Tiger Woods Jokes

Nike has to stop it with this ""Just do it"". First it was Tiger Woods. Then Lance Armstrong. And now Oscar Pistorius.

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stopped at 3 ho's.

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President George W. Bush announced yesterday that with the holiday season at an end he will mobilize selected units of the Salvation Army in order to boost troop levels in Iraq. The designated units-the 15th Strip Mall Patrol and the 17th Kmart Brigade-will receive eight weeks of intensive training prior to being deployed. ""The Salvation Army has a proud history of serving pastries and hot coffee to battlefield…

Golf Meditations If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again. Any change works for a maximum of three holes . . . or at a mini…

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stops at three ho's.

Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now." Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?" Stevie says, "Yes…

President Obama walked into the bank to cash a check... As he approached the cashier he said, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?" Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Would you please show me your ID?" Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA!!!!" Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because o…

The Comical Conservative President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?" Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?" Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!" Cashier: "Yes…

Famous quotes.... At school one day Little Johnny's teacher announced that she was going to say a famous quote and that whoever could correctly guess the person who said that quote would be able to leave school early. Little Johnny gets all excited because he knows his history. So the teacher asks first: "Who said 'Four score and seven years ago..'" Little Johnny immediately raises his hand. "Yes Sarah who said that?" the teacher asks. "Well President Abraham Lincoln said that." "Very …

Tiger's balls On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?", asks the att…

Jesus and Moses decide to go golfing... They are both having great rounds until they reach the 7th hole. They hit their drives reasonably close to each other in front of a water hazard. Moses then says to Jesus, "You know, you should really use the six iron." Jesus then looks to Moses and says, "No, if Tiger Woods can use the seven iron, then I can use the seven iron." Jesus approaches his ball, and hits it less than 5 yards right into the water hazard. Moses walks over to the hazard, splits th…

If Tiger Wood and Princess Diana played a round of golf who would win? Tiger Woods! because he has a better driver! I'll be in hell if you need me.

So Jesus and Moses go to play golf... ...and its the very first tee off. Jesus says to Moses, "Hey, I think I can make this first shot in one, right over the lake." "Only Tiger Woods could make that shot." says Moses. So Jesus tries anyway, and his golf ball lands him right in the lake. So Moses parts the water, gives Jesus back his ball, and Jesus tries again. "I can really do it this time" says Jesus, at which point Moses rolls his eyes..."only tiger woods has made that shot Jesus, I'm not…

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.…

"I used to date Tiger Woods..." This guy meets 'the perfect girl' but when he asks her to marry him, she reveals that she used to date Tiger Woods and it's in the past and shouldn't ever be a problem in the future. He's level headed, can see that Woods is handsome, famous etc. so he's okay with it and moves forward. Some months later, they get hitched and on the wedding night, he 'seals the deal' in the honeymoon suite, then promptly rolls over to make a phone call. The bride says: "What are…

After watching the debate I’m actually changing my decision. I’m voting for Tiger Woods

Moses snd Jesus are playing golf They come to a 210 yard par three that only a lake between tee and green. Jesus turns to Moses and asks what club would tiger woods use on this hole? Moses says Lord tiger would use a 4 iron but you should use a 3 wood. Jesus pulls a 4 iron and sure enough he ball lands in the water. Moses says I’ll take care of this. He walks to the edge of the lake parts the waters snd retrieves the ball. Once again Jesus ask what club would Tiger Woods use on this hole. Moses…

elon musk, tiger woods, the pope and a college student are on an airplane … the plane is going down, the pilots bailed, it’s going to crash. there’s 4 of them and only 3 parachutes … tiger woods says “i’m the best golfer in the world, i think i should get a parachute.” everyone agrees, tiger woods takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane. elon musk says “i’m the smartest man in the world, i think i should get a parachute.” everyone agrees, elon musk jumps out of the plane. the pope tells…

tiger wouldn't do that A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed and just about ready to consummate their marriage when the new bride says to the husband: "I have a confession to make - I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yea... I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The hus…

Just got scammed out of $15. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled ""My Favorite 18 Holes."" Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

What is the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at 3 ho’s.

What is the best thing about Tiger Woods' arrest? A black man in America finally survived a traffic stop. Progress!

Tiger Woods took the advice that his grandfather gave him as a child to heart. He told him

What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 100 yards without hitting a tree.

I'm not a professional caddy or anything.... but I think Tiger Woods probably should've used a driver.