Cork Jokes

Three farmers (longish) Three farmers are down on their luck, and are on the verge of utter destitution. They have only one pig left, a skinny thing that - no matter what kind or quality or quantity of food it eats - shits it all out and gains no weight. The first farmer says ""We have to find a way to fatten up this pig."" Second farmer says ""But nothing we've tried has worked so far."" The third farmer says ""I have an idea. We take the rest of our money, buy a monkey, and train him to put a …

A Rabbi and a Priest get in a car crash. A rabbi and a Priest get in a car crash. Miraculously they both escaped unscathed. The Rabbi looks to the priest and says ""surely this is a miracle by the grace of god don't you agree?"" The priest agrees with the Rabbi. ""Then surely you would agree God would want us to celebrate in friendship over this miracle?"" says the Rabbi. Again the priest agrees. ""Then let us celebrate,"" the priest says reaching into his wrecked car, ""with this bottle of vint…

Naming the twins A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, ""Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your Uncle from Cork came in and named them."" The woman thinks to herself, ""Oh No, not my Uncle... he's an idiot!"" She asks the doctor,""Well, what's the girl's name?"" ""Denise."" ""Wow, that…

Two men are changing in a locker room . . . When one of the men notices that the other has a cork up his butt. He politely asks why it is that the man has a cork stuck in his butt. The other man explains that one day as he was walking along the beach, he noticed a lamp resting in the sand. He rubbed it three times, not really expecting anything to happen, but lo and behold a genie appeared. ""The genie explained that he would grant me three wishes, and I said 'No shit!'.

3 Scientists, an Elephant and a Monkey Try to picture the monkey as curious george. 3 scientists were sitting around the lab getting drunk one day when one turned to the others and asked, ""What would happen if we put a giant cork up an elephants butt for a month?"" Well none of them knew for certain so they decided to try it out. They gathered an elephant and a giant cork together in a cage. The first scientist said, ""I'm not putting the cork up there."" The second scientist said, ""I'm not pu…

The poor little monkey... Three scientists were discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's butt and force fed it for 2 weeks. Because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend, they decided to have a go. A week in, they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull out the cork. One scientist came up with the idea of training a monkey to do the job. They spent the next week training it to pull o…

An Englishman is visiting Ireland for the first time... His first stop is Cork where he decides he wants to kiss the famous Blarney Stone. Unfortunately for him he hasn't a clue where the stone is, so he walks into a pub to ask for directions. He walks into the pub and yells, ""Alright Paddies, I'm visiting from London and I'm looking for someone to take me to kiss this famous Blarney's Stone I've heard so much about."" There's a small stir in the bar as every Irishman scowls at him, until one m…

Three scientists We're conducting an experiment. They put a cork in an elephants ass and then continued to feed it as normal taking notes on the effects on the elephants health day by day. After the 5th day they took a monkey and trained him to pull the cork out, and chained him to the leg of the elephant. The monkey did as he was trained and it was quite an explosive event. They barely got the three scientists out of the room alive. In the hospital the head of the experiment waited for each sci…

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, ""How'd you get a cork in your ass?"" The other guy says, ""I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a ... Read more...

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop. ... .... .... He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at ... Read more...

What did the cork say to the bottle? If you don't behave yourself, I'll plug you.

Age Barometer Total the number of these that you remember: 1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles 5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P.F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933) 12. Peashooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records 15. S&H; Green …

I had twelve bottles of whisky in my celler, and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each bottle down the sink or else. So I said I would, and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the drain with the ecception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted tho cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey dow…

Indian Genie Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish." And I said, "No shit."

A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire... A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire, talking and BSing. Being a Texan, the first man decides to use a lull in the conversation to prove his manhood to the group. He pulls out a 6-pack of Lone Star beer and a revolver, slams down one of the beers in record time, throws the rest of the full cans up in the air, and shoots each one individually with the gu…

The Vagrants Five men were brought in front of a judge on charges of vagrancy, public indecency and solicitation. They insisted, however, that they were just looking for work. "What do you do?", the judge asked the first man. “I’m a cork soaker.” The judge blinked. “Pardon?” “I’m a cork soaker. I worked at a wine bottling plant, soaking corks in water and making sure they fit the wine bottles perfectly when we sealed them up.” “Okay, what about you?”, the judge asked the second man. …

Irish Joke Paddy walks into a chemist ,pulls out a small bottle from his pocket, removes the cork and addresses the pharmacist. "Wid ye mind tastin that fir me"? The man takes a swig and screws his face up in disgust. "Thats terrible" he says. "So bitter". Paddy replies with delight "Oh tats good news, they told me to bring a sample here and get tested fir me sugar levels".

A man finds a bottle A man was walking along the beach when he came across an old glass bottle with a cork in it. Curious, he pulled out the cork, and with a loud bang and a cloud of smoke, a genie appeared. Excited, the man asked "Does this mean I get three wishes?" "Yes," said the genie. "But all my wishes come with a price." "I want to be rich," said the man. And the genie replied "Very well, but it will cost you your good name, and all the people will dislike you." "Who needs friends …

I'm not drunk I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.…

There once was a man from Cork... There once was a man from Cork, who got limericks and haiku confused

A man was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a bottle half buried in the sand. Excitedly, he picked it up and pulled out the cork. Out popped a genie! The genie, grateful for being released, said, "I will grant you three wishes, but there's a catch. Whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will receive double." The man thought for a moment and then said, "For my first wish, I want a mansion." *Poof!* A magnificent mansion appeared before him. But sure enough, his ex-wife received two ma…

I had 12 bottles of whisky... I had twelve bottles of whisky and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else there'd be hell to pay. So, I said I would and proceeded with the sad task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass... which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with the exception of one glass... which I drank. I then withdrew the cork f…

How do you get a champagne cork back in the bottle? I don't know

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop. He was quite successful and through great marketing

A man finds a bottle A man was walking along the beach when he came across an old glass bottle with a cork in it. Curious