Intel Jokes

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I'm not the kinda guy who'll kiss intel

A Brit, an American and an Italian are taken PoW In the last year of the Second World War, the Nazis take a Brit, an American and an Italian as prisoner. They torture them for information about allied plans. The Brit holds out for a few weeks, but eventually his stiff upper lip is beaten off of him, and he breaks; telling the Nazis everything they want to know. The American, also, can only take the torture for a few weeks before he spills his guts and provides them with every last bit of intel t…

Eevee A de-evolving Eevee came across a war between the two factions of Eevees: the Flareons, Vaporeons, Jolteons, and Sylveons, and the Umbreons, Espeons, Glaceons, and Leafeons. Deciding to play both sides, the Eevee snuck into one camp as a Fire type, and managed to gather some information about their tactics. He then crossed over, disguised as a Psychic type, and sold them the intel while gathering more of his own. However, upon return as a Flareon, he was summarily executed on charges of Es…

Why didn't the Nvidiot arrive at work today? - X-Post from /r/AyyMD Because the driver kept crashing! Ayy! (/r/AyyMD is a satirical circlejerk subreddit for followers or fans of AMD's Graphics Cards, Processors, and other technologies. Everything said there is tongue in cheek and/or a literal burn on the major competition of Intel or Nvidia)

Why did the spy steal the laptop? It had a sticker that said 'intel inside'.

Three engineers were trying to make smarthome devices (from a friend) Three engineers and a manager are sitting around some appliances to help make them smarthome compatible. The first engineer turns his attention to the refrigerator, ""We should connect this fridge to the internet and make it tell you when food is going bad, I will need an Intel i7 if we want this to constantly notify you."" the manager thought for a while and finally grumbled, ""ok, we could fit that into the budget"" The seco…

Why do teenagers want to work for Intel? Core i3, i5, i7... ican't even! Edited from: >They can't even

Since the Intel processors are named i3, i5 and i7... does that mean Intel can't even?

In Computer Heaven: The management is from Intel, The design and hardware is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing. In Computer Hell: The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and hardware, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price.

A Maintenance Battalion in Germany had just received a brand new Executive Officer an Armor Major. The Major proceeded to issue new SOP directives (Standard Operating Procedures) that WOULD be followed under all circumstances. One of these directives was that NO ONE over the rank of Staff Sergeant would drive their own vehicle that was what the lower enlisted were for. One morning the Master Sergeant in charge of the S-2 shop of the battalion had an intel report that was due at Division Headqu…

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider? A: ""Life is like a box of chocolates..."" (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586? A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Q: What's another name for the ""Intel Inside"" sticker they put on Pentiums? A: The warning label.

I'm surprised more people didn't know about the NSA spying programs I mean most of our computers are labelled "Intel"

German spies During the war, two German spies were sent to London to gather valuable intel. To immerse themselves in the local culture they walk into a local pub and walk up to the bar. The first German says to the barman in an impeccable English accent "May I have two Martinis please?" "Dry?" asked the barman. The German replied, holding up two fingers. "Nein! Zwei!"

Has anyone heard of the disastrous news about the CPU chip flaws? seems like bad intel..

What did Jesus say when he switched from Intel to AMD? Do not mourn me for I have Ryzen.

I tried to get my mom to switch from AMD to Intel... ...but I couldn't Celeron it.

Why can't Intel-based phones enjoy Pokémon Go? Because Intel Inside.

What's the biggest difference between Intel and AMD? How they process things.

Question: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums? Answer: The warning label!

Do you know what the computer thinks when you sit in front of it? INTEL Inside. Mental Outside!