Tiger Woods Jokes

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

I just borrowed $10,000 from my mom to place a bet at a casino here in Vegas. Tiger Woods better win the Super Bowl this year.

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is "swinging a mean stick", so look out, ladies. He's back.

Tiger Woods says he's been "blown away" by the reception from fans. Sometimes the setup doesn't need a punchline.

Trying to figure out a Tiger Woods joke. All I know is the punchline: "A hole in one." Probably something to do with a vag.

I'm not sure why AT&T; dropped Tiger Woods. He just took advantage of his "Nights and Weekends" and proved "roaming" can be expensive.

I'm not normally a name-dropper but Tiger Woods asked me to start his car in the dream I just had.

We're equally riveted by stories like the Chilean miners (33 men, 1 hole) & Tiger Woods (1 man, 33 holes).

So I heard Tiger Woods changed his name.. To Cheetah

Jesus and Moses are playing golf. After teeing off, Jesus asks Moses which club he should use to clear the water hazard and Moses says, ""Use your 4 iron"". Jesus says, ""No, Tiger Woods would use a 6 iron"". His shots goes into the water. Jesus walks out onto the water to find his ball and is seen by another golfer who says to Moses, ""Look at that guy. Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"" Moses says, ""He is Jesus Christ, he THINKS he's Tiger Woods.""

My Dad turns 50 this weekend and I'm speaking, need some 50th birthday jokes/one liners/roast (xpost from /askreddit) Some bullet points about my Dad: * Has a BMW trophy car * Loves golf * Loves Steak * Is a Republican (I'm very progressive/liberal) * Balding (but so am I...) * His shoulder and knee have needed surgery * Worked everyday of his life since he was 15 * Raised 3 kids * Has 5 grandkids * Just got into wine and thinks he is a connoisseur * Makes homemade ice-cream that he always pawns…

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana? Tiger Woods knows how to pick a good driver.

How did Tiger Woods get the name Tiger? His mom is Thai and his dad is.......

What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at three ho's

Why did Tiger Woods cheat on his wife? He's used to playing 18 holes.

Why did Tiger Woods parents name him Tiger? Because he's half Thai, half African American. (Get it? It's funny cuz racisim.)

A Couple On Their Honeymoon A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed and just about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband: ""I have a confession to make - I'm not a virgin."" The husband replies, ""That's no big thing in this day and age."" The wife continues, ""Yea... I've been with one guy."" ""Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"" ""Tiger Woods."" ""Tiger Woods the golfer?"" ""Yeah."" ""Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with h…

[LONG] The telephone rang at dawn. 'Hello, Senor George? This is Roberto, the caretaker at your country house.' 'Hi Roberto. How are you? Is there a problem?' 'Uh, I am just calling to tell you, Senor George, that your parrot died.' 'My parrot? Dead? The one that collected three prizes at the New York bird show?' 'Yes, Senor, that's the one.' 'Damn! That's a real shame. I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?' 'From eating rotten meat, Senor George.' 'Rotten meat? Who the hel…

Sent on a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. ""How's ya gettin' on today, sir"" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick ""hello"" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. ""What are dose?"" Ask…

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops after three HOs.

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Ted Cruz? Heidi cannot swing a golf club.

Why did Tiger Woods stop designing golf courses? He couldn't keep it down to 18 holes.

Tiger Woods goes to Ireland for an Golf Open. After winning the tournament, he decides he's going to rent a Mercedes and see the countryside. After driving for a while, he stops at a small one pump gas station. Getting out of his car, a couple of golf tees fall out of his pocket and on to the ground. While filling up his car, he notices an old Irish man sitting in a chair on the patio of the gas station. ""Good day, sir."" ""Aye, good to ye... May I ask you a question then?"" Tiger, ""Yes sir, o…

Tiger Woods Goes Golfing With a Black Bear One morning, Tiger Woods goes to his usual golf course to play a morning round of 18 and notices a black bear approaching him from the woods off the first tee. Alarmed, Tiger starts to retreat when the bear casually asks Tiger what he's doing. Having never spoken to a black bear before, Tiger was a little hesitant at first but upon realizing that the bear was not a threat he tries his best to explain the game of golf to this black bear. After learning t…

Tiger Woods goes through 18 holes in one day... And he STILL has time for golf.