Downtown Jokes

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn't even apply for the job.

OVERHEARD - Woman 1: "We went downtown to visit 9/11..." Woman 2: "You mean the World Trade Center?" Woman 1: "No that's not there anymore."

Two condoms are walking downtown... ...when they see a pair of good looking tampons walking towards them on the other side of the street. One looks at the other and asks, ""Which one should we say hi to?"" To which his friend replies, ""Don't bother saying hi; they're both stuck up bitches.""

I'm going to make a city just for people with special needs. I'll call it Downtown

[Loong] Big red trike. A young boy named Jimmy, 5 years old, is looking through the Sears catalog. His birthday is coming up and he wants something great this year. Something *awesome*. So he's flipping through the catalog, going through all the Lego bricks, toy sets, whatever right? Well on the very last page of the section, Jimmy spots his heart's greatest desire. A big red metal trike. You know it. He just can't stop thinking about it. Day in day out, big red trike. Nap time? Big red trike. H…

I just bought a new house. And its causing a rift in my family. We just moved into the city, a relatively small city, near some historical landmarks, really deep downtown jnto almost hipster territory. Anyways, the house we moved into is some old religious art studio long since forgotten, with no more art to be seen of course. But its come with much more than we have bargained for. The city is constantly on our ass about what we can, and cannot renovate. Their main concern is this bible passage …

A very rich man gave birth to a son. On the son's sixteenth birthday, The man asked him what he wanted, and said that he would get anything his heart could desire. The son only asked for a pink ping pong ball. His father was curious, but complied. After they had cake and ice cream and the son opened his presents, he went up to his room with the pink ping pong ball. The ball was never seen again. The next year, on the son's seventeenth birthday, the man asked him what he wanted, and said that, si…

It's a day before prom, and Jimmy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surprising for a 17 year old boy. So he waits and he waits and he waits and finally he gets his tux when he over hears two boys talking about their dates and he thinks ""Shit! I need to get a corsage."" So Jim…

A drunk walked up to a cop on the street... A drunk walked up to a cop on the street and says ""someone stole my car!"" The cop replies, ""well, where did you leave it?"" ""It was right on the end of this key"" ""Well, you can head down to the precinct and file a report and we'll help you find the car."" ""OK, man"" and the drunk starts to walk away. ""Hey"", the cop says, ""before you head downtown you aught to do up your fly"" ""Oh, man"" says the drunk, ""they got my girl too!""

There's this sketchy joint downtown named ""The Disco"" ... ... I hear it causes a lot of panic!

I took my pet woodpecker with me on a walk downtown. Lots of people were pointing and staring. Finally a cop walks up, points in the direction of my woodpecker and said ""'Scuse me sir, but I'm going to have to ask you to put away your pecker."" So I said, ""well where is my bird going to perch then?""

Downtown with the girlfriend A man is fed up with his girlfriend joking that she is addicted to chocolates. He takes her downtown and points at a crack addict. The man says, ""Do you see him? Why can't you be that skinny?""

Someone stole all the toilets from the police station downtown. The cops have nothing to go on.

Two men are talking at a job placement office about how difficult it is to get a job when you have a criminal record. The first guy says, ""Well, it's all about putting a positive spin on it. Take me for example, I was arrested for trying to rob the same convenience store 6 times. So I tell people that I'm persistent, tenacious, and refuse to give up on a task once I've started it. What's in your past?"" Before the second man can answer, he's called in for his interview. 10 minutes later he walk…

There are a ton of nihilists protesting downtown today... They're part of the #NoLivesMatter movement.

College teaches you there's an easy way to do everything. A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he's shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the strawberries to fertilize them. The kid says, ""Hey, Pop, I learned in college there's an easy way to do everything."" So they go downtown to purchase some dynamite, and rig it up under the outhouse to blow the solids into the strawberry patch. As they run for cover, they don't see Grandma coming to use the outhouse. *KaBo…

Punch A guy and his girlfriend are getting ready for prom, by searching the Internet for the perfect dress and suit. Finally, on the day of the prom, they are satisfied. They drive downtown to buy their new clothes. Unfortunately, many of their classmates also waited until the last minute, and there is tons of traffic. After waiting in a long line of cars to get off the highway, they drive to the suit store. The boy is fitted, and when he goes to make his purchase he is greeted with another long…

A builder with 6 contracts to build downtown parking lots texts his workers in the morning ""We need to get a lot done today."" read the text. Later that day, he finds all of his workers still at the first job site sitting around and asks ""What happened!?! We have 5 more jobs to finish! They reply ""We finished one of the lots just like you said! Paycheck please.""

Bad day at the pharmacy Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife, tearfully she explained, ""It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."" Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, ""Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go…

Notes from the Chicago welfare office.... A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. 'WOW."" the social worker exclaims, ""Are they all yours?"" ""Yep, they is all mine,"" the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, ""Sit down Leroy."" All the children rush to find seats. ""Well.""' says the social worker, ""Then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."" ""Well, to keep it simple, the boys is all name…

Stumbling Drunk A drunk stumbling down the street walks up to this cop and says, ""Man, somebody stole my car."" Cop says, ""Well, where was it last?"" Man says, ""Right here on the end of this key."" Cop says,""I dunno man. Why don't you head to the precinct house and report it there. They'll get you filled out with all the right forms and papers."" Guy says, ""Okay,"" starts to walk off. Then the cop says, ""Before you go downtown you're gonna want to zip up your fly."" Guy looks down and goes…

Parking spot An old man was driving downtown in his Bentley. He drove around for 45 minutes until he saw a spot on the side of the street. As the spot freed up another man in a Lamborghini slides in and takes it before the old man can. As the other drive stepped out of his vehicle, he looks at the old man and says: ""You need to be fast to do that!"". The old man takes a second and slams his Bentley into the Lambo, pushing it out of the spot. he then backs in and with a wrecked front end. With c…

One day downtown I went shopping at the downtown Macy's and there was a guy dressed in a Ku Klux Klan robe standing on the corner. ""Whoa, I've got to see what he's up to."" I walked over and he had a large tray with a big sign that said FREE COOKIES. ""What are you doing?"" ""I'm giving away free cookies."" All I could think of to say was ""Are they any good?"" His reply: ""They're really good, but I'm prejudiced.""

A couple spontaneously decide to go on a date together. So they simply get in the car and go. They drive downtown towards all the majority of the restaurants available to them and pull into the parking lot of their favorite one. The only problem is that there is a giant wait time. So they try their second favorite. Same thing: huge wait time.This trend continues until they are left with a pretty unpopular and sub-par diner that's unfortunately know for their less-than-awesome food. The man and t…

The time my mother got robbed My mother was walking downtown one day when she was approached by a hooded man holding out a knife. ""Give me you money or I'll take your life"" the man said So my mother handed him her IBM employment card. ""What is this?"" He proclaimed ""It shows you that I have no money and no life"" my mother said