Moses Jokes

Arnold Palmer (RIP) joke Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf. They come to a tee where the hole is on an island. Moses says, ""You gonna use a wood?"" Jesus says,"" No, Arnold Palmer would use a 9 iron."" Jesus does so, and his ball goes in the water. So he starts walking across the water to get his ball. Another group comes up and asks Moses, ""Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"" ""No, says Moses, ""He thinks he's Arnold Palmer""

A burglar broke into a house one night.. ..He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for t…

A man breaks into a home, all the lights are off. He gets through the window and turns on his flashlight. Out of the dark, a voice says ""jesus is watching you"" The thief stops in his tracks, freaks out and turns off the flashlight. After a few minutes he regains his nerve and starts looking around. When he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange voice echoed from the dark saying again ""jesus is watching you."" When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised h…

Where does Moses get his coffee? Hebrews it.

BUSINESS IS BUSINESS A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, ""Who was the greatest man that ever lived?""A girl raises her hand and says, ""I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country."" The teacher replies, ""Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for.""Another y…

We find Jesus... We find Jesus playing golf one beautiful cloud free day (as heaven is floating on clouds) He is joined by Moses and an elderly man wearing tacky old golf clothing. Moses plays first, he swings his golf stick with precision befitting a man who has used a staff since dawn of humanity, the ball flies perfectly, almost, when it suddenly falls straight into the lake just shy of the green surrounding the hole. Unfazed, Moses walks over, spreads his arms, and parting the waters to reve…

Jesus is watching you! A burglar breaks into a house in the middle of the night, turns on his flashlight and starts looking for money and valuables. Suddenly he hears a voice: ""Jesus knows what you're doing!"" The burglar almost has a heart attack, turns off the flashlight and freezes, waiting, but nothing happens. He calms down, turns the flashlight back on and goes back to his job. Suddenly, he hears the voice again: ""Jesus is watching you!"" He looks around frightened and the light falls on…

Jesus and Moses were hanging out in Heaven when they got to discussing their mutual boredom. Moses said, ""Hey Jesus, you know what we haven't done in a while? Go down to Earth and perform some miracles."" Jesus thought that was a swell idea, so the two hopped on a cloud and floated down to a metropolitan area. ""What miracle would you like to perform first?"" asked Moses. ""I think I'll walk on water,"" replied Jesus. ""Last time I did that the people really went wild!"" Jesus walked to the edg…

Burglar breaks into a house He starts grabbing all the expensive electronics and sending them out the window. As he's carrying away the stereo system he hears a soft voice call out, ""Jesus is watching you..."" Looking around he can't see anyone, so he decides to ignore it. Later, while carrying the tv, he hears the voice again, ""Jesus is watching you..."" Looking around he sees a parrot was the source of the voice. ""Hello,"" said the parrot. ""I'm Moses."" The burglar looked confused for a mo…

Moses opens his tablet. The notification says, ""You have 10 unread commandments'.

What method does the Australian god use to part the Red Sea? Oz Moses.

How Moses makes his tea? Hebrews it.

During the Exodus, before the Israelites left Egypt, Moses talked to the Burning Bush. The Bush told Moses that in preparation for the departure from Egypt, the Israelites could not leaven their bread, so that when the day of the Exodus finally came, they would be ready to leave at a moment's notice. Every Israelite lived in a family hut, all except for old lady Nina, whose husband had passed on with no children. Everyone complied to this rule for the quite some time, but one day when Moses cons…

Moses was computer savvy.. ..He had two tablets!

Moses walks into a bar And says ""I'll just halve water""

What did Moses say when Isaiah told him the levy had burst? God Dam It!

Why did the Jews roam the desert for 40+ years? Because Moses lost a quarter.

Because Christmas is coming, here's an Easter joke: Jesus, Moses and St. Peter decided to go on a picnic. After some discussion, they agreed to have their picnic on a secluded island so no one could bother them. As the three of them were eating their picnic lunch, St. Peter notices that the boat they had arrived in had drifted out to sea. Moses offered to part the water, but St. Peter pointed out that Moses would just push the boat farther away. Jesus offered to walk out to the boat. He made it …

Why was Moses' wife angry? He gave her the burning bush.

Your Mama is so fat... that while on her period she sat in the nile and Pharaoh called her ""Moses!""

What did Moses say to the guy who wanted a boat I Noah guy

Maybe we got it wrong and God just wanted to play doctor for a day: 'Here Moses, take these two tablets and call me in the morning'

Why did Muhammad hire Moses to help with his start-up? He wanted to double his prophets.

Three men are golfing.... There are three men golfing. Jesus, Moses, and a quite old man. They all come across a lake, with the hole on the other side. Jesus swings his club, and launches his ball halfway across the lake. He takes a step onto the water, goes to his ball, and swings it out back onto the green. After he finished, Moses took his ball and swung his club. It landed again, halfway across the lake. Moses then spreads his arms and splits the lake in half, then proceeds to hit it out ont…

They call me Moses. Cause I parted that Red Sea last night.