Hans Jokes

A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"

In 1941, a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio. Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States. "Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America. "And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued. "Where is Russia?" His father pointed to where Soviet Russia lay in all its time zone-hogging glory. "And we're also at war with the British Empire…

3 Women sitting in a café. Three women, a german, a french and a turkish one are sitting in a café, talking about how they educate their men. So the german one starts: "I say to my Hans, Hans Im no longer doing the dishes. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, look, he is doing the dishes." The french one replies: " I say to my Jeanne-Claude, I dont cook anymore. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, voila, he is cook…

A joke that I heard from a German Friend. In World War 1 there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. Until one day an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explains his plan to his trench mates, and they figured 'why not?' its not like they have any better ideas. The next day an american soldier calls out, "Hans!?" A German pops up and shouts back, "Ja?!" *Boom* The German is shot…

So the Germans were having a hard time against the entrenches Italians in WW1 Lt Rommel has an idea: "Hey, a lot of Italians are named Luigi. I say we try calling out 'hey, Luigi', and when they stick their head out to answer, we shoot them." It was decided that it was worth a try so early the next morning the Germans launch their new "offensive". A German soldier called out, "Hey, Luigi!". An Italian soldier stuck his head out and replied, "Ya?" BANG! This went on for a while. "Hey, Luigi…

Hitler's platoon One day before a big battle during WW2 Hitler lined up his men in rows for a speech. During his speech he got interrupted by a sneeze coming from the crowd of soldiers. "Who sneezed?!" said Hitler angrily, stopping mid way through his speech. None of the soldiers from the first row dared to speak up. "Hans, Shoot!" yelled Hitler as Hans, his right hand man, levelled the first row of men with the ground. The same thing happened with the secomd row. Hitler asked who sneezed, n…

Hans and Johns It's WW II. A group of American soldiers get ambushed. The worst part is they can't find where the Germans firing on them are hiding. One of the Americans gets an idea and asks his buddy, "Hey, what's a common German name?" "I don't know, Hans?" "HEY HANS!" Hans jumps up from the bushes, "Ya?" BANG - Hans gets dragged to the hospital, spending 6 months getting patched up before being sent back to the frontlines. Hans gets in a shootout when the same American soldier recogniz…

Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie… Hans down.

Santa Claus had started feeling like he was losing some of his mojo at one point... ... so in recent years, he had taken to periodically stopping during his annual Christmas Eve present run to take in words of wisdom from spiritual leaders from various backgrounds all over the world, hoping that someone could re-ignite that spark for him that made Christmas special. Eventually, he realized that it wasn't just him - the reindeer were tired, his sleigh was starting to look a bit run-down, and ev…

Die Hard is the best Christmas movie Hans down

Is that you Hans? During World War 1

I deleted all the German contacts out of my phone... now its Hans free

I just deleted all the German names from my phone Now it's Hans free.

""I just deleted all the German names off my phone."" ***""It's Hans free""***

In 1941 a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio.

Hans, are you a nazi? Nein...

Why was hans crying at dinner? Because the meat was Chewy.

Why did Harrison Ford Crash his plane? because he was flying solo and went look no hans...

How many babies does it take to stop a puck? Ask Subban from the Hans to find out

What did the handicapped racecar driver say? "I have no Hans"

How does Kylo Ren talk on the phone? A Hans free device

A man was walking through Chinatown when he saw a sign saying "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry". Being curious, he went into the shop and was greeted by an elderly Oriental man who introduced himself as Hans Schmidt. "How come you have a name like that?" inquired the stranger. "You don't look very German!" "Is simple," said the Oriental shop owner. "Many many year ago when come to this country I stand in immigration line behind big German guy. Immigration lady look at him and go, 'What your name?…