Pat Jokes

"What's your greatest strength?" Shadow puppetry "Seriously?" [interviewer presses intercom button] "Pat, please bring a flashlight in here"

If you text "Haiti" to Pat Robertson's phone number, $10 will be deducted from his account and sent to Haiti.

HO_SE BOAT I'd like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head... with a hammer.

Archdeacon Claude Frollo is in Need of a New Bellringer... because Quasimodo died, starving himself to death by Esmeralda's grave. If you know anything about the book, it's slightly darker than the film. But, the problem for the Archdeacon is the same; the bells need to get rung, and he very well isn't going to ring them himself, so he puts out a notice that he's looking for a replacement for the dead hunchback. Frollo was nothing if not a bastard at heart, and decided to himself that it should …

""When out of ammunition, just hold your hand as if you were holding a gun, and say 'bang bang'"" It was just before a critical offensive, and the troops were being issued their weapons. Lenski was last in line, and they handed out the last rifle to the man in front of him. Furious, Lenski shouted, ""Hey, what about my gun?"" ""Listen, bud,"" advised the munitions officer, ""just keep your hands out in front of you as though you were holding one, and yell, Bang! Bang!'"" ""You gotta be joking,""…

Two Irishmen are looking for a job. They come across a sign, that reads, ""Tree Fellers"". Pat and Murphy look at each other and exclaim, ""If only Seamus was here, we would've had the job!""

TIL Pat Mccrory doesn't have a gender specified on his birth certificate It's Pat! edit: changed joke entirely

An Irish Woman visits a friend.... An Irish Woman visits a friend, Tim, who opens the door, visibly upset. ""Oh Mary, i'm afraid something terrible has happened, your husband, he's dead."" He says. ""Oh god, what happened?"" She inquired. ""Pat and I were working at the Brewery, and he went straight into the vat."" Mary began to well up ""Oh heavens."" she exclaimed ""Was it quick? Did he suffer?"" She asked ""No love, he got out three times to take a piss.""

Two Irish schoolboys... 1: Hey, Pat! What's the craic? 2: Not much, Brian. I had a pint yesterday. 1: Oh! Really? I thought you were only 15? 2: I am! 1: So what was it? Guiness? 2: No, it was water.

Donald Trump and a Pig To avoid protests and negative press, Donald Trump decides to go to his next campaign rally in his limo alone with his driver. They take the scenic route through lonely farmlands. Not another soul in sight for miles, Trump enjoys the view and dozes off to sleep. As luck would have it, his limo runs over a pig that suddenly ran across the road. The limo comes to a screeching halt, waking Trump. Both men get out of the limo to see the now flattened pig. Looking around, they …

Johnny and the cow - short and sweet I heard a tale once about a boy called Johnny. He impressed his whole village by his unique ability to sit for hours underneath a cow. He was rewarded with a pat on the head.

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about and then ducking into the house. ""Would ye look at that, Darby!"" said Pat. ""What a shameful disgrace, a Protestant Reverend sinning in a house the likes of that place!"" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work. A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then …

Hear about the new bar in town? Pat and Mike are sitting at the bar when Pat says, ""You hear they got this new bar... and you go inside and for half a buck you get a beer, a free lunch and they take you in the back room and get you laid... Mike says, ""Now wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Do you mean to say there's a new bar and you go inside and for a half a buck they give you a beer, a free lunch and they take you in the back room and they get you laid?"" Pat says, ""That's right.…

An Indian, an Italian and a Jewish man go for an interview to be an undercover detective Three men applied for the job of a undercover detective: Johhny English from India, Marc Grayberg, a Jew; and Tom Silanti, an Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon the answer. When Grayberg arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, 'Who killed Jesus Christ?' He answered without hesitation, 'The Romans killed him.' The chief thanked him and he left…

Is there anything better than a good ol pat on the back.. to help you get out that last stubborn turd lodged up your sphincter?

My boss gave me a nice pat on the back the other day.. It made things a bit awkward on the shitter though.

Pat Robertson meets a Boy with a box full of kittens. Pat Robertson's walking down the sidewalk. This kid is there with a box full of kittens, Pat says, ""Those are just some of the prettiest kittens I've ever seen"". The boy says, ""Yeah, They're Christian kittens"". Pat says, ""adorable"". A few days later he and Anne Coulter were on the same sidewalk, and the kid's still there. Pat says, ""Hey Anne, go over and ask him about those kittens"". Anne walks over and she says, ""those are some cute…

A frog walks into a bank... ...and walks up to the teller, Pat E. Black. ""I'd like to take out a loan"" Pat asks the frog, ""What do you have for collateral?"" The frog reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small insignificant trinket. ""This is all I have"" Pat laughs. ""We can't take that."" The frog, furious, asks to see her supervisor. The supervisor comes out from the break room, and Pat explains the situation. ""It doesn't have any monetary value, so I denied him"" The supervisor rolls …

Costume Party A man and his wife have been invited to a costume party for Halloween, however on the night of the event the wife says to her husband that she can't go because she feels ill and needs to lie down. The husband asks if she wants him to stay at home, but not wanting to ruin her husbands evening says she'll be fine at home. Soon after the man puts on his costume and leaves to go to the party. About an hour or so later the wife wakes up feeling much brighter, she decides to surprise her…

Pat and Mike were walking down the street when they came to the church Pat says 'Mike you wait here I'm going to run in for confession it's been a long time'. Pat enters the confessional and says' Father forgive me I have sinned with a married woman'. The priest asks 'was it Mrs Murphy'? 'no Father' was the reply. 'Was it Mrs O'Boyle'? Again the reply was 'No Father'. 'Was it Mrs. O'Grady'? Pat said Father I'll not be teling you the lady's name! So the priest told him to say two Hail Mary's f…

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked ""Why Irish Mike this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks would it?"" ""That it is ""Irish Mike replied grimly ""ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."" ""You mean you pinched his honor?"" asked Pat. ""How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?"" demanded Mike. "…

""And how's yer wife Pat?"" ""Sure she do be awful sick."" ""Is ut dangerous she is?"" ""No she's too weak t' be dangerous anymore!""

Mike and Pat went hunting. Mike saw a large goose fly by. He raised his rifle to shoot. 'Don't waste your time' Pat hollered. 'The rifle is not loaded.' 'I can't wait' Mike shouted back. 'The bird will be gone if I take the time to load!'

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.' The priest asks 'What did y…