Downtown Jokes

A drunk is walking around downtown... When he walks up to a cop to complain that his car has been stolen. The cop asks, "Well, where was the last place you saw it?" The drunk says, "It was right here at the end of this key." The cop says, "Well, I suggest you go over to the station house and fill out a report." The drunk starts to walk away when the cop says, "Hey, before you go, you might want to zip your fly." The drunk looks down and says, "Aw, man, they got my girl, too."

Morning Jew Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza." "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Centre." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown." The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your…

Jimmy the Bum I was hanging around the bars downtown when I ran into an old acquaintance, Tom. He asks, "You come down here often? I gotta show you this bum I met. He's gotta be the dumbest SOB I've ever met." We walk over to the corner where a man was standing with a cardboard sign. "Hey Jimmy," Tom greets the bum with a smile and holds up $5 and a $1 bill in each hand "which one ya want?". Jimmy instantly points to the $1 bill and Tom hands it over to him. Tom has his laugh and walk off, "I'l…

A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop. A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop. "Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers." The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?" The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air." "Why?" asked the bl…

A Drunk is Walking Down the Street he walks up to a cop and says, "Man, somebody stole my car." The cop asks, "well where was it?" The drunk goes, "it was on the end of this key here." The cop replies, "I dunno man. Why don't you go down to the station and file a report down there. You fill out all the proper forms and they'll help you." The drunk says, "OK." And he starts to walk off. The cop hollers at him, "Hey! Before you go downtown you might want to zip up your fly." The Drunk looks…

Come on guys. We're almost there. A guy's wife in pregnant and getting cravings for unusual foods. One day she decides she just has to have snails and sends him to the store to get some. He goes downtown to the fancy seafood store and buys a bunch of live snails for making escargot. They put the snails in a paper bag and tell him to get home quickly as the bag may not last. On the way home he passes the local bar and one of his friends sees him and invites him in for drink to celebrate in expe…

A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product... Their CEO goes to an ad agency to inquire about creating a large billboard downtown. He meets with an account executive and explains his need: "We have a good business, but I just feel like most people have never heard of us. They just go down to one of these big box stores and buy whatever brand of nails they happen to have. I want people to know that "Western Nail Company" is the best brand out there, so I need a bill…

The Pharmacist's Monday Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to g…

A drunk is stumbling down the street, and approaches a cop on duty The drunk says, "Officer, I need your help. Somebody stole my car!" The cops askes, "Where was it when you last saw it?" The drunk replies, holding a silver key, "right on the end of this key." The cop chuckles, and says, "Well, you better head down to the station and fill out the proper forms. They'll help you out." The drunk says, "Ok", and starts to wander off. But before he can get away, the cop calls out to him. "Hey b…

I went downtown today. I was really surprised to see that the stationary store had moved locations

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet... It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surprising for a 17 year old boy. So he waits and he waits and he waits and finally he gets his tux when he over hea…

Happy Retirement My friends that still work ask me frequently what I do every day, now that I'm retired. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and entered a shop; I wasn't there for even five minutes. When I exited, a cop was filling out a ticket for double-parking. I quickly approached him and said, "Wow, officer! I didn't spend more than five minutes in the store! God would reward you if you made a kind gesture toward an old, retired man, such as myself." He completely ignored me …

Pun competition One day, a man was sitting at home with a beer in hand when he read about a pun competition being held downtown. He got up early the next morning and came up with the best puns he had ever seen, and entered his 10 best puns hoping he would win, but unfortunately no pun in 10 did.

I hear there's a telekinetic ice cream place downtown... They can make a rootbeer float

Drunk guy walking the streets goes up to a cop He says “Hey man, someone stole my car” Cop asks “well where did you last see it?” Guy drunkenly holds up his keys and says “on the end of these here keys” Cop says “well I dunno, sounds like you’re gonna have to go downtown to the precinct and file a report” Drunk guy starts walking away towards the precinct, and the cop hollers, “Before you go downtown, you may wanna zip up your fly!” Guy looks down at his fly and moans “awe man, they got my…

Four Golfing Buddies It was mid-February, but the weather had broken a bit so 4 golf buddies decided to get out for a round. Unfortunately it was Valentines Day. As they are waiting to tee off Joe says “this is going to be a costly round. To get out today I had to promise my wife I’d take her to that expensive new restaurant downtown.” Pete says: “I’ve got it worse, not only do I have to take her to a fancy restaurant, I’ve got to take her to see a silly romcom first.” Mike chimes in: “I…

In other news...someone broke into the downtown police station last night and stole all of the toilets. Police have nothing to go on.

A milkman is dying in the hospital He's surrounded by his two sons, his daughter, his wife, and a nurse. He turns to his family and says: "Peter, my eldest, I leave you the villas in Beverly Hills. Samantha, my beautiful daughter, to you I give the apartments in Los Angeles Plaza. Charlie, my youngest son, I see a long and bright future in you, so I leave the city center offices to you. And my dear wife, the three residential towers in downtown are all yours." The nurse hears all of this and…

In an effort to create a more traditional vibe for our downtown, I proposed bringing in some gas lighting. The city council called me crazy and said they already talked about this last meeting.

A husband came home and was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "The pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." ​ Immediately, the husband drove downtown, confronted the pharmacist, and demanded an apology. ​ The pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went wit…

Arkansas. Two rednecks, Dale and Billy Ray, were walking downtown, window shopping and suddenly, they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $10 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $3 each". Dale says to his buddy, "Billy Ray, looky there! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Arkansas, sell 'em, and make a fortune! Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl, so's…

(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt. When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger. Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes". Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

I got jumped by 5 black guys downtown the other day... The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.

Did you hear about the new Christmas restaurant downtown? They have an eggs Benedict dish that they service on car hub caps - it’s called “there’s no plates like chrome for the hollandaise”

A man decides to buy his family a pet So he goes downtown to a new pet store that's advertising exotic animals. Walking around the store the man sees a frog on sale for $1