Vampire Jokes

Why did the vampire consider himself a good artist? He liked to draw blood!

What's the thing u don't tell a vampire? Bite me.

How do you kill a vegan vampire? Steak to the heart.

What do you call a vampire ophthalmologist? Count Drocular

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall. The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: ""where did you get that?"" He answers: ""Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!"" The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: ""Where have you been?"" Smili…

A vampire walks into a bar He's asks the barman for a mug of hot water so the barman goes out back and fills it up. Before long the barman was back but did not hand the vampire the hot water but firstly asked ""if you are a vampire shouldn't you drink blood?"" The vampire then reached into his pocket and brought out a used tampon and says to the bartender ""yes but I'm having tea""

Three vampires walk into a vampire bar. The first vampire orders a cup of hot blood. The second vampire orders a cup of cold blood. The third vampire orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks the third ""Why don't you drink blood? You're a vampire, man."" The third vampire takes a used tampon from his pocket and answers: ""I like mine bagged.""

Two Muslim vampires are discussing the weather... Vampire 1: It's really Sunni outside. Vampire 2: Shiite! Courtesy of my 8-year-old.

What does a proofreader have in common with a vampire? They search for type-os

What does a vampire call a hemophiliac? Diarrhea.

What made the vampire a gentlemen? They would always ask their girlfriend before they came inside.

That'll do it! How do you kill a vegetarian vampire? You stab him with a steak to the heart.

Why dracula drinks the blood of virgins The same reason we put ""virgin"" into olive oil

Why does vampire Superman want to go out? Because he doesn't want to be around the crypt tonight. (you can tell i made that up)

A vampire walks into a bar.. He sits down and asks the bartender for a glass of hot water The bartender brings him the hot water and says ""i thought you vampires only drank blood?"" The vampire takes out a couple used tampons and dips them in the water and says ""im having tea""

Blonde's Bad Dream A blonde keeps having the same weird dream, so she goes to her psychologist. Psychologist: What is your dream about? Blonde: I am being chased by a vampire... Psychologist: So, where are you in this dream? Blonde: I am running in a hallway. Psychologist: Then what happens? Blonde: Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happens. I always come to a door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it won't budge! Psychologi…

What do you call a vampire, that follows the rules? Draculaw

Why did Dracula need medicine? Because he was coffin.

Reasons I think I might be a puppet vampire: 1. Ah ha ha! 2. Ah ha ha! 3. Ah ha ha!

My girlfriend is on her period... She calls me Dracula.

What do you call a director of an anti-vampire organization? A stakeholder.

The lesbian vampire Did you hear about the bar-hopping, lesbian vampire? Once a month, she goes to gay bars and drinks everyone under the table.

So I was drinking this vampire's blood the other day It was irony.

[Meta] I need your Halloween jokes. My Halloween costume is an Undead Stand-up Comedian. I need all your undead, Halloween, zombie, vampire, hell, ghoul, masked killer jokes you have. Currently my best bit is ""How'd I die? Well I was performing a set at an airport longue and it didn't go too well. I bombed so hard the TSA mistook me for ISIS.""

What do you call an elderly vampire? Grampire.