Vampire Jokes

If Dracula saw Twilight, he'd stake himself.

I like that they put Bibles in hotel rooms. You never know when you're going to run into a vampire who's on a road trip.

I asked this vampire to think quietly about what he'd done but then I remembered they can't reflect.

No one wants to talk about Dracula's defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

You always hear a stake through the heart is an effective way to kill a vampire, but actually, it's an effective way to kill lots of things

[on date] Ok, don't let her know ur a vampire. Her: I think I'll have a steak. A STAKE?? [turns into bat and flies away]

[audition for a vampire tv show] ME: as u can see in my headshots, i'm a vampire CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos ME: exactly

They refused to take my order just because I was wearing a dastardly Dracula cape. The people at the blood bank have no sense of humour.

A vampire could've photobombed every picture you've ever been in and you will never know

Help! I was in Chipotle and a Vampire Weekend song came on and now I'm a Toms shoe!

[interview] Okay, don't let him know ur a vampire. "What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?" OH COME ON

An emo vampire probably bites himself.

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood ... In 2012: he died of hunger.

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

[1st date] WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss? HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table* DRACULA: *just glares at her*

"No, Dad, Vampire Weekend is not like Shark Week..."

HAIRDRESSER: *holding mirror* and the back? DRACULA: *nodding* um.. yeah.. sure.. great thanks

[blood bank] Doc inserts needle [turns around] YOU AGAIN! [vampire sucking on tube like straw] GO ON SCOOT [chases him from room with broom]

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot Vampire: sucks the life out of u Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling Child: all of the above

I don't understand why people always fight becoming a zombie or vampire. Both seem awesome because you don't have to have a job.

[in a meeting] ok a Dracula movie except he's new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught- "that's just Footloose"

Vampire who is obsessed with his diet. -Count Calories

ME: You've put on weight DRACULA: No I haven't. Prove it ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into? DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

Dentist: How often do you floss? Dracula: Every day Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood. Dracula: Oh...I mean never. I never floss.

[first date] *Ok don't let her know you're a vampire* "Would you like a mint?" *reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000* "Dammit"