Moses Jokes

God and Moses were up in heaven when out of the blue Moses said God I really love heaven and find it really cool, but it is starting to get a bit boring up here. Why don't we go down to Earth and have some fun with the local girls down there? God looked at him sternly and said No way Moses, I did that 2000 years ago and they are still talking about it!

Four braggarts in a bar Julius Caesar, Hannibal, Moses, and Bob are sitting in a bar bragging. Caesar starts, ""I and my army forded the Rubicon to face destiny."" The bartender replies, ""That sounds like a portentous crossing."" Hannibal says, ""I and my army traversed the Alps with elephants to gain a strategic advantage against Rome."" The bartender replies, ""That sounds like a prodigious crossing."" Moses says, ""I and my people parted the Red Sea to walk to freedom."" The bartender replie…

Why was drug addicted Moses upset when he was floating down a river? because he was in Da-Nile

So Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf... They walk up to par three with water in front, and Jesus looks to Moses and asks, ""What club do you think we should use?"" Moses thinks a moment and replies, ""Well Arnold Palmer used a 7 iron last time he was there, guess that puts us at about a 5 iron."" Jesus scoffs. ""If Arnold can reach with a 7, I can reach with a 7."" He lines up his shot and proceeds to launch the ball directly into the lake. ""Told you,"" said Moses. He then lined up a …

Moses, Jesus and a third man are playing golf one day. Moses is up first. He hits a nice shot, but it dips and lands in a water trap. Moses quickly raises his club, the water parts, and the ball rolls out of the trap. Jesus is up next. He hits an almost identical shot, again landing in the water trap. The ball hovers a few inches over the surface of the water, and Jesus casually strolls out and chips the ball up onto the green. The third man is up last. He hits a long shot, but it's going in a w…

Your mama's hair is so nappy... Moses couldn't part it.

Since it is ethnic joke day and all here's a Greek one. Little Jim comes home from Sunday school. Mom: What did they teach you today, honey? Jim: Today they taught us about Moses. God sent him on a secret mission to free the Hebrews from Egypt. When they got to the Red Sea Moses had his mechanics build a bridge so everyone could pass but when the Egyptians arrived and started crossing the bridge he called for backup from his radio and his mine squad blew the bridge up, drowning the Egyptians and…

Jesus, Moses, and this guy are out golfing... and the hole is a notorious Par 3 with a huge lake before the green. Moses takes a shot and hits it right into the lake. With his second shot he parts the lake, knocks it on the green, and right after he putts it in for par. Jesus goes next and he too can't clear the water hazard and the ball just sticks on the surface without sinking. He walked right across the surface of the water where he chipped it in for a birdie. The two looked back at the man …

Which stretches further, human skin or rubber? Human skin! The Bible tells us Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked forty miles.

So Moses and Jesus is walking along the beach Moses asks Jesus, hey man can you still walk on water? Jesus is like ya sure? I am the son of God and whatever. So Jesus walks out onto the water a bit and sinks about 2 inches. What the heck man? Says Moses. Ahh dammit! It's these holes in my feet!

So, A Man Breaks Into a House... He begins looking for valuables and such when he hears a voice. ""Jesus is watching you."" The man looks around for the source of the voice. It speaks again. ""Jesus is watching you."" After a few moments, the man finds a parrot in a cage. ""Jesus is watching you."" It says. The man smirked. ""Hey there, little guy. What's your name?"" ""Moses."" ""What kind of people name their parrot Moses?"" ""The same kind of people who name their rottweiler Jesus.""

I was talking to a religous friend when I remembered that Moses drank lots of tea ""Oh really, how does he make it?"" ""Hebrews it.""

Shovels, Asses and Camels Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, ""Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."" Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, ""Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."" Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised land! I was so depressed last night…

The teacher was quizzing the bible students... and she asked ""Who parted the Red Sea?"" Just then, rotten little Johnny poked Suzy with a pin, causing her to exclaim ""Holy Moses!"" The teacher said ""Very good, Suzy!"" Then the teacher asked ""Who turned water into wine?"" Johnny pokes Suzy with the pin again, who hollers ""Jesus Christ!"" The teacher can't contain herself, and asks Suzy ""What did King Davids wife say to him as they retired for the night?"" Johnny pokes Suzy yet again, bringi…

Burglar Meets Moses and Jesus There was once a burglar that had been staking out a house for weeks. He finally decided to break in when we saw the tenants leaving for dinner date. He then snuck in through a back door that he knew where the extra key was hidden. As he snuck through the house spotting his flashlight on what he should take, a voice called out to him and said ""Jesus is watching you"". Whipping around and pointing his flashlight around the room to see who it was that called out, he …

I'm not saying you're old, but.... Ok guys I need some ammo for my ongoing age war with my business partner. So, I need your help. Here's a few I've used to get you started. I'm not saying you're old, but I did hear that Moses owes u $20. You know it's bad when dirt sees you and says, ""now that's old!!"" What was it like to meet Lincoln? (I thought about changing that to ""shoot Lincoln,"" but I don't wanna start any new conspiracy theories)

Jesus is watching A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of th…

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it :D

Topical Jokes (5/27) Hello again, /r/jokes! Lend me your eyes! It's time to recap the day's jokes so we can all enjoy some idiocy. Starting off with some entertainment news. ""Fast and Furious 6"" opened up the box office gross with over $99 million. Most of the revenue was generated through Vin Diesel having to watch the movie 60 million times before comprehending the plot beyond his prior understanding of just ""Car go fast vroom"". This is always interesting. A fragment of the Dead Sea Scroll…

Jesus and Moses are hanging out by the Red Sea (this takes place present day...). So Jesus asks moses, ""hey Moses...you still got da funk?"" Moses says ""yeah buddy!"", and walks out to the sea, holds up his staff, and majestically makes the Red Sea part in the middle. He puts his staff down, walks back, and asks, ""so how bout you JC? do you still got da funk?"" Jesus replies, ""I don't know man, its been a long time, but let me try"". Jesus walks to the sea and begins to walk on water. He tak…

I demand to see Mohamed!! Yousuf died and was sent on up to heaven. As he approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter approached him to welcome him in. Yousuf politely told him ""Thank you very much, Saint Peter. As you may be aware, I am a Muslim, and would really appreciate being greeted by Mohamed."" Saint Peter replied, ""Certainly, if that's your wish. Take the staircase on your left and go up"". Approaching the top of the staircase, Yousuf was met by Abraham, waiting to welcome him into Heave…

Three men playing golf There were three men playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old man. They get to the 18th hole and Moses gets to tee-off first; he hits his ball into the water. Next up is Jesus, and he does the same as Moses, hits it right into the water. Next up is the old man and he hits it right into the water with Moses and Jesus. All three approach the edge of the pond. Moses walks up a little closer, throws his arms high into the air and the water of the pond begins to part d…

Jesus knows you're here A burglar broke into a house one night. He shines his flashlight around the house looking for valuables when a voice in the dark says ""Jesus knows you're here."" Freaked out, he turns his flashlight off and freezes, but hears nothing more so shakes his head and continues. As he is disconnecting cables from the TV, he hears very clearly ""Jesus is watching you."" Startled, he shines his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. In the corner of the roo…

What did Moses say when he wanted to see through his door? Let my peephole grow!

There has been some controversy regarding priests delivering sermons using an iPad instead of the traditional bible. I think its perfectly fine. After all, Moses delivered the ten commandments using two tablets.