Los Angeles Jokes

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A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it 'cause I made it up.

"Interesting story. I will now find a way to relate your story to something in my life so I can start talking about me again" - Los Angeles

How bad is my career? I met a homeless guy on the beach in Los Angeles & thought "Wow this guy has it made"

If you're in Los Angeles and lost your wallet near the Starbucks on Melrose I found your wallet but not the $58 inside it.

Pack your Bags A woman was going to Los Angeles from New York City for an extended stay. With permission from the airline was permitted to bring five pieces of luggage. As the clerk was starting to take the luggage, the woman says, ""I would like you to send the first bag to Miami, the second bag to Chicago, the third bag to Dallas, the fourth bag to Phoenix and the fifth bag to Seattle."" The clerk says looks at her for a second, then types a few things in his computer, then looks back at the w…

A Blonde And A Lawyer A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, ""I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."" Again, she declines and tr…

Reese Witherspoon was hit by a car in Los Angeles this morning. To be fair, the driver had just watched Four Christmases.

Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Dilbert, Dogbert, Garfield, Jon Arbuckle, and a whole lot of comic strip characters and their pets were on an airplane flying from Miami to Los Angeles... In the middle of the flight, the flight attendant gave out food to everyone but Charlie Brown and Snoopy. They asked him why everyone else got some food and they didn't. The flight attendant said, ""Sorry, but we don't serve Peanuts on this flight.""

Kanye West hospitalised in Los Angeles. At this difficult time, our thoughts and prayers go out to... ...all the hospital staff.

In South Los Angeles, a fourplex was destroyed by fire... A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire. A black Islamic group of seven welfare cheaters, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire. Six Los Angeles gangbanger ex-cons lived on the third floor and they died as well. One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire. Jesse Jackson, John Burris, and Al Sh…

Nate the snake There's this civil engineer who has a dream of a super-interstate-highway running from Los Angeles to Washington DC. After years of lobbying, he finally is awarded a contract to construct a perfectly-flat, perfectly-straight 16-lanes-each-direction highway from Los Angeles to Washington. So he employs all the best surveyors, to make sure the highway is a perfect straight-line from LA to DC and to make sure it stays perfectly flat. He subcontracts with only the best construction cr…

Bernie Sanders had a rally in Los Angeles last night attended by over 27,000 supporters. The rally set the world record for most Priuses in one parking lot.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You just look at him. Will Smith is black and wearing a black winter overcoat, it's pretty easy to see him. You don't need to look for him or anything, he's just right there. He's plowing his driveway. Wait, Will smith lives in California. It doesn't snow in Los Angeles does it? I live in Houston so I don't really see snow often. I think it's snowed like four or five times in the 14 years I've lived here, and only once was there any significant snow. (like…

What happens when the smog rises in Los Angeles...? . . . . UCLA.

The St Louis Rams are moving to Los Angeles... And Im too lazy to move out of my parents house

Los Angeles education Trying to give my kids an education in Los Angeles is a nightmare. The guns, the gangs, the drugs -- and I'm home schooling them.

If you're in a plane above LA... What happens if you are in a plane above Los Angeles, and when you look out the window there are no clouds beneath you? U C L A

What happens when the smog/fog/smoke over Los Angeles lifts? You see L.A.

Los Angeles announced plans to lease 288 all-electric police cars. Do you know where they'll use them? In Watts. I'll see myself out now.

Mexican fisherman The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, ""Only a little while."" The American then asked, ""Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"" The Mexican said, ""With this I have more than enough to s…

Long Distance flight A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains ""I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. …

So a liberal woman bought some land... A liberal woman from Los Angeles who took pride in being a tree-hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, Washington. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got …

I thought Los Angeles seemed unusually hot, but turned out the devil is Canadian. ""Welcome to Hell, aye.""

Where's the best view of falling stars in Los Angeles? The Betty Ford Clinic