Los Angeles Jokes

Two black guys were walking down the road in Los Angeles.... When they were hit by a police car driven by a drunk cop. One guy was thrown through the windscreen and his buddy was sent hurling down an embankment. The first guy was charged with breaking and entering, and the second was charged with leaving the scene of an accident. (I'm not racist but I laughed at this so hard.)

So a man calls an airport A man calls an airport. The receptionist answers. ""Hello."" ""Yes, hello. I have a question. How long is the flight from Los Angeles to Paris?"" ""Just a minute."" ""Thanks,"" says the man and hangs up.

Baseball Joke Funny Q: Who's the most famous Los Angeles Dodger? A: O.J. Simpson. Q: What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hotdog, and a Fenway Park hotdog? A: You can buy a Yankee Stadium hotdog in October! Q: What is the difference between Barry Zito and Bowling Icon Walter Ray Williams Jr? A: Walter knows how to throw a strike. Q: Yankees slugger Darryl Strawberry fouled a pitch off his foot and now has a crack in his big toe. A: This is the first time that the name Strawberry and th…

I want to get one of those LA hats everyone has nowadays When people go to ask me ""hey man, are you from Los Angeles?"" I'll be like ""nah dude,I just really like the french feminine definite article""

Chinese vacationers A Chinese family arrives in Los Angeles to begin their American vacation. They approach the currency exchange window to exchange 10,000 Chinese yuan. The agent gives them $1,600 and they go on their way. They enjoy their vacation but realize their American funds are depleting quickly. They return to the currency exchange a week later to exchange another 10,000 Yuan. This time the exchange agent hands over $1,400. The Chinese man asks in broken yet effective English why the ex…

Topical Jokes for 6/23 In Tennessee, a park ranger was fired for dancing on the job. After losing his job, the man went back to the park to dance, because it's a park and literally anyone can go there. Here in Los Angeles, the city accidentally posted a street sign for ""1 Minute Parking."" Once the city realized their mistake, they took the sign down, and replaced it with ""0 Minute Parking."" Carl's Jr is testing a new sandwich called ""Mashers"", which is a hamburger topped with mashed potato…

Our two new mods, ElderCunningham and iBleeedorange Hey guys, Not too long ago we started advertising new moderator positions for /r/jokes, and after receiving a bunch of submissions, we found our two candidates. I've asked them to write up a brief introduction for themselves. First up is /u/iBleeedorange, who also mods /r/diablo and /r/starcraft. > Hi, I'm /u/ibleeedorange , I recently graduated from Rochester Institute of Technology with a degree in Business studies & Marketing. I've be…

5.5 Quake Shakes L.A. Every 20 years or so, a large earthquake rattles Los Angeles as a result of the tremendous buildup of pressure in every Angeleno to talk about something other than show business. ~ Scott Miller

Two blondes on an ariplane... Two blondes are on a flight from New York to Los Angeles to get to a modeling job. About 30 minutes into the flight, the captain makes an announcement. ""We seemed to have had an engine failure so were are flying on only three out of our four engines. We will be about 1 hour late for arrival in Los Angeles. We apologize for the inconvenience."" The blondes give each other confused looks, shrug their shoulders and then go back taking duck-face selfies with Instagram …

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains ""I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a que…

Justin Bieber will be charged in Los Angeles about an egg-throwing incident in January which damaged a neighbour's home. The judge said it was the most pointless use of an egg since the fertilization of Justin Bieber.

I read in the news today that a man in Los Angeles was killed when he got caught up in a turf war. I wonder if he was mowed down?

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, ""Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, ""Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I…

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, ""Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax---OH MY...!"" Then silence. Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, ""Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry …

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, ""Give me all your money or I'll shoot."" One of them, when it was his turn, shouted, ""That's not what I said!""

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York. Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway a…

Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day a passenger noticed that the ""Fasten Seat Belts"" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing he asked the stewardess about it. ""Well"" she explained ""up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. ""In back there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?""

A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the captain made an announcement over the intercom ""Ladies and Gentlemen this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293 non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!"" Silence Then the captain came back on the intercom and said: ""Ladies and Gentlemen I an so sorry if I scared you earlier but while…

Police Lineup Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot." One of them, when it was his turn, shouted, "That's not what I said!"

A beautiful young blonde A lady boarded a flight, but refused to go to economic class and insisted that she get to stay in business class. When the first stewardess asked the lady to move, the lady simply responded: "I am a beautiful young blonde flying to Los Angeles." The stewardess could not get her to budge, and called another stewardess over. "Miss, this isn't your seat. We need you to stand up and go to the economic class seat that you paid for" the second stewardess said. Once again, the…

Morning Jew Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza." "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Centre." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown." The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your…

A programmer and an engineer A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, y…

Our two new mods, ElderCunningham and iBleeedorange Hey guys, Not too long ago we started advertising new moderator positions for /r/jokes, and after receiving a bunch of submissions, we found our two candidates. I've asked them to write up a brief introduction for themselves. First up is /u/iBleeedorange, who also mods /r/diablo and /r/starcraft. > Hi, I'm /u/ibleeedorange , I recently graduated from Rochester Institute of Technology with a degree in Business studies & Marketing. I've been…

A Man meets a Genie, Is granted 1 wish. A young man is going about his regular day when a genie stops him and grants him one wish. The man stops to think about it for a minute, then says, okay i got one. He tells the Genie for his wish he wants to build a bridge from Los Angeles to Sydney so he could drive whenever he wants. The Genie immediately said no, its not possible. The Pacific is just too deep, their are currents, the bridge will never hold up. Its impossible, wish for something el…

"The Personal Touch" The brothel’s madam opened the door to find an elderly gentleman standing there. “May I help you?” asked the madam. “I want Natalie,” replied the man. “Sir, Natalie is our most expensive girls. Perhaps someone else?” “No, I must see Natalie,” insisted the man. Just then, Natalie appeared and advised the man that she charges $1000 a visit. Without blinking an eye, he reached in his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two of them then went up to a room for a…