Scot Jokes

MacGregor the... An American tourist is visiting a picturesque Scottish village, when all of a sudden he hears someone crying. Looking around, he notices a Scotsman sitting on a bench bawling his eyes out. ""Hey, are you OK?"" The Scot looks up and sighs heavily. ""Listen, laddie,"" he says, ""d'ye see that hoose over thair?"" The tourist looks around. ""Sure, I see it."" ""I built that hoose with me own hands, but d'ye think they call me MacGregor the hoose-builder? Nooooo. And d'ye see that we…

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot are all sitting at a bar having a pint Three flies drop from above and one lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman says ""Gross!"" and dumps his beer out. The Irishman mumbles ""eh"" as he picks the fly out and proceeds to drink his beer. The Scot grabs the fly from his glass and in a thick Scottish accent says ""Spit it out you bastard!"".

A Scot, a Brit, and an American walk into a bar. They all sit down and order pints of beer. When the American gets his beer, he notices a fly in it. He beckons over to the bartender and asks, ""Excuse me, bartender, but there seems to be a fly in my beer."" The bartender apologizes and brings the American a new beer who drinks it down. The Brit then gets his beer and also notices a fly in it. He takes a look at it, shrugs, and drinks the beer down fly and all. The Scot also notices a fly in his …

A Scot walks into a bar An old Scot asks the bar person for a pint of Tennant's; he receives it and looks at it thoughtfully. 'Do you think you can fit a wee dram of whisky in there?' he says. 'Yes, I think I can', says the bar person, knowingly. Says the old Scot: 'THEN FILL IT TO THE BRIM WITH TENNANT'S, YA BINT!''

An Irishman, And Englishman and a Scot are in a bar... ...when a fly lands in each of their beers. The Englishman, disgusted, pushes the beer away and demands a new one. The Scot, picks the fly out and keeps drinking. The Irishman grabs the fly, sqeezes it, and shouts, ""Spit it out you little bastard!""

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar, and they all order a pint. A fly lands in each man's glass. The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust. The Scot flicks the fly out of his glass and begins drinking. The Irishman grabs the fly from his glass, throws it down to the bartop and screams ""Spit it out ya wee bastard, it's mine!""

Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together. - When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave. - We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?

Great Scot! Waiter: Are you here for a special occasion? Campbell: Aye, we won the third prize in the annual Robert Burns contest... A haggis dinner for two. Waiter: What were the other prizes? Campbell: Second prize was a single haggis dinner, and if you won the first prize, you didnae have to eat the haggis.

The Price of Dismissal An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. ""Well, "" said the American, ""I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at t…

Englishman vs scotsman ! A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. ""Go on,"" said the Scot, ""have another drink."" The Englishman drank gratefully. ""But don't you want one, too?"" he asked the Scotsman. ""Perhaps,"" replied the Scotsman, ""after the police have gone.""

The UK is leaving the EU and because of that, Scotland is moving for another Independence Referendum... So the english are going to get away scot free!

A Scot, an English man, and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building. The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland!'' The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!'' The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''

A Scottish joke An Arab sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be foundlocally, the call went out around the world. Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklac…

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. My son was born on St George's Day,"" commented the English man. ""So we obviously decided to call him George"" ""That's a real coincidence,"" remarked the Scot. ""My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."" ""That's incredible, what a coincidence, ""said the Irishman. ""Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.""

The Scotsman and the sheikh A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carat…

I met a Scot one day who was wearing a kilt. I asked him ""Is it true you guys don't wear underwear under there?"" ""Aye laddy"" he says ""why dont ye stick yer hand up there and see fer yerself."" As I reached up, I couldn't help but say ""Argh, that's gruesome."" ""Aye, it has,"" he says ""And if ye leave yer hand in there it'll grew some more.""

Great Scot, Marty! You know what you'd get if I locked myself in a room with the old-me from 1955 and convinced my other self never to build a time machine? A paradox, Marty!

A Scotsman stumbles out of the bar after closing.... ...and promptly passes out on the side of the road. In the wee hours of the morning three nuns pass him. One mutters ""Poor soul, let us pray for him."" After they pray and are about to leave one nun says ""Have you ever wondered exactly what the mystery is? I mean, that is to say, what's under a Scotsman's kilt?"" The sisters pause for a moment until one says ""Well let's have us a quick peek, nobody will ever know."" One sister reaches down,…

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. ""Go on,"" said the Scot, ""have another drink."" The Englishman drank gratefully. ""But don't you want one, too?"" he asked the Scotsman. ""Perhaps,"" replied the Scotsman, ""after the police have gone

An Irish, a Scot and an English man are digging..... in their back gardens. 12 feet down the English man finds copper wire. In the local paper he announces England had internet 200 years ago. The Scots mon finds wire at 16 feet and announces Scotland had internet 300 years ago. The Irish man digs 22 feet! but finds nothing and states in the paper. 400 years ago Ireland had wireless.

A Scot, an Australian, and a Czech attended a medieval combat tournament. At first they each had some difficulties getting prepared. The Scot was detained by police because of mistaken identity. The Australian got lost on the tournament grounds. And the Czech was having some trouble finding armor that would fit. But it all worked out, and a mutual friend of all three inquired about their situations with a tournament official. ""Oh, yes, I've seen them. Their problems have been sorted out. The Sc…

An Irishman, a Scot and an Englishman walk into a pub... They each enjoyed a pint and shared some laughs. It was a great night.

A Scot and an Englishman were forced to move to Australia for work due to the really bad economy. They found employment building roads. One day the Englishman unknowingly got bitten by a snake and collapsed only to be found a short time thereafter by the Scot who cared for him. Upon waking the Englishman asked what happened and the Scot replied Snake!. Snake? replied the englishman, what happened? Bitumin! replied the scot

A Greek and a Scot ...... Were walking on a farm together just shooting the shit. They see a goat with his horns stuck in the fence so the Scot runs up to it, lifts up his kilt and starts to go to town on the goat. When he finishes, he steps back, takes a deep breath and tells the Greek; ""Ah rrright man, it's yurr turn."" .........So the Greek stuck his head in the fence.

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery. But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money. A …