... As he was looking for valuables he heard someone say ""Jesus is watching you"". Shocked, he turns on his flashlight and sees a parrot. He asks the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot says ""Yes"". Amused, the burglar asks the parrot its name, to which the parrot replies ""Moses"". The burglar is surprised, and asks ""What kind of people names their parrot Moses?"" The parrot looks at the pair of glowing eyes behind the robber and says, ""The sa…

A Rabbi on Yom Kippur Rabbi Ben Simmons was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf. Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course. He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely. As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi Ben Simmons playing the best game he had ever played. The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course and …

Moses and Jesus reminisce about the their days on Earth. Moses and Jesus are reminiscing about their time in Earth. Jesus says to Moses ""let's go back for a bit! Where would you like to go?"" Moses told Jesus ""I've always like the Red Sea."" So they go to the Red Sea and wander around a bit. Suddenly Moses find a long stick and looks at Jesus and says ""remember this Jesus?"" and then he splits the Red Sea. ""I loved when you did that!"" Jesus said. ""Do you remember this?"" and Jesus starts w…

Moses and Jesus decide to play golf. First hole is a par 4, fairly straight but there's a pond that stretches from the front of the tee to a spot about 200 yards down the fairway. Jesus pulls a 4-iron out of his bag and steps up to the tee. Moses can't believe it. ""A 4-iron? Are you nuts? You can't clear the water with that!"" Jesus waves him off ""Chill. Arnold Palmer has done it a hundred times."" He tees off and the ball goes 175 yards; right into the pond. Moses sighs, parts the water, and …

Moses Meets Dubya George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, ""I am George W. Bush, the President of the USA, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"" Moses replied, ""The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!""

Jesus and Moses walking along the beach... esus and Moses are walking along the beach when Moses says, ""You know what? I'm going to try and part the ocean again."" He throws his hands in the air and, magically, the ocean parts. Jesus sees this and says, ""I'm going to try to walk on water again."" He walks up to the water, takes a step on top and sinks. Moses says, ""Try it again, Jesus. It's been a while."" Jesus tries again, and once more, he sinks. Jesus comes out of the water and says, ""I …