If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I'd just yell out letters. - Demetri Martin

Helo, my name is Ma-ma-ma-ma-martin. ""You stutter?"" ""No, my father did and the registrar was an idiot.""

Martin Shkreli's life was such a joke he was born on April 1st...

Saying, ""I'm sorry,"" is the same as saying, ""I apologize."" Except at a funeral. - Demetri Martin