Germany Jokes

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief ''Ma'am'' he said ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?'' ''Yes sir'' my mother said with a sigh ''they're all mine.'' The customs agent began his interr…

I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at it cause it was prettier than most. The clerk said ""It's made in Germany"". I said ""That's too bad I can't use it then"". The clerk said ""What's the matter? You don't like German pens?"" I said ""No. I just never learned to write German.""

A rich middle eastern oil tycoon sends his son to study in Germany... His son is feeling nervous about being alone abroad. So, his father allows him to take one of the golden plated Ferraris to Germany in order to boost his confidence. It is shipped over and the father hears nothing for the first few weeks from his son. Then, he recieves an email: "Father, I love the way the Ferrari drives but it's so embarrassing, all the other students take trains to school! What should I do? Your loving s…

A man goes into a confession booth in Germany... He says "Please forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest responded, "What is your sin my child?" The man replies "During WWII I took in a Jewish man and hid him in my attic." The priest then exclaims, "Good sir, that is not a sin at all. That was a righteous burden you took upon yourself. You should be proud of your actions." The man hesitated for a moment and said "Well... I had him pay rent." The priest simply stated "That isn't the …

An American woman is hiking through Germany... She's enjoying taking in the sights and immersing herself in the culture. But one day, while hiking through a wooded area, she comes across an elderly German man taking a leak on the side of the path. He's hardly subtle about it; letting his sausage hang out for the world to see. Immediately the woman averts her eyes! "Oh, gross!" she exclaims. The Old German man, just finishing up, winks suggestively at the woman before zipping up his fly and walk…

The Polish farmer During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country. One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer. - Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him. After some thinking, the farmer answered - I'd like to belong to Germany. - Why is that? - Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold

Typical vaguely racist bar joke [xpost r/forwardsfromgrandma] At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference. Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate." Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all gimme a Bud." Hans steps up…

An old lady gets into a taxi An old lady gets into a taxi (they're usually mostly Mercs here in Germany) and asks, what that star is for. The taxi driver jokingly replies "That's a crosshair. I need it to aim for pedestrians." A few minutes into the drive, a pedestrian ran onto the street and the taxi driver barely managed to evade him when he suddenly hears a clunk from the back. When he turns his head he sees the old lady grinning "If I hadn't opened my door, we wouldn't have got him!"

This is the story of an Egyptian named... Benny. One day, Benny was strolling along the banks of the Nile, minding his own business. However, he came across an urn, buried in the sand. The urn was all dusty and dented and cracked and bent and generally broken. However, Benny decided to rub the urn with his sleeve, thinking he might be able to get a few coins out of it. But suddenly, out of the urn came a Genie! The genie stretched and yawned and said: "Oh! Thank you! Thank you so much! I can't…

Three allied pilots are shot down over Nazi Germany... They're captured and forced to stand facing a wall, swaying back and forth saying "tick ... tock ... tick .... tock ..." until they can't take it any more. After the first hour, one pilot can't take it any more and tells them everything he knows. After another hour, the second pilot cracks and tells them everything he knows. At the end of the third hour the remaining pilot decides to do something rebellious and starts saying "tick ... tick.…

If World War One were a bar fight. Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia…

Just got back from Germany... and let me tell ya, their meat is the Würst.

This Brazil v. Germany World Cup Game.

Third time's a charm... Is a much darker phrase in Germany

The German Baby Joke So there is this couple and they adopt a baby from Germany. The baby never starts speaking, even after 3 years. After four years of the boy not speaking the couple take the boy to the doctor, but the doctor says that everything is developing fine, and that there is nothing wrong with him. Then one day, when the boy is eating some apple strudel, and he says, "This apple strudel is a bit tepid". "Wolfgang," the couple say, "you have never spoken before, why do you speak …

Some historic anti-Nazi jokes from Germany Hey there. I thought, I'll take the time and translate you some of the so-called "Flüsterwitze"(whisper jokes) from nazi Germany. * The old code of law seems to complicated, so it has to be changed. From now on, there are only three laws: 1. If you do something, or fail to do something, you are punished. 2. The penalty is determined by the peoples emotion*. 3.What the peoples emotions is dictated by the Gauleiter(governor). (1934/35) (original: "gesu…

In 1941, a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio. Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States. "Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America. "And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued. "Where is Russia?" His father pointed to where Soviet Russia lay in all its time zone-hogging glory. "And we're also at war with the British Empire…

Hitler is speaking to his advisers... He was surrounded by all of the lead managers and advisers of his entire Reich. His main adviser told him how amazing and efficient Germany was. "All of ze industries are over performing and creating enough resources for ze new world. Except perhaps ze mining industry, sir. Zey are performing so vell, ve have TOO much ore! Should ve cut ze number of ores ve mine?" Hitler thinks for a bit and agrees with "Yes, then ve shall mine less ore," Just then, an…

f Germany is the “Fatherland” and Russia is the “Motherland”, was the Second World War a divorce case?

How do you get to Nazi Germany It's on the third right EDIT: Woah this is like my third day here front page? I feel special now.

A Chinese shop owner Tourist: What's your name? Shop Owner: Moshe Dayan Tourist: But you don't look Jewish. You look Chinese. Shop Owner: Yes, you're right. Tourist: Then how did you ever get a name like Moshe Dayan? Shop Owner: It's like this. Years ago, when i came to America, I was standing in line at the immigration documentation centre. The man in front of me was a Jewish man from Germany. The lady at the counter looked at him and said, "What is your name?" He said, "Moshe Dayan." The…

Just an old Bible Jimmy had decided to take a year off before starting college and to hitchhike around Europe with his friend Billy. After several weeks he called his dad to get him to send them more money . "It's been more expensive than I thought over here Dad", Jimmy told his dad. "We got to Germany and we were dead broke." "Well, do you have any money to eat until I can get more money to you?" Dad asks. "Yeah", jimmy replies. "We made a little money cleaning all the junk out of an old h…

A german a swedish and an israeli are kidnapped by ISIS "Now infidels, you have one last wish before you are beheaded" The german pleads for mercy "Germany has always embraced your people, what have i done to deserve this ?" no answer "i.. i will have a sausage, and a good beer" The swedish screams at the top of his lungs "Have you no humanity !? sweden has fully welcomed your traditions and faith, why would you do this !" no answer ".. *gasp* i guess ill have the fish" The israeli yawn…

Yesterday I moved to Germany and my new German flatmate told me that he only knows one joke... How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One. Because they are very efficient... And they don't understand jokes.

A German taxi driver was on his shift... He is driving one of these Mercedes models that have the Mercedes emblem as a hood ornament. A guy waves him down, so he stops and let him enter. It was a tourist, in town on his first trip to Germany. The driver asks: "So, how do you like our country?" The guy answers: "Oh, it's great. But it is so different from home in many aspects. Some things, I cannot make sense of." The taxi driver asks: "Really? Like what?" The guy says: "Well, for instance, …