France Jokes

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says ""Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera had a boat four fine cars the most beautiful women and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."" The new man asked ""What happened?"" ""One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!""

An Englishman Frenchman Mexican and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says "" We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump at least one of you can survive"" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers ""God Save The Queen"" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers ""Viva La France"" and he al…

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are walking through the jungle when they are captured by cannibals. They are brought before the cannibal chief. He says, 'I have some good news, and some bad news. Bad news is when you are dead, we are going to eat you, use your bones for tools and make canoes out of your skin. Good news is that you choose how you die.' The Englishman asked for a sword, said 'God save the Queen" and ran himself through. The Frenchman asked for a gun, said 'Viva La Fr…

Heard this one in history class. North Korea threatened to bomb the US and France immediately surrendered.

So a Man Finds a Magic Lamp... ... The genie comes out and tells the man he has 1 wish. The man asks "I'd like a transatlantic highway so that I can visit my family in France more easily" The genie replies "That is a bit of a daunting task, is there anything other than this that you'd like?" The man says "I've never had any luck with women. So, I'd like to be able to understand a woman's thought at all times and know what exactly she wants." The genie thinks it over for a bit and says, "So…

Jim Apple finds introducing himself very problematic when holidaying in France.

American scientists made a clocks ... that goes forward a second if someone swears near it. So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks. In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing. They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?". Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."

4 men entered a plane... ...an Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and a Texan and were flying across the country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired an…

Terrorism is a serious issue The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warni…

My girlfriend's response to a lesbian joke that I told her Years ago I told my girlfriend a joke, it went something like this: Me: Did you hear about the French lesbian who went back home to France? Her: (Shakes her head no) Me: She missed her native tongue. After I said the punchline, she didn't get it, just sat there and looked at me straight-faced, trying to make sense of it, finally she blurts out, "They have natives in France?"

A British guy, a French guy, a Texan, and a Mexican are all on a boat together. They sail on for a while, when suddenly a storm breaks loose. The boat begins to fill with water. Realizing that sinking in inevitable, the Brit screams "God save the Queen!", and then jumps off. They remaining three are fine for a while, but water is still pouring into the boat. Realizing that sinking is once again inevitable, the French dude screams "Viva la France!" and jumps into the water. Once again, the bo…

Terror Alerts - by John Cleese The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" …

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV. Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?" "Do what?" asked Mick. "Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin?, snowin?, hailin? .. .. .. why would they torture themselves like that?" "Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros? "Yeah,…

Apparently France wanted to change their name after WWII. Unfortunately the name Iran was already taken.

Three men were sitting together... bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic duties. The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had given his wife orders …

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is …

An Englishman in France This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally blasted. A French policeman stops his car and asks if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter. Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and - ping, pow, boom…

3 Presidents are in a Plane So three presidents are in a plane, an American one, a French one, and a Mexican one. As they were flying, the American president stuck his hand out (one of those windowless planes), and said "hey, were in America!" The French president asks how did he know they were in America, and the American president says, "because when I stuck my hand out, I felt the top of the empire state building." A short while later, the French president sticks his hand out and say "Hey, w…

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing... They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!" The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German ale appears in his hand. He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it's still miraculously full! The Frenchma…

"The child returned to the sun" Around 1250, a merchant leaves France for a 2 years trip to the middle-east. When he comes back, his unfaithful wife had a son with a handsome young man of the city. Upon coming back home, the merchant sees the baby, who is obviously too young to be his own. He asks his wife: "My dear wife, please tell me whose son is this ? -Dear husband, last winter, during a snowy day, as I was wandering, sad and crying because you were absent, I looked up in the sky in praye…

My new housemate is French... My new housemate is French. Last night when he got home I said, "Nice to know you're from France.. My favourite place is North of France, actually.." "Let me guess," he said, "Lille.. Arras.. or maybe Côte d'Opale?.." "No, England." I replied. Source: http://www.sickipedia.org/racism/french/my-new-housemate-is-french-last-night-when-he-got-1644723 #Sickipedia

A Frenchmen, A Englishman and an American are traveling in the Amazon When suddenly a cannibal tribe captures them. The cannibal leader steps forward and states "It is nothing against you men. We all have been raised cannibals and need to eat. Every scrap will be used including your skin to make a boat. We will, however, give you the option on how you want to die. Frenchman how do you wish to die?" The Frenchman mulls it over for a minute and declares "I'll use a gun." The tribe gives him a pi…

I may not have as many Oscars as Leo anymore but... I've still got as many Tour De France wins as Lance Armstrong.

Little Muhammad goes to 1st grade... When the teacher asked his name he replied: "Muhammad". The teacher says:" you live in France, from now on you're name is Phillip and you will be French" Little Phillip goes back home and his mom asks him" well little Muhammad, how was school?" Phillip replied: "I'm French now, my name is Phillip!" The mom is shocked, an hour later his dad comes home and they both slap Phillip. The day passes and Phillip goes to class with a black eye, the teacher asks him:"…

USA has 9/11, France has 11/13, and Israel has? 24/7