Vampire Jokes

Three vampires walk into a bar... The 1st vampire asks the bartender for a Bloody Mary, the bartender complies and gets him his drink. The 2nd vampire asks the bartender for a Blood Orange juice, the bartender, starting to sense a theme, gets the vampire his drink. The 3rd vampire asks the bartender for some hot water. The bartender confused why the vampire didn't order some blood related drink asks ""How come you don't want any bloody-type drink?"" The 3rd vampire then pulls out a used tampon a…

Why didn't the vampire feed off of Taylor Swift? She had Bad Blood.

Why did the vampire go to the doctors? Because he was coffin...

A good one for Halloween NSFW Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says ""Three glasses of blood fellas?"" The first two say yes but the third shakes his head. ""No thanks. Just some hot water please."" The bartender was shocked. ""What's the deal? I though you guys only drank blood."" The vampire took a used tampon out of his pocket. ""I'm making tea.""

My neighbor was a vampire When I stabbed her in the heart with a wooden stake, she died.

I would tell you a joke about a vampire... ...but it would probably suck.

Loads of people are lining up to buy my vampire teeth. Fang queue.

Why do vampire's use linux? Because they don't like windows in their house. Ba^Dum^Tss

Why is no one friends with Dracula? Cause hes a pain in the neck.

Dracula and Satan This joke was heard over the radio. Dracula, after being killed, pleaded with Satan. ""Stan, partner, send me back to Earth, I will help your cause."" ""On one condition, Drac,"" Satan answered. ""But no longer a vampire, although you can still sip blood."" ""Oh no, just a mosquito, you mean?"" Dracula asked. ""Or a leech?"" ""None of those,"" replied Satan. ""You choose to be either a surgical absorbent cotton or a feminine sanitary napkin."" ""Oh

Vampire was searching the garbage... ...and the man came and asked him... M: what are you doing? V: I am looking for used tampons... M: why? V: My wife is sick, I have to make her some tea!

A limerick about a vampire named Mable. [NSFW] There was a young vampire called mable, whose periods were always quite stable, at every full moon, she took out a spoon, and drank herself under the table.

A vampire walks into a bar... He goes up to the barkeep and asks ""Do you have any vintage blood?"" The Barkeep shakes his head no, ""Sorry we stopped serving blood a few weeks ago."" The vampire then says he will wait for his friends before moving on to another bar. A few minutes later another vampire enters and again asks the barkeep for a glass of blood. Getting the same reply he joins his friend at the table to wait for the third. When the third vampire walks in the barkeep is already agitat…

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month!

A skeleton and his wife was walking on a sidewalk... when they both saw a restaurant. The skeleton asks: ""Honey, do you want to try the food in this restaurant? I heard it is delicious."" the skeleton's wife said: ""Nah, i do not have the *stomach* for it."" As they were walking, an upset vampire walked past them. The skeleton said: ""Hmm, it must really *suck* to be a vampire."" Meanwhile, the skeleton's wife noticed a lost and confused ghost on the sidewalk. ""Whats the matter? Do you need an…

A Lady Vampire walks into a bar she takes a seat and asks the bartender for a glass of water. The bartender raises an eyebrow quizzically and asks ""Why would a vampire need water?"" The vampire smiles slyly before promptly reaching down to pull out a used tampon and replies, ""Bloody Mary.""

A vampire checks into a hotel... A vampire checks into a hotel downtown, and asks the bell-hop to carry his luggage up to his room. When they arrive, the vampire sinks his teeth into the boy, sucks out every last drop of blood, and throws him out the window. His dead carcass lands on a man who's waiting at the bus stop down below. The vampire then calls the front desk and asks for a bell-hop to be sent to his room. They send one, he knocks on the door, and the vampire grabs him, pulls him into t…

What did the first lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See you next month!

Vampire Joke Jane was sleeping peacefully one night, when a vampire attempts to sneak up on her. She wakes up, and says: ""You do realize that drinking my blood is murder!"" to which the vampire replies, ""No blood, no foul"".

What did the lesbian vampire say to her girlfriend? ""See ya next month!""

Countdown is Dracula's retarded brother.

The Vampire's Wish-long Boris took a break from polishing the deep, rich, black paint on his cherished Chevrolet Impala. His thoughts drifted back to the fine April day in nineteen sixty-three when he first saw the car sitting on the showroom floor. It was only a matter of hours before he'd purchased the car, and was driving it with the convertible top down. The dazzling mid-day sun glistened off of the chrome as his wavy black hair blew in the breeze. Within a few months, his bright world would…

A vampire walks into a bar... He orders a cup of hot water. When he gets it he smiles, whips out a bloody tampon, and says Time for Tea!

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

Ever since I became a vampire I've been too ashamed to even look at myself in the mirror