Vampire Jokes

How did the zebra get its stripes? Not many people know this, but zebras aren't actually born with stripes. There is actually an entire industry of people called ""zebra painters"" who go around painting black stripes on zebras. This is done so zebras aren't confused with albino donkeys. - An excerpt from ""Interview with the Dracula: A Contest of Jokes"": http://amzn.com/B00B586REE

Two (more) nuns (The [other two nuns joke](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/17mc11/there_were_two_nuns/) reminded me of this one so had to post) Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car. ""Quick sister,"" screams one nun, ""Show him your cross!"" So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, ""Get the f#ck off our car before I get out the car, rip your balls off and shove them down your throat, you little s#it!""

Where does a vampire go to buy his sheets and towels? Bloodbath&Beyond

THE BAT BET Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, ""See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people."" The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, ""See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people."" The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, ""See that castle over there?"" The other bats nod. "…

A vampire challenges his friend that he can kill faster than him. The go at the edge of a forest to hunt game. The first vampire goes at it, in 15 minutes returns all bloody after making his kill. The second vampire returns in only 1 minute, face all bloody like the other. His friend is amazed, and asks ""How on earth did you do it so quickly?"" The other responds: ""Do you see that tall tree over behind the first line of trees?"" His friend replies: ""Sure, yeah. Why?"" Gasping, he replies: ""I…

I aspire to write jokes for laffy taffy. Q: What do you call a gullible vampire? A: A sucker

A Vampire walks into a bar... He walks up to the bar and asks for a shot of blood. He drink it, pays for it and leaves. A second vampire walks in, orders a shot of blood, drinks it, pays for it and leaves. Third vampire walks in and asks for a mug of hot water. The bartender, perplexed, asks, ""why didn't you order a shot of blood like the other vampires?"" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and replies, ""tea-time!""

My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, until they get to a field with a single tree in the middle of it. All the bats are impatient, saying 'Harry is the blood here? Where is it, man? Harry repl…

Dumb jokes that are funny. THIS IS PART 2 part 1: http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/10ufom/dumb_jokes_that_are_funny_pt1/ Q: How do you fix a broken tuba? A: With a tuba glue! Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield? A: Its butt. Q: Where does George Washington keep his armies? A: In his sleevies. Q: What kind of flower is on your face? A: Tulips! Q: What do you do when you see a spaceman? A: Park your car, man. Q: What is invisible and smells like …

Lesbian vampires What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See you next month.

If you're 17 and your 200 year old lover won't turn you into a vampire so you can be together forever, he's just not that into you.

Movie casting directors were in town today auditioning people for different parts in a new horror show. ... ... The line of hopefuls was long and by the time the directors got to me, all that was left were some bit parts for vampire bats.

So drunk that if Dracula bit my neck right now, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn't see himself in a mirror.

TWILIGHT: Taking the N' out of ""Vampire Fangs"", since 2007!

How do you kill a vampire from the South? With a chicken fried stake

A vampire stopped coming to my nightly poker games. All I said was that he made too many mistakes...

what do you call a vampire that sucks mucus instead of blood? nose-feratu!

What is a vampire's favorite fruit? a Neck-tarine --From a great co-worker

Why did the vampire use mouthwash? Because he had bat breath

Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break.

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? My pad or yours?

What is a vampire's sweetheart called? His ghoul-friend.

Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank.

What is Dracula's favorite fruit? A nectarine.