Pat Jokes

Typical vaguely racist bar joke [xpost r/forwardsfromgrandma] At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference. Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate." Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all gimme a Bud." Hans steps up…

Pat the Irish immigrant died in a freak mining accident... ...leaving Kathleen, his young wife, near mad with grief. After the burial, Kathleen's mother drew her aside, and took her in her arms, and rocked her as she wept, and tried to comfort her: "But think on what a grand man he was, Kathleen! Weren't they all saying at the wake as that Pat was a miner without equal, quick with a pick and tireless at the coal face?" "Oh, aye!" wailed Kathleen. "That he was, that he was!" "And a loving pat…

Two friends join the SAS. Two friends, Pat and Mick, are trying to join the SAS. After doing all the training their commanding officer in charge tells them, "Now you two must realise that you have to do anything your commanding officer says no question asked, so Mick go into that room there", so Mick walks in. The officer then says to Pat, "Do you think you could kill a friend Pat?", to which Pat replies, "oh no I love all my friends" "WHAT DID I JUST SAY PAT!" "Yes sir!" Pat exclaims. The offi…

LAWS FOR ENGINEERS Engineering is a science that runs on the laws of physics. We have all studied these laws in our formal education. There are other laws that are equally powerful, however. These are found through experience in the classroom of applied technology. Here is a summary of the laws of physics for your entertainment. The authors are unknown (or perhaps wish to remain unknown). We thank them for their insight into real-world broadcasting. **GRUNDMAN'S LAW** -- Under the most careful…

So when I was an altar boy when I was a kid... ...and its not all that you'd think it would be. Contrary to popular belief, an aletrboy's true purpose is to put up with the priests shit, and to pick up the slack when he drops the ball. Anyway, one day I was sweeping the chapel floor when i heard somebody whisper my name. I looked around and saw the Father beaconing me toward the confessional. He had been listening to this one woman for an hour, and really, really, needed a bathroom break. He a…

Three guys called Mick, Pat and Tat were in a pub. The bartender asks them, "Are you all related?" Mick says "Yeah, we are triplets." Bartender says,"Well how come two of you are 6 ft tall and one is only 4 ft tall?" "Well" says Mick,"Me and Pat were always breast fed so there was no tit for Tat."

Running a special this week..... A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I ha…

A priest decides to take a Sunday off He feels a little guilty, but is sick of church, and tells himself that he deserves it. Just one Sunday off, what could it hurt? He arranges for a guest priest to give the service, and when Sunday comes, he goes golfing. The priest gets to the golf course, and sets the ball on the tee. He lines up, aims his shot and swings. He searches all over for the ball, but in his amazement, he's made a hole in one! He gives himself a pat on the back and moves on t…

Moses and Jesus are standing on the bank of the Red Sea in their retirement Jesus turns to Moses and says, "Hey Moses, remember when you parted the Red Sea? That must've been amazing to see! So upset I missed it. Do you think you'd be able to do it again?" Moses blushed, "for you?! Of course!" So he stands up and hobbles over to the water and hit his staff on the ground. And nothing happened. He turns back to Jesus, a little embarassed, "Let me try that one more time.." He moves closer to the …

Pat worked at a pickle factory. Pat worked at a pickle factory, and Mike would always bet him that he wouldn't put his pecker into the pickle slicer. He would always decline and recuse to do it. One day, after ten years of hearing it every day, he finally took Mike up on his bet. Later that day, Pat arrived home early and greeted his wife. "Why are you home so early? What's wrong?" "I put my pecker in the pickle slicer," Pat said. Panicked, his wife ripped off his p…

Big John A man moves from New York City to the heart of Texas and applies for a job as a bartender. The owner of the bar says to the man, "You know it's pretty rough around here, I'm not sure you could handle it, There's a stabbing about every night." The man says he can handle himself, he's seen a lot, and in the big city he had to be tough. The owner continues to warn the man, "There's also a shooting about once per week..." Again the City slicker assures the bar owner that he can handl…

John Wayne walks into a bar... And asks the bartender if he can use his private restroom. "No!" Says the bartender, "You can use the public one, just like everybody else!" John wayne replies: "Oh come on man, I'm John Wayne!" "No preferential treatment, either use the public one, or get out." John Wayne thinks for a while, hoping from foot to foot, before he gives in, and waddles off the the mens room. A few moments later he returns with his left pat-leg totally soaked. "What the hell happened…

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten... Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "…

A guy had a massive crush on this woman. He was so enchanted by her that every time he saw her he got an instant hard-on. In order to avoid any embarrassment from such an obvious happenstance he decided to call her and ask her out over the phone. To his surprise she agreed and they made plans. As soon as he hung up he thought, “Shit, what am I gonna do? I'll get a hard-on as soon as I see her and she'll never talk to me again." So, man-like, he came up with what he thought w…

What do you get if you sit under a cow? A pat on the head

Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says

Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a big smile on his face. Mike says

Pat worked at a pickle factory. Pat worked at a pickle factory

What did they call Postman Pat after he retired? Pat

What do you get if you walk under a cow? A pat on the head.

A bird was flying south for the winter, but had left it too late to set off and found itself frozen solid in a blizzard. It dropped to earth in a field of cows, landing in a massive cow pat, just as it was being deposited by the fattest cow in the field. At first, the bird was disgusted until it realized that the pile of poop was actually thawing him out. As the ice melted and his feathers returned to normal, he tweeted joyously, but the sounds were heard by a nearby cat who promptly crept over …