Andrew Jokes

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield's, I'd probably shit my pants.

Letter from Scout Camp Dear Mom, Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Ada…

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop. He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down, they decided to grow and sell their own flowers. Since they grew all their own produce, the monks were able to undercut Andrew at …

Letter home from summer camp Dear Mum & Dad, Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would…

Two second graders are fishing in the middle of a field Ryan and Andrew see two second graders in a fishing boat in the middle of a field. They cast out their rods, reel in, and just pull up grass. Ryan says to Andrew, ""Man, look at those second graders out there. They're not going to catch anything!"" Andrew replies, ""Yeah, think we should go and tell em'?"" Ryan then says, ""Sure... but we don't have a boat to go out there!""

A knock-knock joke for identical twins Knock Knock Who's there? Who's. Who's who? I'm Andrew and that's Anthony.

An Englishman, a Scottsman, and a Welshman are in the pub. The Englishman says ""My Son was born on St George's day, so we named him George"". The Scottsman says ""My Son was born on St Andrew's day, so we named him Andrew"". The Welshman is silent for a minute, and then says ""Aye, we did the same with our Pancake"".

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. My son was born on St George's Day,"" commented the English man. ""So we obviously decided to call him George"" ""That's a real coincidence,"" remarked the Scot. ""My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."" ""That's incredible, what a coincidence, ""said the Irishman. ""Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.""

Two friends found a dog on the sidewalk... ...they saw a name tag, and it said ""Love"". Billy and Andrew looked around, but an owner was nowhere to be found, so they decided to keep it. ""Come here, Love,"" Billy would say, but the dog wouldn't respond at all. Billy decided to give it a new name, and since it didn't follow directions, he named it ""Idiot"". The next day, they were giving Idiot a walk, and he started to bark at a stranger. ""Hey, Idiot, what are you doing?"" Andrew said. ""What …

Reporters interview people in the country side Sorry for the half bad translation. Some reporters went to a village to make a documentary about how John is spending the day. They asked him to tell everything he does during the day. - Well, i wake up in the morning and i drink a shot of whiskey. - Wait, man. I don't think it's better to tell people you're drinking first thing in the morning. Tell them you read the newspaper. - Well, then. I wake up in the morning and i read the newspaper. Then i'…

Gospel of Andrew: Jesus Chooses the 12 Disciples Jesus summoned His twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every kind of disease and every kind of sickness. Now the names of the twelve apostles are these: The first, Simon, who is called Peter, and Andrew his brother; and James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother; Philip and Bartholomew; Matthew the tax collector; James the son of Alphaeus, and Judas Thaddaeus, Simon the Zealot, and Judas…

What's your favorite Andrew ""Dice"" Clay Joke? Including dirty nursery rhymes.

Gospel of Andrew: Jesus Appoints the 12 Disciples Jesus summoned His twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every kind of disease and every kind of sickness. Now the names of the twelve apostles are these: The first, Simon, who is called Peter, and Andrew his brother; and James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother; Philip and Bartholomew; Thomas and Matthew the tax collector; James the son of Alphaeus, and Judas Thaddaeus, Simon the Zealo…

The joke scene from The Bicentennial Man (1999) with Robin Williams **Andrew Martin:** May one, sir? Is now a good time? **'Ma'am' Martin:** What? A good time for what? **Andrew Martin:** Last night, Sir taught... **Sir:** No, no, no, don't blame me Andrew. Just... go ahead. **Andrew Martin:** Thank you sir **Andrew Martin:** [Very fast] Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says ""Does this taste funny to you?"" How do you make a hanky dance? Put a little boogie in it! W…

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman... ... sitting in a bar. Englishman raises his glass of ale and says ""Here's to my son George. We named him George because he was born on St Georges Day"". The Scotsman raises his dram of whisky, ""Here's to my son Andrew, named as such because he was born on St Andrew's Day"". The Irishman raises his Guinness and exclaims ""Feck me what a coincidence - it's exactly the same for me and my son Pancake!""

Alan Will and Andrew Way met in college.. Soon they became the best of friends and were inseparable. But after college they fell upon hard times and had to resort to robbing people. In one such robbery Alan shot a woman and was sent to jail. When his case came up in court, Alan readily confessed to his crimes. The Public Prosecutor was not convinced that this was a one man job. Andrew was also presented before the court. After merciless grilling by the prosecutor Andrew also confessed to being a…

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop. ... .... .... He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at ... Read more...

Knock Knock Who's there ! Andrew ! Andrew who ? Andrew all her money out of the bank !

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop. He was quite successful and through great marketing

Stunt pilot?,"My friend Andrew met a girl in the pub last night and they ended up going home together. Tonight the girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees Andrew...He was stacking washing powder boxes onto the shelves. ""Andrew you lying bastard"" she yells ""last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"" ""No"" he says ""I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team.""

Stunt pilot? My friend Andrew met a girl in the pub last night, and they ended up going home together. Tonight the girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees Andrew...He was stacking washing powder boxes onto the shelves. "Andrew you lying bastard" she yells "last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!" "No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were talking about their families. The Englishman said: "My son was born on St George's Day, so we called him George." "What a coincidence!" said the Scotsman. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so we called him Andrew." "That's amazing," said the Irishman. "Wait till I get home and tell our Pancake!"

Wife #1: “Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late?” Wife #2: “Well, every time he would come home I would simply say, 'Mike, is that you?'” Wife #1: “But I still don't understand. How did that kept him from staying out?” Wife #2: “My husband's name is Andrew!”

Knock Knock Who's there? Almond! Almond who? Almond the side of the law! 1670. Knock Knock Who's there? Andrew! Andrew who? Andrew a picture! 1671. Knock Knock Who's there? Andy! Andy who? Andy mosquito bit me again! 1672. Knock Knock Who's there? Astor! Astor who? Astor the ball is over!