I'm sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That's your new name now, there's nothing we can do about it.

MacGregor the... An American tourist is visiting a picturesque Scottish village, when all of a sudden he hears someone crying. Looking around, he notices a Scotsman sitting on a bench bawling his eyes out. ""Hey, are you OK?"" The Scot looks up and sighs heavily. ""Listen, laddie,"" he says, ""d'ye see that hoose over thair?"" The tourist looks around. ""Sure, I see it."" ""I built that hoose with me own hands, but d'ye think they call me MacGregor the hoose-builder? Nooooo. And d'ye see that we…

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot are all sitting at a bar having a pint Three flies drop from above and one lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman says ""Gross!"" and dumps his beer out. The Irishman mumbles ""eh"" as he picks the fly out and proceeds to drink his beer. The Scot grabs the fly from his glass and in a thick Scottish accent says ""Spit it out you bastard!"".

A Scot walks into a bar An old Scot asks the bar person for a pint of Tennant's; he receives it and looks at it thoughtfully. 'Do you think you can fit a wee dram of whisky in there?' he says. 'Yes, I think I can', says the bar person, knowingly. Says the old Scot: 'THEN FILL IT TO THE BRIM WITH TENNANT'S, YA BINT!''