Cork Jokes

Me: "This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones" "Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys"

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? Hahahaa WHY!!??

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight's dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

When someone uses the bathroom and asks about the wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.

The Affluence of Incohol I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork f…

Priest and a rabbi in a car accident A priest and a rabbi have a fender-bender in the middle of an intersection. They get out to survey the damage, and the rabbi turns to the priest and says, ""You know, this is a pretty trivial event, all things considered. I've got some Manischewitz in the car -- how about you and I drink to the friendship between our two faiths?"" The priest readily agrees, and takes a big swig from the bottle the rabbi offers. Then the rabbi puts the cork back in and tosses …

There was once these three students... ... and they were told to conduct an experiment of their choice. So the bought an elephant and put a cork in its ass and fed it non stop for 3 weeks. The idea was to see if it would all discharge at once. They had everything for the experiment ready: the hired a field had transport of the elephant but none were brave enough to pull out the cork. They trained a monkey to do it and with the elephant in the middle of the field and the monkey primed to release …

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop. He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down, they decided to grow and sell their own flowers. Since they grew all their own produce, the monks were able to undercut Andrew at …

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, ""How'd you get a cork in your ass?"" The other guy says, ""I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."" And I said, ""No shit.""

An idiot, a moron, and a dumbass want to win a blue ribbon at the State Fair. Idiot: ""But what could we win?"" Moron: ""What if we dun entered in an animal?"" Dumbass: ""We could win for 'World's Biggest Pig'!"" The three go out and procure the biggest pig they can find. Over the next few weeks, they feed the pig as much slop as it can keep down. It grows slowly, but with the State Fair a week away, it hasn't gained enough weight to win 'World's Biggest Pig'. Moron: ""Goddammit, how do we make …

Need Irish jokes, here's one to start... The Eighteen Bottles I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and pured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which…

There were 3 scientists and elephant and a monkey... The scientists thought it would be scientifically valuable to put a cork up an elephants backside so it couldn't shit, feed it for three months then pull the cork out and measure the results. They thought this would be dangerous so trained a monkey to pull the cork when a red light went. The big day finally came and the highly sophisticated experiment was all set up. the first scientist was 1 mile away, the second scientist was 2 miles away an…

Fattest Pig Contest One day 3 farmers are coming back from town when they see a sign for the County Fair coming next month, right below the main advert is another for a Fattest Pig Contest. The farmers have pigs on their farm so they think they should enter. When they get back to the farm the first farmer goes ""Let's get the fattest pig we have"" the second says ""And lets feed him a lot every day till the competition"" the third one goes ""And let's plug him up back there with a cork to keep h…

I once dated a strict Catholic from the south of Ireland I'll tell you what, you can take the girl out of Cork....

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident... A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, ""So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. ""This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our da…

SpaceX won't be drinking Champagne tonight. Every time they pop the cork it ends up back where it started...

An American, a Frenchman, and a Canadian are walking along... ...and the American is getting bored. Suddenly, he pulls out a bottle of bourbon, cracks it open, takes a swig, tosses the bottle up in the air, pulls out a gun, and blasts it into smithereens. The Canadian is shocked. ""What the hell?!"" he asks. ""You just wasted some perfectly good booze!"" The American shrugs. ""We've got plenty of bourbon down south."" The Frenchman, not to be outdone, produces a bottle of Champagne. He removes t…

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, ""So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.""…

A young monk went fishing A young monk goes fishing with two other much older and experienced monks. While out in the boat one of the older monks realizes he has forgotten his favorite hook, gets out of the boat, walks across the water, and returns shortly with his favorite hook. The young monk is stunned at this sight. A short while later the other older monk needs to recover a fishing cork he has dropped into the lake. He gets out of the boat, walks across the water about 15 feet, picks up the…

Based on a true story about my great grandmother An old woman is having trouble sleeping, and she goes to a doctor for help with her problem. The doctor suggests having a glass of wine before bed to relax her. The woman had never been much of a drinker, but she agreed to give it a try. She comes back to the office a week later, and the doctor asked how the treatment went. She said, ""It was amazing! One glass and I'd be out cold almost immediately. One annoying thing though, it was pretty hard t…

A Californian, an Oregonian and a Washingtonian all head out on a fishing trip... It's a beautiful day in the Cascades of Oregon and all three men are enjoying themselves - although a fervent discussion about which state is the superior state has sprung up, initiated by the Californian who won't shut up about, well, everything that California is better at. At noon, they stop by a stream to break for lunch. The Californian reaches into his knapsack and pulls forth a bottle of wine. ""Best wine in…

Ok, this one is kinda long, but bear with me. Every year, Farmer Big won the blue ribbon for the largest hog at the county fair. His neighbor, Farmer Little came over one day with a bottle of his best elderberry wine and proceeded to get Farmer Big drunk. Having achieved his aim, Farmer Little starts questioning Farmer Big about his trick for the biggest hog. Turns out, every year, 2 weeks before the fair, Farmer Big would select his largest hog and cram a #3 thermos cork up the hogs ass to plug…

UK Fire Insurance A man and his wife moved back home to Cork, from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was 2000.00 a year! When they arrived in Cork, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple that the price would be 39.00. The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost 2000.00 in England! The agent turned his comp…

the three men ok their were 3 men a englishman japanese and a maori man they happily walking there dogs to a bridge but as they came closer to the bridge a ghost appeared and said ""if you want cross the bridge as you walk across don't let your dog fart or you want be aloud across"" ""that does not sound hard"" the three men said and the englishman went first,half away across his dog farted ""why cheales why""the man said and then it was the japaneses turn,he only got one step and his dog farted…

Two scientist try to feed up a pig... They decide to feed up a pig to see how big it can get without it taking a dump. So they make up a feeding-plan, consisting of 3 weeks of permanent feeding of the pig, while putting a cork in his ass. After one week, the pig has doubled its size. The scientists, amazed with the results, decide to continue with the experiment. After two weeks of feeding, the pig has grown to be the size of VW Beetle. The scientist decide to continue with the experiment, but d…