Martin Jokes

If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I'd just yell out letters. - Demetri Martin

Helo, my name is Ma-ma-ma-ma-martin. ""You stutter?"" ""No, my father did and the registrar was an idiot.""

Spelling Bee It's cup final day and three boys in the class want to go home early to watch the match. The teacher decides to hold a spelling bee and allow the boys who spell their words correctly to leave school for the day to see their team. Tommy, spell dog for me please. Easy sir, D-O-G. Very good Tommy, off you go. Martin, spell cat for me please. Simple, sir. C-A-T. Very good Martin, off you go, enjoy the game. Thank you sir! Ahmed I would like you to spell racial discrimination.

An old, old joke I heard yesterday Three friends gathered round a campfire were swapping family stories. Rick said,""My granddad once pushed his truck for 3 miles searching for a gas station."" Martin chimed in at that point, ""That's nothing. My grandfather used to be very strong. He once lifted his old Ford while his friends changed two flats, as their jack was broken."" Johnny rolled his eyes at that and said, ""My grandfather once let an 18 wheeler freight-liner run over him. He would have b…

Two boys walk in late to class one day... Two boys walk in late to class and the teacher asks ""Martin, Juan, why are you two so late?"" Martin says ""you see, I was having this fantastic dream where I was traveling the world! I visited so many countries and learned so many new things, I didn't want to wake up! That is why I'm late."" The teacher turns to Juan and asks ""and you Juan, Why are you late?"" Juan says ""I picked Martin up at the airport."" Edit: Wrong name in the last sentence. Went…

Martin Shkreli's life was such a joke he was born on April 1st...

Martin Shkreli's life

High School Jocks Attend W. Virginia Prom Together Two high school jocks made news last weekend by going to the prom as a couple, reports Outsports. Musselman High School student and West Virginia all-state athlete, Michael Martin, knew who he wanted to take to the prom Saturday: his boyfriend, Logan Westrope, a student at neighboring Hedgesville High. ""I asked Logan to the prom after his work,"" Martin said. ""I gave him a bag with a chicken sandwich inside and asked, 'Are you a chicken or wil…

Saying, ""I'm sorry,"" is the same as saying, ""I apologize."" Except at a funeral. - Demetri Martin

[demetri martin] A drunk driver is very dangerous. Everybody knows that. But so is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. ""Go left."" -""Dude those are trees."" ""trust me.""

The joke scene from The Bicentennial Man (1999) with Robin Williams **Andrew Martin:** May one, sir? Is now a good time? **'Ma'am' Martin:** What? A good time for what? **Andrew Martin:** Last night, Sir taught... **Sir:** No, no, no, don't blame me Andrew. Just... go ahead. **Andrew Martin:** Thank you sir **Andrew Martin:** [Very fast] Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says ""Does this taste funny to you?"" How do you make a hanky dance? Put a little boogie in it! W…

knock knock! who's there? not trayvon martin -- that nigga dead!

I saw a sign that said, watch for children. I thought to myself... Thats a fair trade. - Demetri Martin.

This summer I'm going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say, 'Get a life' on them. Demetri Martin

There once was a boy named Jimmy. Jimmy was 8 years old old, almost 9. Jimmy NEVER got in trouble. So one day, he was doing art with his class at school and he broke the purple plate. His teacher said ""Jimmy! You broke the purple plate! Go to the office!"" So Jimmy went to the office, as he was told. When he got there, the principal asked him, ""Hi there little Jimmy! Why are you here??"" Jimmy told him about how he broke the purple plate. The principal said, ""YOU ARE EXPELLED!"" so Jimmy went…

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway and climbs in the car where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat directly behind the newly minted driver. ""I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive"" says the beaming boy to his father. ""Nope"" comes dad's reply ""I'm gonna sit here and kick t…

Martin ended a letter to his dad with this question 'Is Washington's picture still on the dollar bill?' His Father wrote back 'Of course it is. Why do you ask?' Martin answered 'Because it's been so long since I've seen one!'

I'm not rich like Jack don't have a mansion like Russell or have a Porsche like Martin but I do love you and want to marry you. I love you too but what was that you said about Martin !

Martin asked David ""In which state does the Ohio River run?"" David answered with cool ""In the liquid state.""

The Scary Tale of a Hitchhiker There was this traveler who was hitchhiking on a dark night with rain and thunderstorm. He was out of the city limit waiting for a ride. Time passed but there was no car in sight on this ghostly night. The wind was blowing hard and rain was lashing his face. He was tired, hungry and miserable and could hardly see anything in the dark. Then he saw a ghostlike figure of a car moving slowly, inch by inch towards him. He was desperate and so without waiting for usual …

A man named Martin is lost in the desert and came upon an oasis. Upon stumbling into camp and drinking hastily from the well, the sheik of the oasis steps out of the largest tent and orders his guards to arrest him. The sheik explains that Martin has drunk from the precious little water left to the oasis and can either fight to the death with the sheik or dig and dig in the hot desert with no water till he finds another well. Martin, figuring he has no chance of surviving the digging, takes on …

A group of mustelids walk into a bar. The badger says "I'll have a whiskey on the rocks." The wolverine says "I'll have a whiskey neat." The martin says "I'll have a whiskey with a twist." The otter says "I'll have a whiskey sour." The bartender looks at the last one and says "and what will you have?" "Pop," goes the weasel.

Two cowboys walk into a bar and sit down for a drink. A woman sitting next to them drinking her martin starts choking on her olive. One cowboy says to the other cowboy, "I'm going to help that there woman." He looks at her and says, "Are you choking?" And she nods yes. "Do you want me to help you?" Again she nods yes. With that, the cowboy lifts up her dress, pulls down her panties, and licks her bare butt. She gets so flustered she spits out the olive and he saves her life. As the cowboy si…

Martin Shkreli's guilty verdict Must be a tough pill for him to swallow.

A boy comes home from school at 7pm His dad says ""where were you? "" ""I was with Jessica."" He replied. ""What were you doing?"" ""We were revising."" After picking a snack off the table the son says ""These fishcakes are lovely."" Dad replies ""Wash your hands Martin