Vladimir Putin Jokes

*Vladimir Putin dining* I want Russian fries "They're French fries" Not for long *crosses Ukraine out on agenda & lists France* Not for long

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he's losing at Risk.

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov "will be ruthlessly hunted down." He added, "It's cheaper than paying them"

Johnson is a janitor for a big international company. One day, as Johnson is sweeping the floors in the lobby of the main headquarters for the company, George Bush enters the building as he has a meeting with the CEO. He meets the CEO in the lobby but before entering the conference room, he greets Johnson, ""Heeey Johnson! Nice to see you buddy!"" After the meeting, the CEO approaches Johnson and asks ""Hey, how do you know mr Bush?"" ""Oh, we go golfing some times. He's a pretty nice guy"". The…

Vladimir Putin, Fidel Castro and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train.. Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train. Fidel Castro pulls an expensive Cuban cigar out of his pocket, lights it, and then throws it out the window after only a few puffs. Vladimir Putin and the Oort Cloud are both surprised by this and ask ""what are you doing, Fidel? That's an expensive cigar!"" To which Castro responds, ""in your country/post-heliopausal region perhaps, but in my country th…

Which musical instrument does Vladimir Putin know how to play best? The TRUMPet!

Vladimir Putin to begin marketing Kremlin brand jeans Each pair comes with a complimentary Donald Trump in the back pocket.

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Kathleen Wynn, all die and go to hell.(Ontario Joke) While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.. Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes. When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Tr…

A Democrat wakes up after being in a year-long coma... ...and immediately calls the doctor over to his hospital bed. ""Doctor, I need to know; who won the election? Was it Sanders? Clinton?"" The doctor shakes her head. ""Let me put it this way: there's good news and there's bad news."" ""What's the bad news?"" the Democrat asks. ""Donald Trump is the President-elect, and has appointed a climate change denier as the head of the EPA, a close friend of Vladimir Putin as Secretary of State, and a b…

The U.S. will soon have the first first lady that was not born in the U.S. Vladimir Putin

Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin went fishing... After a couple of hours, Obama was flinging his arms around, swatting mosquitos away, while Putin sat there, watching the pond, unbothered. ""How is it, that these bloodsuckers only target my blood reserves?"" Asked Obama. ""They don't bite you at all!"" Putin smiled knowingly and replied: ""They're not allowed to"".

With Vladimir Putin so eager to restore ties, I think the U.S and Russia should form one country. We can call it The United States of Soviet Russia! USSR for short.

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Boris Johnson walk into a room...Oh God. This isn't even a joke anymore. Help

How do you know if a Russian vampire is gay? If Vladimir Putin it in the butt.

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin make phone calls George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished th…

epic meeting of world's top leaders During a World Economic Summit, George W Bush, Mexican President Vincente Fox, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and French Prime minister Jacques Chirac are ceremonially riding in Japan's newest bullet train. As you might know all of these political leaders have big egos and this is what ensued. George Bush says ""This is a fine bottle of wine Prime Minister Chirac"" Upon hearing this Prime Minister Chirac throws out a case of France's finest wine and says ""…

Did you hear about the new show about Xi Jinping, Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin? It's called [Removed]

Vladimir Putin was recently late to a meeting He was really Russian

Top UN officials asked Vladimir Putin to stop annexing countries He responded: Oh go Crimea river

How did Donald Trump get his tonsils removed? Vladimir Putin wore a spiked condom.

Barack Obama Bar Jokes During a World Economic Summit, Barack Obama, Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and French President Francois Hollande are ceremonially riding in Japan's newest bullet train. As you might know all of these political leaders have big egos and this is what ensued. Barack Obama says ""This is a fine bottle of wine Francois"" Upon hearing this President Francois Hollande throws out a case of France's finest wine and says ""In France fine w…

What do you call Vladimir Putin after an ultimate fighting championship? Vloody Putin

bear hug Kim Jong Il and Vladimir Putin are having a summit meeting in Moscow. During a break, they're bored, and they decide to take a bet to see whose bodyguards are more loyal. Putin is on the 20th floor and calls on his bodyguard Ivan, opens the window, and says: ""Ivan, jump!"" Sobbing, Ivan says: ""Mr. President, how can you ask me to do that? I have a wife and child waiting for me at home..."" Putin sheds a tear himself, apologizes to Ivan, and sends him away. Next, it's Kim Jong Il's tur…

North Korea Kim Jong Il and Vladimir Putin are having a summit meeting in Moscow. During a break, they're bored, and they decide to take a bet to see whose bodyguards are more loyal. Putin is on the 20th floor and calls on his bodyguard Ivan, opens the window, and says: ""Ivan, jump!"" Sobbing, Ivan says: ""Mr. President, how can you ask me to do that? I have a wife and child waiting for me at home..."" Putin sheds a tear himself, apologizes to Ivan, and sends him away. Next, it's Kim Jong Il's …

Vladimir Putin met Bashar al-Assad One day Vladimir Putin met Bashar al-Assad. The conversation turned to America. Assad: Hey Vlad, what's the difference between America and a carton of yogurt? Putin: I don't know, what? Assad: If you leave a carton of yogurt alone for 200 years, it'll grow a culture.