Los Angeles Jokes

When the smog clears over Los Angeles... ... U.C.L.A. I am not at all sorry for this joke. Edit: So at some point I went from 20 to 923 upvotes. I regret not checking this sooner.

A man is at the airport counter checking in his luggage. The man said to the agent, "I'm flying to Los Angeles but I would like this bag to go to Portland, this one to Albuquerque, and this one to Sioux Falls." The agent looked suitably shocked and said, "Sir, there is no way we can do that." "Why not?", replied the man, "You did it last time".

An old blues musician visits a beach in Florida. He comes across a man building the most beautiful musical instruments with the sand. Guitars, violins, cellos, all exquisitely detailed. The blues musician says to him "Make me a harp". So the guy builds him one with a tall, beautiful piller, an incredible soundboard and 47 strings, all impossibly made from sand. "No, no! You misunderstood. A *mouth* harp!" says the blues musician. "Oh, you'll need to go to California for that" "What do you m…

There was a guy in Los Angeles who wanted to go to New York and a guy in New York who wanted to go to Los Angeles. The man from LA drove to NY at 200MPH. The New Yorker drove to LA at 150MPH. Where did the two of them meet? In jail

A husband and wife sat down at their table at a coffee shop in New York. The wife saw a pretty young woman sitting at a table and wearing the most gorgeous pair of shoes she's ever seen. "I'd like to know where that lady got those shoes," she said to her husband. The husband walked over to the young woman and asked, "Where did you get those shoes?" "I got them in a store just around the corner from here," replied the woman. "Nice. How much were they?" "Oh, around 300 dollars." "Thanks for …

A milkman is dying in the hospital He's surrounded by his two sons, his daughter, his wife, and a nurse. He turns to his family and says: "Peter, my eldest, I leave you the villas in Beverly Hills. Samantha, my beautiful daughter, to you I give the apartments in Los Angeles Plaza. Charlie, my youngest son, I see a long and bright future in you, so I leave the city center offices to you. And my dear wife, the three residential towers in downtown are all yours." The nurse hears all of this and…

Intercom A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said,…

A blond and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a plane from New York to Los Angeles. The flight is long. The lawyer ask the blond if she would like to play a game; he asks her a question and if she doesn't know she pays him a dollar and vice versa. Tired

When the smog clears over Los Angeles... ... U.C.L.A.

Where will you find the most powerful man in Los Angeles? Watts.

What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? U.C.L.A

What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles? UCLA

If you set sail from Los Angeles, CA to Barrow, AK, what would your bering be? Strait

The other day I read in the paper, "A woman has been murdered in Los Angeles by a thirty-six-year-old man who has not been named." I thought: "Thirty-six years old and he still hasn't been named? What's everyone been calling him all these years?" Do you know what would bring an end to knife crime overnight? Guns.

A young New Yorker called directory inquiries. "Hello, operator," he said, "I would like the telephone number for Jane Jones in Los Angeles." The operator said: "There are multiple listings for Jane Jones in Los Angeles. Do you have a street name?" The young man said: "Well, my friends call me Bone Crusher." I really want to leave New York City, but I just put $6,000 on my Metrocard. Zach Galifianakis

Back in the 1940s, two first-time flyers took a plane from New York to Los Angeles. When they made their first stop – at Philadelphia – a red truck arrived to put fuel in the plane. A little while later, they landed in Pittsburgh, and again a red truck pulled up to fill the plane's tanks with fuel. Each time they landed to discharge or take on passengers, a red truck would pull up and add fuel to the tanks. Finally, after landing in Kansas City and seeing the truck pull up again, one passenger s…

The freeway near Los Angeles was blocked for three hours after a truck driven by a three-legged man crashed into a car driven by a bearded lady. Police described it as a freak accident. ACCOUNTANTS

Actual Medical Charts: The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. The skin was moist and dry. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran …