Germany Jokes

A 13-pound baby was born in GERMANY?? C'mon Mississippi, this is why we keep you around

If I had a time machine I'd go back to Germany in 1933 and change my Facebook avatar to an anti-Nazi logo.

I'm in Germany. Time to drink precisely one bier (beer) and call every man "Hans"

*invents time machine* *goes to 1930 germany* *points guns at young hitler* What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

Danke for calling Germany. To order beer, press 1. To order weapons, press 2. To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

I love when commercials are like "because four million people can't be wrong," because then I'm like, "Really? even Nazi Germany?"

Europe. Made in Germany.

*Tweets funniest tweet ever *Dies laughing *Over 6 billion die laughing *Germany and Russia survive *Coz nobody left to explain the joke

DAD: I invented a diaper that's also a time machine! MOM: Where do the poops go DAD: dunno! [CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942] HITLER: omfg

How disturbingly inappropriate would it be if "Thomas the Tank Engine" was set in early-1940s Germany? #ThomasDieKleineLokomotive

We have a saying in Germany. It is better to have loved and lost than to engage in a land war with Russia in the winter.

A young musician left his priceless Stradivarius violin on a train in Germany. But it was returned... no strings attached. Wait...what ?

Breaking News: Germany defeats Argentina... France surrenders.

My friends in Germany were complaining that they couldn't find a good bagel anywhere... well whose fault is that?

In germany there are lots of jokes about the polish, so... What did Piotr get for christmas? ... Your iPod!

Men from Poland, Russia and Germany are competing in a competition (lol) in nailing 3 planks together using one nail and their heads. First one is the German. Bonk, bonk, bonk. The nail is through the planks. Next one is the Russian. Ding, ding. The nail is through the planks. Finally it's time for the Polishman. Plop. The nail is through the planks. After a while it's time to give the medals. Russian -Gold, German - Silver, Polishman disqualified for hitting the nail in the wrong side.(I think …

A fighter pilot is shot down over Germany in World War II... He wakes up in a German POW hospital. A German officer is standing over his bed as he comes-to. ""I'm verry sorry to inform you, but vee haff had to amputate your left leg,"" says the officer. ""Oh no,"" cries the pilot, ""lost a limb? This is terrible news. Crutches for the rest of my life and all that. Listen, could you boys do me a favor? Could you drop my leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"" The German confers …

A generic slightly racist one! (use it with any minority). A guy goes to a club in Germany with a t-shirt that says: Turks have three problems Immediately a Turk comes up and says: -- What's that supposed to mean, on your t-shirt? You looking for trouble? -- See, this is your first problem. You are too aggressive. You start quarrels for nothing. -- Oh yeah? Let's go outside. They go outside, and the guy brings a bunch of his compatriots for support: -- There's five of us. What are you gonna do n…

Snowboarders will Understand Four snowboarders - a German, a Swiss, an Australian, and a Canadian - are taking a chairlift up a mountain. The German boarder pulls out a bottle of beer from his jacket, drinks it, and tosses the empty over the side. ""Ah,"" he sighs. ""We have so much beer in Germany!"" Next the Swiss boarder pulls out a bar of chocolate from his jacket, eats it, and drops the wrapper over the side. ""Mmm,"" he sighs, ""we have so much chocolate in Switzerland!"" So the Australian…

Ovens You hear? Germany is now coming out with a new line of ovens...4 seaters and 6 seaters

A German taxi driver was on his shift... He is driving one of these Mercedes models that have the Mercedes emblem as a hood ornament. A guy waves him down, so he stops and let him enter. It was a tourist, in town on his first trip to Germany. The driver asks: ""So, how do you like our country?"" The guy answers: ""Oh, it's great. But it is so different from home in many aspects. Some things, I cannot make sense of."" The taxi driver asks: ""Really? Like what?"" The guy says: ""Well, for instance…

Moses is walking down the mountain with the ten commandments... ... as he looks over them he thinks this is just too much to ask a society to do all at once. He has a plan! Just go around the world and give out one commandment at a time. So he travels to France. ""Hello people of France, I want to give you a commandment from God."" The French say ""Okay we're listening."" Moses replies ""Thou shall not commit adultery!"" The French look at him and say ""It's okay we don't need a commandment righ…

Germany loses at home, and Japan beats America in overtime... M. Night Shyamalan's pitch for a World War II movie.

If WW1 was a bar fight...... If World War One was a bar Fight... Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria'…

The weather forecast is looking pretty bad over in Germany. There's a high chance of heil.