Moses Jokes

Moses parts the Hi-C... ...To save the juice

How did Moses make his tea?

Moses talking to a burning bush was child's play ...compared to the miracle of getting a hundred thousand Jews to voluntarily go in to the Red ~~sea~~.

Which stretches further, skin or rubber? Skin. It says in the bible, Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked 10 miles.

Moses, Jesus and an old man are playing golf... Moses tees up at a par 3 with a large lake in front of the green. He gives it a solid thwack. Plooop, a little short into the water. He walks up to the water's edge and dramatically shoves the end of the club into the water. The waters part, and he walks through the lake and chips his ball in for a birdie. Jesus tees up. Plooop. Into the water it goes. Jesus walks to the ball, and chips it in for a birdie. The old man steps up. His ball falls short…

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrewed it

God, Jesus, and Moses are playing golf.. So Moses takes his first stroke and the ball goes soaring. An eagle then picks the ball out of mid air and flies off the course. Then the wind picks up and steers the eagle back. Then lightning strikes the eagle dropping the ball back down and God says, ""Are we here to play golf or are we gonna screw around.""

Why did Moses spend 40 years romeing in the desert he dropped a quarter

Three guys named Jesus, Muhammad, and Moses go out upon the sea, upon a boat... The boat rocks gently side-to-side. They each think for a moment how best to catch fish. Jesus decides to reveal his divinity, and so he climbs out of the boat and runs around catching the fish in a big sphere. Moses recognizes Jesus's divinity and decides to show his own heavenly credentials. Moses stretches his arms upward and the waters pull apart in a big column, setting the boat softly down, and the fish fall ou…

A burglar breaks into a house...... He switches on his flashlight to help see what he's doing & as he shines it above the fireplace he sees three items on the wall, very nicely arranged, they are.........a Crucifix, a painting of the Pope, and a photograph of the Vatican. He stifles a yawn & thinks ""Ok, Catholics...I get it & I don't really care as long as I can get some nice stuff here"". He returns to filling his bag, a PS4, some jewelry coffee maker......when, all of a sudden, he…

Moses returns from Mt. Sinai... Moses trudges from Mt. Sinai, tablets in hand, and announces to the assembled multitudes: ""I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is that I got Him down to 10. The bad news is that 'adultery' is still in.""

A Burglar Breaks into a house... He breaks into the house and initially he hears ""Jesus is watching you."" He shrugs it off and continues to his burglary. Again he hears, ""Jesus is watching you."" He looks around and sees a parrot, and the bird repeats, ""Jesus is watching you."" The burglar asks the bird what its name is, and it says that its name is Moses. The burglar then asks the bird ""Who the hell names their bird Moses?"" The bird replies, ""The same guy who names the Doberman Pinscher …

So Moses decides to become a superhero... ...he creates a costume and calls himself The Crimson Crusader, with a crimson coloured 'C' on his belt. In line with his new superhero duties, he goes out to look for trouble and sure enough, he sees a man getting beat up by a gang of thugs. Moses approaches the thugs and attempts to engage in contact, however he is too weak and the thugs overpower him as well. Moses manages to escape the brawl and throws his belt with the Crimson 'C' on the floor. Sudd…

Moses comes down from the mountaint Okay, guys, I have the commandments. I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first? The good news. I've managed to bring it down to ten. What's the bad news? I've had to leave adultery in.

Moses, Jesus and Muhammad are walking into a bar. Cries the barkeeper: ""If this is gonna be a joke that guy has to stay out!""

Jesus said to Moses: ""Come forth and I will grant you eternal life!"" Moses came fifth and he won a toaster.

It was at the height of world war II... ... and Hitler decided to invade Britain. So he asked the head of the Kriegsmarine to study plans for a water assault on Britain and carrying ground troops. After a brief study, the admirals conveyed with the Fuhrer, and told him that it was absolutely impossible, there was no way the Reich could muster enough ships to carry all the troops and the logistics necessary. The only way would be to do like Moses, and part the water of the English channels like …

[Meta] Reposts Ok, good jokes deserve to be told again and again. But what the hell is up with people posting the same jokes every 13 hours? Case in point: the two jokes of how Moses makes his coffee. Mods should do something about that to keep them in check a little bit!

TIL the Hebrews were betrayed and captured by the Egyptians after walking through the Red Sea The event was named ""Moses' double cross"".

Moses How does Moses make his coffee? He brews it.

Why doesn't Moses buy beer? He brews it.

Mohammed cooks fish with Jesus and Moses I was there, I remember it like this: The three friends were boating for fish... Jesus walked out onto the water and said ""I'll scare the fish your way!"" Moses said, ""Ok! I'll part the sea so all the fish land on the land!"" Sure enough it parted and the fish plopped out just as He had said. Mohammed said ""Lalallalalalalla!"" and blew Himself up in a big fireball which ignited all the fish and cooked them perfectly in all the ways. Then they feasted o…

As a child Moses auditioned for his school play but he didn't get the part. Ironic.

Moses was the first hippie. He was a guy who came from the hills with long hair and sandals, and he brought with him tablets that made everybody feel good.

Jesus is Watching you A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ""Jesus is watching you"" He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking f…