David Letterman Jokes

I made up this joke while I was dreaming. I dreamed I was on the David Letterman show as the guest comic (this was years ago) and this was my first joke. (I heard crickets in the audience after I landed the punch line, Dave said ""goodnight everybody!"" and the credits ran) ""You know when people say dreams are real? Like outside stimulation effects your dreams? You know, if you dream you're being eaten by a sabertooth tiger, it's most likely your cat licking your foot? Stimulation like that. We…

Obama Jokes The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate. --Jay Leno America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. --Jay Leno Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. --Conan O'Brien Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser. --Jay Leno Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penite…

""Mitt Romney looks like a guy modeling briefs on a package of underwear ... He looks like a guy who goes to the restroom when the check comes ... He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping ... He looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership.... He looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial."" - David Letterman

You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start. The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate. --Jay Leno America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. --Jay Leno Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. --Conan O'Brien Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser. --Jay Leno Q: What's the differ…

""Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern."" - Craig Kilborn ""In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts."" - Jay Leno ""In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair,…

What did Jeffrey Dahlmer say to Lorena Bobbit? Excuse me are you going to eat that? *Ellen Barken on David Letterman show.

A man walked into a barber shop, handed him a picture of Donald Trump and said: "I'd like to look like that." "I'm sorry, sir," came the reply. "I'm a hairdresser, not a taxidermist." Here's a sure sign that spring is around the corner: Donald Trump has just evicted a family of robins out of his hair. David Letterman

The 2008 US presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican nor the Democrat candidate had enough votes to win. There was talk about ballot recounts and court challenges, but finally both parties decided on a week-long ice-fishing competition, at the end of which whoever caught the most fish would be declared President. The contest was to take place on a frozen lake in North Minnesota. There were to be no observers present and both John McCain and Barack Obama were to go out …

On the campaign trail, Hillary Clinton learned that a sandwich shop in a town she was visiting had named a sandwich after her. Touched by this display of public affection, she asked the proprietor: "Tell me, what's in the special Hillary Clinton sandwich?" He replied: "Mostly baloney." All five living American Presidents had lunch together at the White House. The lunch went well – only three shoes were thrown. George Bush picked up the cheque, Bill Clinton picked up the waitress. David Letterman

On a visit to Algeria, Bush was invited to address the nation. He began: "First of all I must apologize for speaking to you in English. I would love to address you in your native language but I'm afraid I was never very good at algebra." Bush admitted – and it takes a big man to do this – that a couple of things didn't go according to plan. A couple of things went haywire: his first term and his second term. Those two things. David Letterman CANNIBALS

TEN COMMANDMENTS - The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman. 2880. USHERS - The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.