Scot Jokes

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman are all eating lunch together. The Englishman says, ""I hate bologna! If I get bologna one more time, I'm going to kill myself!"" The Scot says, ""I hate ham! If I get ham one more time, I'll kill myself, too!"" The Irishman says, ""I hate peanut butter! If I get peanut butter one more time, I'll do the same thing!"" The next day, each of them gets the same lunch as they did the day before, and killed themselves. At the funeral, their widows started talking…

One night at a pub . . . A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around. The Englishman says, ""There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."" The Scot is not impressed and says, ""That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."" The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, ""That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all ni…

A Scot finished making love with a woman, and heads to the bathroom. She sees him remove and wash off his condom. She says, ""You Scots certainly are cheap bastards!"" The guy responds, ""Hey, I have to clean it. It belongs to the club!""

One Scot came back from work earlier then usual and saw plumber's car in the front of the house. - Oh my God I hope it is her lover.

A Scottish man an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says ''There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy.'' The Scot is not impressed and says ''That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five.'' At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman totally unimpressed says ''That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord bu…

What does a true Scot keep under his kilt? A Scotsman is at a festival, and he comes dressed in his best kilt (worn properly, of course). As the festival proceeds, the Scot starts to get very drunk, and so he sits under a tree with his beer mug and falls asleep. A couple of "pretty lasses" walk by and see the Scot passed out under the tree. "What *DO* you think he has under his kilt?" one of them asks the other. "I don't know!" she says. "Do you think maybe we should have ourselves a look?" T…

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery. But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of mone…

MacGregor A young Irishman sits down for a pint at his local pub, and soon the Scot on the stool next to him strikes up a conversation. You see the fishing pier out that window? asks the Scot. I built that pier with me own bare hands. But do they call me 'MacGregor the Pier-maker?' No. And he takes a drink of his whisky. You see the beautiful bar you're seated at? I planed it down with me own achin' back. But do they call me 'MacGregor the Bar-maker?' No. No! And he takes a drink of his whi…

An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman walked in to a bar... They each ordered a pint of beer. As the bartender served them up, a fly landed in each glass. The Englishman looked down upon his glass and said "Pardon me, bartender, but there appears to be a fly in my beer. Perhaps might I have another?" The Scot looks at the fly, flicks it off the top of his beer, and proceeds to quaff down the tasty beverage. The Irishman grabs the fly by the wings, and screams "SPIT IT OUT YE LITTLE BASTARD…

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into an English bar... Credit to my friend for this one. Everyone orders drinks, and are brought an additional drink for free. "See?" says the Englishman, "When you order a drink in an English bar, they give you a second one for free." "That's nothing," says the Scot, "When you order a drink in a Scottish bar, they give you TWO free drinks. Three drinks for the price of one!" "It's even better in Ireland," says the Irishman, "Sometimes, when you o…

pint of guiness On my last trip home I found myself in a pub in Edinburgh. A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Scots think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 pounds that no-one hear can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."  The bar was silent, the American noticed one Scot leaving, no-one took up the bet. 40 minutes later the Scot returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?" "Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minute…

A Scotsman is visiting America ...and decides to go hunting. While in the woods a huge beast runs by and the Scotsman shoots, but misses. 'What was that!' yelled the Scot. 'It was a moose' replied his guide, to which the Scotsman replied: If that was a moose, I don't want to see what your rats look like! [Credit](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2e9hgg/american_tourists_visit_russia/cjxf7p4) goes to /u/The_Dacca

An italian, a scot, and a chinese man start their first day working at a construction site... ...so, for their first task, their boss shows them this enormous pile of sand, and tells them they need to move it from point A to point B in two hours. "You," says the boss, pointing to the italian, "will shovel the sand." "You," he says to the scot, "will sweep after him." "and you," he says to the chinese man, "will be in charge of keeping the supplies in check." The boss comes back, …

The English and the Scots. A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."

A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist. "Six pence" says the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten …

A little-known risk with blood transfusions . . . A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood, in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After successful surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for g…

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman and Scotsman get captured fighting abroad And the leader of the captors announces 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn, the Englishman first, then the Irishman, the Welshman and lastly the Scotsman. But first, you each can make a final request, seeing as you all hail from honourable nations.' The Englishman responds with a hand on his chest, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one last time to remind me of …

A Scottish joke An Arab sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found
locally, the call went out around the world. Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the 
Arab. After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond n…

A Scotsman was shipwrecked... ...and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?" The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!" She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?" "Ock, aye! That haggis ha…

A Scot And His Wife Walking Through Town .. A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant. "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!" Being kind hearted, he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!" So, they walked past it again...

My Irish mom always told jokes about wee Paddy. This one was always my fave. There was an Englishman, a Scot and wee Paddy from Ireland all stranded on an island. They found a genie lamp and they rubbed it and a genie appeared and said they had three wishes. They quickly decided they would each get one. The Englishman wished to be back home with his family. *Poof* he was gone. The Scot made the same wish. *Poof* he was gone. It was Paddy's turn and he thought long and hard about what to wish fo…

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through a desert. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through a desert when their car breaks down. They decide they must walk across the desert. The Englishman takes an umbrella out of the boot and begins walking. The Irishman takes out his flask, fills it with whisky and follows the Englishman. The scot rips the door off the car and runs to catch up with the others. Sometime later they come across an Arab caravan. A man …

An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman are walking in a park when a genie appears out of nowhere The genie also magics up a slide, and says to them, "Whatever you wish for when sliding down this slide will be waiting at the bottom for you." The Englishman goes first. "Gold!" He yells as he slides down, and, true to the genie's word, he lands in a huge room, full to the brim with gold. The Scot goes down and says, "Jewels!" And he also lands in a room filled with jewels. Finally it is the Iris…

a Scottish man walks into a bar in canada He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it "A moose" replied the bartender "Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said the scot

18 pounds at birth A Scotsman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. After he hangs up, he orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 18 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 18 pounds, but the man just shrugs and says, "Aye, that's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Scottish baby boy." Two weeks later the Scot returns to the same…