Vampire Jokes

Did you hear about the police detective who really bungled the vampire case? He set up a stake out.

3 Vampires join a blood-sucking competition.. Whoever is able to drink the most blood in the fastest time, would be declared the winner. The 1st Vampire runs down the hill and comes back a minute afterwards. He points down the hill and said: ""You guys see that village over there? I drank all of the people blood there!"" The 2nd Vampire runs down the hill and comes back in 30 seconds. He points down the hill and said: ""You guys see that farm over there? I drank all of the animals and humans blo…

How can you tell when Dracula is sick? By his coughin'

Count Dracula survived on the blood of 18 year old virgins for Millennia... He died last year.

I found a bloodsucking vampire in my house today. I don't know how the lawyer got in but I had to chase him out with a broom.

How do you kill a vampire baby? Stake and shake

What did the vampire lizard say to his next victim? Iguana suck your blood!

So I wrote some Chuck Norris jokes the other day... The devil once sold his soul to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't speak, he thinks loudly. New Orleans didn't flood because of a hurricane. Chuck Norris did a canon ball into the Gulf of Mexico. Chuck Norris once punched the Tower of Pisa. Chuck Norris doesn't fart, because nothing can escape Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris goes skydiving, the Earth uses a parachute. When Chuck Norris takes a shower, the soap doesn't clean him. He cleans the s…

What did the spectator say when the magician transformed Dracula into 2? Miraculous. Edited: tough crowd

3 vampires walk into a bar... The first vampire orders a pint of blood. The second vampire gets blood mixed with vodka. The third vampire asks for a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, ""You sure you don't want a pint of blood or some blood mixed with vodka?"" The third vampire says, ""No thanks, I have a used tampon in my pocket to make tea.""

Two Vampires wal into a bar. Two vampires walk into a bar. They both sit at a table and wait for employee to come. Once the employee comes one of the vampires asks for a glass of blood, while the other asks for hot water. When the employee delivers the orders to the table he couldn't avoid to ask: - Why would a vampire drink hot water? The vampire, slowly goes into his pocket and brings out a used tampon and says: - I prefer tea sir... **EDIT:** Just noticed I wrote wal instead of walk. I'm sorr…

What did the lesbian-vampire say to her girlfriend? See ya next month.

A vampire walks into a bar This vampire walks into a bar. Says ooOOOooOOOooo boogity boogity. Bar tender says ""Alright, well what'll you have?"" Vampire sits down and says can I get a big glass of hot water?"" Bartender goes, gets a giant cup of boiling water and says ""Here. I thought you guys needed blood or something like that though, why hot water?"" Vampire reaches into his coat pocket, pulls out this giant tampon and says ""I'm making tea.""

What do you call a vampire that drinks period blood? Cunt Dracula.

Vampires love tea... A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says ""I thought you only drink blood?"" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, ""I'm making tea""!

3 vampires walk into a bar The first vampire says ""I'll take a pint of A positive"" The second vampire says ""I'll take a Bloody Mary, let me go top shelf with the O negative"" The third vampire asks for a hot water. The first vampire asks him ""Steve you're not gonna drink anything blood?"" Steve takes out a used tampon and says ""I'm just having tea""

A wizard and a vampire walk in to a bar The Wizard says, ""Let me buy you a drink old friend,"" The Vampire says, ""One chicken please!""

To go with the lesbian vampire joke A vampire walks into a bar one late night. The vampire ask the bartender ""May I have a cup of hot water?"" The bartender takes out a cup and pours out a cup of hot water. When the bartender placed the cup on the counter he asked ""I thought vampires only drink blood."" the vampire then pulls out a tampon and says ""I'm making tea"". HIOHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What did the vampire say to her kids? Eat your dinner before it clots!

[oc] Halloween. Three boys knock on the door of an old lady. They are in single file and stand there silently. She says to the first boy ""Well? It is Halloween right? When you come to the door what do you say??"". The boys start to chuckle as Spiderman mumbled ""trick or treat?"". He takes his candy in silence as the woman asks ""now what do you say?"". The boys laugh a little harder as the boy mutters a thank you. When the vampire approaches silently she becomes irritated. ""You clearly heard …

What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca and a vampire? AUTOEXEC.BAT (Not my joke, but I tell it every time a buzz needs killed.)

Dracula Why is Dracula's favorite subject in school Math? Because he likes to Count.

What did the vampire say to the teacher? See ya next period.

Vampire walks into a bar... he asks the bartender for a cup of hot water. The bartender looks at him and says ""I thought you only drank blood."" The vampire takes out a used tampon and says ""I'm making tea.""

Two vampires are sitting in a bar... and the barkeep comes up and asks, ""what can I get for you guys?"" The first vampire says, ""I'll just have a glass of blood"" The second vampire says, ""I'll have a glass of hot water"" The first vampire is rather confused and says to the second vampire, ""hot water? This place has the best blood in town!"" The second vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, ""I'm having tea""