Martin Jokes

I had a dream that my friend Martin became the ruler of all bath sponges. We called him Martin Loofah King.

Why does George R.R Martin never use Twitter? Because he killed all 140 characters.

A man named Martin is lost in the desert and came upon an oasis. Upon stumbling into camp and drinking hastily from the well

Why doesn't George R.R Martin use Twitter? Because he killed off all 140 characters.

Who is the greatest loser ever? Martin. We all know Martin Luther King.

What's long and hard and makes women groan? – An ironing board. I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars. I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. I went up to her, we started talking, and she told me her dog's name. Then I said: 'Does he bite?' She said: 'No.' And I said: 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar! Demetri Martin

On a trip to a shopping mall, a couple agreed to split up, visit their favourite shops and meet up again in an hour and a half. So while he visited the bike shop and the sports outfitters, she concentrated on the big clothes store. When he met up with her ninety minutes later as arranged outside the clothes store, she was carrying a dozen bags filled with clothes. "I don't believe it!" he exclaimed. "Have you really bought all that?" "Well, yes," she replied. Then gesturing towards the interior …

A young man went into a bar and ordered a stiff drink. The bartender asked: "What's up?" The young man said: "I went to a funeral this afternoon, but I'm never going to one again. It was terrible. When the music started playing, me and my mate were the only ones dancing." How come 'I'm sorry' and 'I apologize' mean the same thing, except if you say them at a funeral? Demetri Martin

Did you hear about the guy who was chopping carrots with the Grim Reaper? He was dicing with death. I got a cactus, and a week later it died. I got really depressed because I thought, 'Damn, I'm less nurturing than a desert!' Demetri Martin

When a professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at home was leaking, he called a plumber. The plumber came out that same day, quickly fixed the leak and presented the professor with the bill. The professor was horrified to see that the bill for an hour's work amounted to one-third of his monthly salary. Grudgingly he paid the bill after expressing his discontent to the plumber. "I do sympathize," said the plumber. "So why don't you apply for a plumber's position with our company? Y…

A father said to his son: "Did you see Father Christmas this year, son?" "No," replied the boy, "it was too dark to see him. But I heard what he said when he stubbed his toe on the edge of my bed." I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. The paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. Demetri Martin

My friend Fred had twins. He named them Tin and Martin. Again had twins and named them Peter and Repeater. Again twins and named them Max and Climax. Again the same. Disgusted Fred named them Tired & Retired.