Morris Jokes

Plane Ride Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ""Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."" Esther always replied, ""I know, Morris, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."" One year Morris and Esther went to the fair, and Morris said, ""Esther, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."" Esther replied, ""Morris, that airplane ride costs fifty d…

Blatant racial discrimination with a twist of truth. First grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. The teacher asks Sarah: ""What did you do at recess?"" Sarah says, ""I played in the sandbox."" The teacher says, ""That's good, now go to the Blackboard and if you can spell 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."" She does and gets a cookie. The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess. Morris says, ""I played with Sarah in the sandbox."" The teacher says, ""Good. If you wri…

""Fifty dollars is Fifty dollars!"" Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd really like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars' One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that he…

An old guy goes to the doctor... Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ""You're really doing great, aren't you?"" Morris replied, ""Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"" The doctor said, ""I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.""

At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected ""knock"" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-ol…

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. ""Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do,"" said Irving. ""Sounds great,"" Morris replied, ""but how do you make it last for an hour?"" ""Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!""

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to Leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. ""Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name? ""Morris Fishbien,"" he…

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough. ""Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?"" he said. ""I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."" ""You're on, old man,"" the braggart replied. ""It's a bet! Let's see what you got…

Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. ""I'm ashamed to bring this up,"" he said, ""but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, 'a sample'."" The woman was shocked. ""Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman!"" The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, ""He's a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. By …

A Jewish couple are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system the Captain announces: ""Ladies and Gentlemen I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on …

Morris was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'N I L'. White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity The Blessed Emptiness and The Big Zero in the Sky. Morris turned to a white-robed observer beside him and wispered .... ...... ""Is Nothing Sacred?""

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home. "" Oy Morris "" said grandma "" You've been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ? "" Leaning close to grandma so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered "" I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk home.""

What do you call someone who dances on cars ? A morris dancer !

English Folk Customs by Morris Dancer

Morning Jew Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza." "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Centre." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown." The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your…

Stop laughing, we are all SENIORS !!!! Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..' --- A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' ' Twelve thirty..' --- Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.…

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman and Scotsman get captured fighting abroad And the leader of the captors announces 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn, the Englishman first, then the Irishman, the Welshman and lastly the Scotsman. But first, you each can make a final request, seeing as you all hail from honourable nations.' The Englishman responds with a hand on his chest, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one last time to remind me of …

At Friday night's services, Morris asks his friend Irving. "I need a favor, I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?" Irving is not very fond of the idea but being Morris' life-long friend, he reluctantly agrees. After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, "Irving what are you really up to?"…

A man and his wife went to the state fair every year Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just as it comes driving by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave." "Who?" "Dave Aronson. He's this guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave." "There are always a few clouds over everyone," says Morris. "Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sa…

As US tourists in Israel, Morris and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. "America," Morris replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States." "Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?" "Yes." she replied. Turning to the husband, he said…