Moses Jokes

Jesus and Moses are fishing up in Heaven... Jesus and Moses are fishing up in Heaven reminiscing about their days on Earth. Moses says, "Man we really did some cool things back in the day." Jesus, "Hey, how about we try to do some of our old tricks?" Moses says, "Alright, I'll go first." Moses stands up, staff in one hand raises his arms together and stretches them out to either side. The water in the lake parts and the boat gently comes to rest on the lakes floor. Moses closes his arms and the…

A teenager got his driver's license... ...and asked his father, who was a minister, if he could use his car. The father said, "If you bring your grades up, study the Bible, and get a haircut, then you can use the car." One month later, the teenager asked his father about using the car again. The father said, "Son, I'm proud of you. You have brought your grades up and studied the Bible every day. But you still haven't gotten a haircut!" His son said, "Dad, in my studying of the Bible, I fou…

5 Jokes about Boiling Water 1. Perhaps I shouldn't joke on here about boiling water, it might be too steamy. 2. RIP Boiling Water. You will be mist. 3. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. 4. What do you get when your pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies 5. One cannibal says to the other cannibal "hey I ate a missionary the other day and he gave me an upset stomach." The second cannibal says "That's too bad. How'd you cook him?" The first cannibal says "O…

Jesus knows you are here. Jesus Knows you are here A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, Looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight Off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, He shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Frea…

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of th…

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf Moses steps up, takes a swing, and hits the golf ball into a pond. He pauses for a moment, goes down to the pond, raises his golf club, and splits the pond so that the ball falls onto ground. Moses then descend into the pond, hits the golf ball again, and manages to hit the ball into the hole. Next is Jesus. He also hits the ball into the lake, but Jesus just walks onto the pond, takes another shot, and gets the golf ball in the hole. The old man …

Once upon a time Jesus and Moses were playing golf... Once upon a time Jesus and Moses were playing golf. This course had a particularly difficult hole, and Moses expressed his doubts that Jesus could make the shot over the water. "Watch this, Moses, I think I can do it," exclaimed Jesus. "I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot, Golf Swing and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I." Moses rolled his eyes and let Jesus try. Sure enough, the ball splashed into the water. Moses parted the wa…

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit... ... and he asked his father, who was a minister, if they could start driving dad's car. His father replied, "We'll make a deal. You bring your grades up, study the Bible and get your hair cut.  Then we'll talk about it." After a month the boy came back and again asked his dad if he could use the car. The father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible very well. But you didn't get yo…

Jesus, Moses, an an old man are playing golf... And the first hole is on the other side of a pond. Moses is the first to go. He sets his ball on the tee, then gives hit a hard whack. It soars right into the pond before the hole. So, he walks up, parts the waters, and hits the ball right into the hole. Next up is Jesus. He sets his ball, swings, and it plops right onto a lily pad. So, he walks on the water over to it, and hits it in the hole on his next swing. Now it's the old man's turn. He…

Jesus is watching you A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more v…

Jesus is always watching. A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the …

Jesus and Moses were hanging out in Heaven Jesus and Moses were hanging out in Heaven when they got to discussing their mutual boredom. Moses said, "Hey Jesus, you know what we haven't done in a while? Go down to Earth and perform some miracles." Jesus thought that was a swell idea, so the two hopped on a cloud and floated down to a metropolitan area. "What miracle would you like to perform first?" asked Moses. "I think I'll walk on water," replied Jesus. "Last time I did that the people real…

Car or Haircut A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud…

A Burglar... A burglar breaks into a house when he hears "Jesus knows you are here." He shuts his flashlight off and looks around. When he finds nothing he proceeds to unhook the TV when he hears "Jesus can see you" He looks around the room with his flashlight to find a parrot in its cage. Burglar: So that was all you? Parrot: Yep Burglar: So whats your name? Parrot: Moses Burglar: Who in the hell names their parrot Moses? Moses: The same kind of people who name their Rottweiler Je…

A burglar breaks into a house in the dead of night while the family is on vacation He is fumbling around trying to find valuables with a small, weak flashlight so as not to alert any neighbors. He hears someone say "Jesus is watching you." He turns around quickly. "Who's there?" There's no answer. He continues on, thinking maybe his mind is playing tricks on him. He hears it again. "Jesus is watching you." The guy looks around again, and spots a small parrot in a cage. He approaches the cage, …

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible dilig…

A woman is caught in the very act of adultery... and Jesus is asked "The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?” And he sits down on the ground, and starts writing the names of sins in the dust before them. The tension fizzles slowly out of the crowd. The Pharisees continue to demand an answer from him, though, Jesus ignores them. Finally Jesus looks up at them and says "Go ahead, but let the one who has never committed a sin cast the first stone." And he fixes his gaze on the Phar…

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it’s heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it’s headed for the same water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks lik…

Golf Three men are out on the golf course. The first tees off and slices the ball straight into the water hazard. The second man is like, “Oof, tough luck, Moses!” Moses replies, “No worries.” He walks over, waves his driver at the water, and it parts. He finds his ball and plays on. The second guy tees off and also hits it right in the water. Moses laughs and says, “Haha, didn’t learn anything, did you, Jesus?” Jesus laughs, walks out over the water, finds his ball, and plays through. The…

A burglar broke into a home… He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again, "Jesus is watching you." He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said, "Yes." He asked the parrot his name. The parrot said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?" The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who w…

Jesus and Moses in Heaven One beautiful day in Heaven, Jesus and Moses were fishing in a lake. After a while of silence, Jesus asked Moses, "Hey Moses, can you still do it? You know... 'Your thing'?" Moses then answered, "I don't know, let me see if I still got it!" He then stood up and drew his arms forwards, and then separates them. As soon as he did it, the lake's water divided into two and the boat fell to the dry bottom of the lake. Moses happily then said, "Ah ha! I can still do it!!" Th…

Moses snd Jesus are playing golf They come to a 210 yard par three that only a lake between tee and green. Jesus turns to Moses and asks what club would tiger woods use on this hole? Moses says Lord tiger would use a 4 iron but you should use a 3 wood. Jesus pulls a 4 iron and sure enough he ball lands in the water. Moses says I’ll take care of this. He walks to the edge of the lake parts the waters snd retrieves the ball. Once again Jesus ask what club would Tiger Woods use on this hole. Moses…

Jesus is watching A burglar sneaks into someone's home, and while stealing he suddenly hears a voice in the dark. "Jesus is watching." Not knowing where it's from, he continues stealing until once again he hears "Jesus is watching". He then notices a bird cage with a parrot inside, with a name plate that says "Moses". "Moses?" he asks. "What kind of moron would name their parrot Moses?" Moses then says "Same guy that names his doberman Jesus".

A teacher asked her kindergartens... Who the most important person in history is and whoever gets it right gets 5 dollars, one of the kids yells, "Abe Lincoln." The teacher smiles and shakes her head no, another kid yells, "George Washington." Again, the teacher shakes her head. The class becomes quiet as they all begin to think before one of the children goes, "jesus!" The teacher responds."That's right! But wait, aren't you jewish?" To which the child goes, "well, the correct answer is Moses,…

Jesus, Mohammed, and Moses are all playing golf. Mohammed tees up first, hits it nice and straight onto the green. Moses tees up with a nice clean shot, and his ball also lands a few yards from the hole. Jesus tees up, and completely whiffs it. The ball rolls a few inches off the tee. Suddenly, a gopher pops up out of the ground, grabs the ball in its mouth, and takes off towards the hole. When it's about halfway there, a hawk swoops down out of the sky, grabs the gopher in its talons, and …