Cadillac Jokes

I bet Billy Joel only needs to type in "Cad" before his phone's dictionary chimes in and recommends "Cadillac-ac-ac-ac-ac-ac."

Hell of a driver A young man approaches a bus stop to find an older gentleman man sitting down and just facing forward. ""Hell..of...a... driver..."" says the older gent. The young man doesn't think much of it. A few minutes pass and again the man blurts out ""Hell of a driver!"" Perplexed, the young man turns the older man and asks ""Is everything ok?"" The man turns and proceeds to tell him ""It was no more than an hour ago. I'm sitting here and I see this massive mass of a woman in a rusty pi…

Anti-jokes Does anyone have any good anti-jokes? I'll go first! Q:What's sad about four black men in a Cadillac driving off of a cliff? A:*They were my friends.*

An old man died... When he was in the line at the pearly gates, God asked him ""Have you ever cheated on your wife?"". The man said ""Of course not! Never ever in my life"". So he entered and they gave him a Cadillac to drive around in. The next man in line walked up to the pearly gates and God asked, ""Have you ever cheated on your wife?"". The man says ""Just once or twice."" He was granted access and they have him an old Chevrolet to drive around in. They were driving around and in an interse…

What's wrong with 5 Clinton supporters driving a Cadillac off of a cliff? The car holds 6. (It also works for Trump supporters- try it!)

What do you call a Cadillac with a staircase on the back? An escalador.

Scooter Three men die in a car accident. They all go to heaven, and God asks the first one... ""how faithful were you to your wife?"" He says "" I cheated only 4 times."" God says aight. Not bad. You can have a Toyota corolla. Second guy same question, just once on a business trip. God is like ok that's great. Cadillac. Third dude...never...God says rolls royce. Two days later rolls Royce guy sitting on curb in tears. other dudes all like oh shit it's dat Boi wud up? Why u cry? He's replies. I s…

Women drivers amirite? This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds ... to continue shaving and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt and I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donu…

A Cadillac carrying five Mexicans drives off of a cliff and everybody dies. Why is it a tragedy? Because a Cadillac sits six.

A woman married to a cheapskate... A woman is on one of those cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to rich man, but a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes into her hands and started talking to him. ""Henry,"" she said, ""you know that mink cape I wanted all…

Pink Cottonballs Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Johnny. At first he was a happy, normal boy, but then one day, before his 3rd birthday, his parents asked him what he wanted for his present. ""I want pink cottonballs,"" said Little Johnny. ""No way,"" said his parents, a little concerned by the odd request, ""you're much too young for something like that!"" And so they got him a Big Wheel tricycle. Little Johnny was furious, and so he took the tricycle up to the top of the big hil…

A Snail goes to a car dealership and..... A snail goes to a Cadillac dealership and buys a new car. But when he buys it he has specific instructions for the dealer. ""I want you to give it a paint job"" says the snail. ""Sure, what color?"" says the dealer. ""I want you to paint a big red S on the hood, the doors, the roof and the trunk."" instructs the snail. ""Sure thing,"" says the dealer, ""but can I ask why?"" The snail looks at him and explains: "" So when I go driving up and down the stri…

obituary The phone rang in the obituary department of the local newspaper. ""How much does it cost to have an obituary printed""? asked a woman. ""It's five dollars a word, ma'am,"" the clerk replied politely. ""Fine,"" said the woman after a moment. ""Got a pencil?"" ""Yes ma'am."" ""Got some paper?"" ""Yes ma'am."" ""Okay, write this down: 'Cohen dead'."" ""That's all?"" asked the clerk disbelievingly. ""That's it."" ""I'm sorry ma'am, I should have told you - there's a five word minimum."" ""…

What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

A Jewish man dies, his wife calls the newspaper to publish a death notice. The person taking the call asks her what it should say and politely informs her that they charge by the word. She tells him to put: ""Saul died."" The newspaper person tells her that the paper has a strict five word minimum on death notices. She thinks for a moment and tells him to put, ""Saul died. Cadillac for sale.""

Werner Heisenberg is driving a Cadillac at 130 miles per hour across the Nevada desert. Erwin Schrodinger is riding shotgun. Georg Ohm is in the back seat. A state trooper pulls them over, walks to the driver's side window and says: ""Do you know how fast you were going?"" To which Heisenberg replies: ""No, but I can tell you our location at the time."" The trooper decides to inspect the vehicle. After a moment he comes back to the passenger side, gun drawn, and yells: ""Did you know there is a …

Hair Two 10-year-old boys are walking down the road and they see a Cadillac driving past. One of the boys says, ""Wow. I wish I had that Cadillac."" The other says, ""Nah, I wish I had hair all over my body!"" First boy asks him why he would want that. And the second boy says, ""Well, my sister's friend has this little patch of hair here (*he points to his crotch*) and she gets all the Cadillacs she wants!""

Three guys are out jogging... ...and they turn a corner and are hit by a truck, killing all three. They are then standing in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first one, ""How many times did you cheat on your wife?"" The first answers, ""Honestly, at least twice a week, every week that I was married. I just couldn't help myself!"" St. Peter says, ""We know, that's why you get a moped to ride around Heaven with."" The guy jumps on the moped and rides off. To the next, St.…

""Mitt Romney looks like a guy modeling briefs on a package of underwear ... He looks like a guy who goes to the restroom when the check comes ... He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping ... He looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership.... He looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial."" - David Letterman

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump. ""What can I do for ya'll?"" asks the attendant. ""Fill 'er up with high test,"" replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. ""What kinda car is this?"" he asks. ""I never seen one …

After years of scrimping and saving a husband told his wife the good news: ""Honey we've finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979."" ""You mean a brand-new Cadillac?"" she asked eagerly. ""No"" said the husband ""a 1979 Cadillac.""

Why do you make more money? A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?" The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is…

A very rich snail slimed into a Cadillac dealership... ...and said,"I want your most expensive car." The salesman said,"Very well sir. Is that all?" The snail said,"No. I'd like it to have a custom paint job." The salesman said,"Yes sir. What do you want the car to look like?" The snail said,"I'd like every door painted with a large letter S." The salesman said,"May I ask why,for reasons of curiosity?" The snail said,"Because when I drive down the street,I want every single head to turn,and f…

Woman mistakes Lee Trevino for a migrant worker Lee Trevino is a Mexican-American who was one of the best golfers (and greatest characters) in the world. But when he was a young man, he would still mow his own lawn, and this is why. He was a young golfer on the PGA Tour, and a married man, when one day he was out mowing the lawn in front of his house in Dallas, as he always did. A woman drove up in a big, shiny Cadillac, rolled down her window and said, "Excuse me, do you speak English?" …

A professor asked one of his automotive students if he knew what the definition of ""mixed emotions"" was... The student said ""watching your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your new Cadillac.""