Germany Jokes

X-Post from /r/Standup: If I ever got on stage I'd give my version of the Teletubbies... Here's my skit on the Teletubbies. So I hate the Teletubbies. It's one of the most mindless children's shows I've ever seen. I sometimes had to watch it because my ex's nephew loved the show and when we baby sat him that's all he wanted to watch. To me all it is, is a bunch of weird looking giant different colored babies dancing around on an acid trip, with dumb shapes on their heads. How is this informative…

Need jokes about Germany/German people Friend of mine going to Germany. Want to wallpost lame jokes on his wall. The cringeworthier the better.

How was Germany able to Take over Poland so easily. They marched backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

An old lady gets into a taxi (they're usually mostly Mercs here in Germany) and asks, what that star is for. The taxi driver jokingly replies ""That's a crosshair. I need it to aim for pedestrians."" A few minutes into the drive, a pedestrian ran onto the street and the taxi driver barely managed to evade him when he suddenly hears a clunk from the back. When he turns his head he sees the old lady grinning ""If I hadn't opened my door, we wouldn't have got him!""

Did you hear Poland bought 5,000 septic tanks? As soon as they figure out how to drive them, they'll invade Germany.

An American woman is hiking through Germany... She's enjoying taking in the sights and immersing herself in the culture. But one day, while hiking through a wooded area, she comes across an elderly German man taking a leak on the side of the path. He's hardly subtle about it; letting his sausage hang out for the world to see. Immediately the woman averts her eyes! ""Oh, gross!"" she exclaims. The Old German man, just finishing up, winks suggestively at the woman before zipping up his fly and wal…

Earthquake Nigeria suffered from a severe earthquake last week, resulting in the dead of 12000 inhabitants. The EU is sending first aid and some countries add their own contributions. France is sending military troops to rebuild the country, Germany is sending food packets and Holland is sending 12000 niggers.

My Grandpa owned a hot dog chain in Germany... You might have heard of it...""Anne's Franks""

The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff.

Tomorrow France plays Germany... Their defense will try to last 90 minutes and beat their World War 2 record...

After a tie with Portugal in the World Cup, the U.S. soccer team now faces Germany on Thursday. And if the U.S. team beats Germany, they advance. If they lose, Americans go back to hating soccer again.

I was sitting watching Germany V Brazil in the World Cup Semi final when the Germans went 7-0 up...I said, ""F*cking hell! You'd think the Germans would take their foot off the gas..."" My Grandad just laughed.

How many goals did Germany score? gerMANY

German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net. Israel…

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference. Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: ""In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."" Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: ""In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all gimme a Bud."" Hans steps up next: ""In Germany ve invented das beer, verdamt. Give me ei…

Q: What country is ill? A: Germany.

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. ""Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?"" he asked. I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son. He looked at me very carefully and asked: ""Does she like you?""

Bubba Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, ""You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. ""Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ""OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"" ""Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."" So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, ""Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"" Although impress…

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. 1. What do you put in…

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: ""They don't serve BEER here you MORON!"" The German fellow felt pretty stupid but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look and begins to chuckle. ""And what's so funny?!?"" the New Yorker demands. ""Oh nothing really I just realized that you came here for the food…

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds.

A Maintenance Battalion in Germany had just received a brand new Executive Officer an Armor Major. The Major proceeded to issue new SOP directives (Standard Operating Procedures) that WOULD be followed under all circumstances. One of these directives was that NO ONE over the rank of Staff Sergeant would drive their own vehicle that was what the lower enlisted were for. One morning the Master Sergeant in charge of the S-2 shop of the battalion had an intel report that was due at Division Headqu…

Why did both Germany and the U.S want to hire Apes during World War Two? Because they are excellent at waging Gorilla warfare!

Recently Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core…

Seriously when the crooked hamburger took it on the 1am where did it go? Heidelburg-er Germany!