Vampire Jokes

WTF VAMPIRE BATS WILL VOMIT BLOOD INTO MOUTHS OF SICK BATS 2 KEEP THEM ALIVE THATS DOPE AF & STILL A BETTER LOVESTORY THAN TWILIGHT

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I'm going to be furious.

BABY COW: [points at human] What's that? OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album. In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

Hi, I'd like to order a baby "Excuse me?" It says here you deliver babies? "Sir this is a hospital" [vampire quickly hangs up phone]

I'll bet Vampire Kiddies enjoy scabs as much as human Kids love pudding skin

Three vampires walk into a vampiric bar... ... they all sit down at the bar and the first vampire says, "" I'll take a shot of O-"", the bartender gives him his shot ""I'll take a cup of AB+ please"" says the second vampire, the bartender gives him his blood and turns to the third vampire ""what do ya want?"" asks the bartender ""can I get a cup of hot water?"" says the third vampire. The bartender gives him a confused look but gets him his hot water and sets it infront of him ""what are ya gonn…

Three vampires walk into a bar... The bartender asks the first vampire what he wants to drink. He replies, through a thick Transylvanian accent, ""Warm blood."" The bartender pulls a live rat out from under the bar, cleaves its head off, and drains the blood into a glass. He asks the second vampire what he wants to drink, and he replies ""Cold blood."" The bartender pulls out another rat, chops off its head, and throws several ice cubes into the glass with the blood. The bartender asks the third…

Seminar topic at the annual vampire conference ""How to Deal with Stakeholders""

Halloween puns and bad one-liners Throw em at me! > What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people? Ghoul-Aid > What's a ghosts favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet > Why did Dracula go to the doctor? Because he was coffin

A vampire walks into a bar... and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks ""I thought you guys only drink blood?"" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, ""I'm making tea.""

Bad, bad jokes (they're a little sick - be warned) * ""Mommy, mommy, can we go out and play with Grandma?"" ""If you dig her up one more time. . ."" * Mommy, mommy, can Billy come play baseball with us?"" ""You know he has no arms and legs!"" ""He can be second base!"" * How do you babysit black children? Lick their lips and stick them to the refrigerator! * What does a vampire called a used tampon? Teabag * What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in the pool? Bob * What do you call a guy w…

What do you call a vampire who owns a restaurant? Count Spatula

[nsfw]-ish Three vampires enter a bar Three vampires enter a bar. The first is small and nonthreatening, walks up to the bar and timidly requests a wine glass of the finest blood, AB- if it's available. The bartender serves him a glass of the '82 Shatner and recommends a cheese to go with it. The second vampire is quite large and frightening and slams his gnarled hand on the bar demanding ""BOILING HOT BLOOD!"". The bartender, no stranger to this sort of patron, calmly microwaves a mug of blood …

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them. The strongest one started 1st, ""watch this,"" He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. ""what happened?"" they asked. ""did you see that house over there?"" ""yes?"" ""well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!"" ""wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire"" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "…

What is Dracula's girlfriend called when she gives him head? Down for the count!

A vampire walks into a bar.. He approaches the barman. The barman asks, ""what will it be?"" The vampire asks for a mug of hot water. The barman confused asks ""don't you folk drink blood?"" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says ""I'm making tea""

Why did the vampire have to get glasses? Because he was blind as a bat! (My 4 year old sister came up with this one yesterday)

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite

A vampire walks into a bar and asks for for a cup of boiling water The bartender says to the vampire dont vampiers drink blood? the vampire pulls out a used tampon and say yes im making tea!

3 Vampires walk into a bar. The first Vampire orders a pint of blood. The second Vampire also orders a pint of Blood. The third Vampire orders a pint of Water. The 2 Vampires turn and look at the third and says ""why have you ordered a pint of Water? You're a Vampire for Christ sake"" So the third Vampire pulls a used Tampon from his pocket, dips it in the water and replies ""haven't you ever heard of a Tea Bag before?""

Last night, my Chevy was bitten by a vampire. Now it's Vlad the Impala.

A vampire walks into a bar... A vampire walks into a bar. The bartender nervously asks, ""What can i get you?"" ""Just a cup of hot water"" the Vampire asks. ""I thought you guy's only drank blood...?"" the bartender nervously replies. As he pulls out a bloodied tampon, the Vamp says ""I prefer tea!""

Three vampires walk into a bar. Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down. The vampire bartender walks over to them and asks what they will be having. The first vampire responds with, ""give me a shot of blood."" The vampire bartender pours the glass and slides it over to the first vampire. The bartender heads over to the second bartender and asks what he will be having. The second vampire responds with, ""give me a shot of blood as well."" The bartender pours the drink and slides it over to h…

Why didn't the vampire eat out his girlfriend? Because it wasn't the right time of the month.