Vampire Jokes

"How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I'm good."

Asking politicians to give up source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood.

Surprised to find out that the untold part of Dracula Untold is that he's a weed-smoking libertarian

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I'd find a way to cover blood in cheese.

oh these 2 bleeding dots on my neck? uhhh no i'm not a vampire, some crazy dude stabbed me with 2 pens. hey can you toss me a bloodweiser ;)

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire ME: wouldn't it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then? BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?

Reasons I work out. 1) I don't wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned. 2) I guess to be healthy

A show about a vampire glee club's exploits in 1960's New York. You're welcome, Hollywood.

apparently, Twilight is "so popular" because teenagers can relate to it. Oh yeah, I remember that time when I was a vampire.

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

I hope I don't get bitten by a vampire when I'm old and have to spend eternity as a senior citizen.

People overlook Dracula's positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

When someone spaces out their "ha ha ha's" in a text I read it in Count Dracula's voice

So hard to hurt a vampire's feelings because you can't say "how do you sleep at night?" or "how do you look at yourself in the mirror?"

Having correctly predicted the vampire craze, I now boldly predict the next pop culture phenomenon. Butlers.

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

- Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth. - Vhere, here? - No... - Here? - No, just go look in- - GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

Fantasy football is great, you can just imagine whatever you want. Dracula just tackled Harry Potter.

Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if a guy is not a vampire.

At first I thought maybe HBO had another vampire show. Then I realized that's just what Steve Buscemi really looks like.

CAT VAMPIRE: let me in! ME: ok CAT VAMPIRE: you fool! now I will suck your bl- ME: *closes door* CAT VAMPIRE: ... CAT VAMPIRE: let me out

If a vampire bites his tongue, does his tongue become a vampire? Tongpire?

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

Bella is the most misunderstood girl in fiction. She games Edward for immortality, starts a vampire war&secures a wolf servant for her baby.