Downtown Jokes

Suljo & Mujo anyone? A favorite author of mine told this joke last night at a signing. He's from Sarajevo. There are a lot of ""Suljo & Mujo"" jokes in Eastern Europe: Suljo & Mujo were life-long friends in Bosnia, but one day Suljo decided to move to the US. After a couple years apart, Mujo decided to visit his friend in the States. Suljo picked Mujo up from the airport in a stretched Cadilac, top of the line. He tells Mujo ""This car, Mujo, this is MY car."" ""Wow, this is a beauti…

A vampire checks into a hotel... A vampire checks into a hotel downtown, and asks the bell-hop to carry his luggage up to his room. When they arrive, the vampire sinks his teeth into the boy, sucks out every last drop of blood, and throws him out the window. His dead carcass lands on a man who's waiting at the bus stop down below. The vampire then calls the front desk and asks for a bell-hop to be sent to his room. They send one, he knocks on the door, and the vampire grabs him, pulls him into t…

There's a drunk walking down the street... ...and he walks up to a policeman and says ""somebody stole my car!"". The policeman asks where it was, to which the drunk replied that it was right on the end of the quay. The policeman tells him to go down to the station and report the theft. As the drunk starts to walk off, the policeman says ""before you go downtown, you'd better zip up your fly"". The drunk looks down and says ""oh man they got my girl, too"".

News reports say that someone stole all the toilets from the police station downtown. The cops have nothing to go on.

An old Indian living in a tent.... An old Indian is living in a tent in a field. One day, construction workers drive their equipment into this field and find the old Indian. They ask him ""Old Indian, what's your name?"" The old Indian says ""Bowels"". Construction workers say ""Well, you're going to have to move. We're building something here and you're in the way."" Old Indian says ""Bowels no move."" The construction workers take pity on him and give the old Indian directions to a lawyer's of…

Rihanna's new clothes. Chris Brown is in the news again. At a popular club downtown he apparently got drunk and started shouting ""I'm gonna beat Rihanna till she's gold and white"".

Tomatoes Family A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, ""Catch up!""

GovSchwarzenegger's musical talents. One day Arnold Schwarzenegger and his two friends Bill and Tom were going for a stroll downtown. Suddenly a man jumped out of a doorway and said ""Help! We've just lost our three leads for our movie on famous European composers!"" Arnie and the boys, ever the gentlemen, decided to help the poor fellow. Once inside, the director told them who the three composers in question were and that they could pick each part for themselves. ""I'll be Mozart."" Said Bill. …

I was walking downtown and saw a sign with a pig and a dog. It said ""why love one and eat the other?"" I thought to myself ""they have a point. I should start eating dogs.""

A drunk gets his car stolen... A police officer is walking his beat as a drunk stumbles towards him and engages: Drunk: ""Excuse me officer, somebody stole some my car."" Cop: ""Well where was it?"" D (holding up his car key): ""It was at the end of this key"" C: ""Ah I see, well you should go downtown to the precinct and report it there. They can help you with the proper forms."" The drunk goes to leave as they Cop stops him and says, ""Before you go, you should zip up your fly."" The drunk loo…

I was walking downtown, and I saw a sign advocating veganism, that showed a pig and a dog. It said, ""why love one and eat the other?"" I thought to myself, ""that is a good point. I should start eating dogs.""

Polishing my shoes I was walking downtown when I saw a black man carrying a tv set, and it looked just like mine. So I ran back home and to my relief mine was still there polishing my shoes.

Father Thomas in NYC Father Thomas having just graduated from seminary in Kansas was assigned to St Patrick's in NYC. When he arrived, he was greeted by the Mother Superior, who told him that Pastor Sean was out> The mother superior suggested that Thomas take a walk around NYC and see the sights. As he's walking down the street a rather scantily dressed young lady walks up to him and says ""$25 for a quickie father"", being rather naive and not wanting to offend her he nods and smiles and say…

So I was talking to a woman yesterday... And told her a very interesting story that happened to me the other day. I told her about this very strange man I saw downtown. It went a little like this: ""So, a weird thing happened to me yesterday. I was out downtown where I saw this guy just standing there. He pulled something out of his pocket...and then dropped it. He then bent down and picked it up, only to drop it again. He kept on doing this....A few moments later, someone else came by, watched …

So a Panda walks into a restaurant... And the host, thinking this is a little out of the ordinary, asks the panda if he is here to eat. ""Of course."" says the panda. A little ashamed, the host walks the panda to a table and tells him the waiter will be along shortly. Soon enough the waiter comes along and asks the panda what he would like to eat. ""Oh, I'll have some macaroni and cheese if that's alright."" replied the panda. Off the waiter goes and promptly returns with some Mac & Cheese. …

Tie Salesman (x-post /r/ShaggyDogStories) A while back, I was working downtown as a handmade tie salesman trying to make a quick buck using a skill I'd learned. Though this was really just a side venture while I tried to find a real job, I was making a decent bit of coin. Additionally, people were recommending me as a source for their neck apparel. One day, this fellow comes up to me and asks whether I'd be willing to teach him the art of tie-making. I tell him I'd be glad to under the condition…

A penguin is having car trouble... A penguin is having car trouble, so he stops by a mechanic's shop for some repairs. He tells him he will need about an hour to find out what's wrong. The penguin walks downtown and it's a hot day, so he stops to get some ice cream. He doesn't have any arms to eat the ice cream with, so he just sticks his beak right into it. The penguin returns to the shop and the mechanic says ""It looks like you blew a seal."" The penguin replies ""Nah man, it's just ice cream…

A drunk man stumbles around downtown.. and he is approached by a cop. The cop says, ""Excuse me sir, where are you going?"" The drunk replies with a slurred ""I'm just looking for my car, but I can't find it. I think someone took it."" ""Well where was the last place you saw it?"" The drunk says ""Right here on the the end of this key"" and hold up his car keys. The cop goes to arrest the man but stops when he notices the drunk's zipper is down. He says ""Sir do you know your fly is down?"" The …

Not for Lunch My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several months, I said, ""I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."" ""Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own,"" he replied. A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards. ""We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like,"" he suggested. I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were …

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: ""I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?""

During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window under which they had placed a net but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall well-built black man burst through the crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely. After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man the mot…

A man works in the operations department of a large bank. Employees call him from the field when they have problems with their computers. One night a blonde woman from a branch bank called him and said ""I've got smoke coming from the back of my computer terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?""

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato stomps on her squashing her into a red paste and says ""Ketchup!""

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. ""What's in the bags?"" asked the guard. ""Sand"" said the cyclist. ""Get them off - we'll take a look"" said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told emptied the bags and proving they contained nothing but sand reloaded the bags put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to …

That half man, half horse... Did you hear about the half man, half horse causing a ruckus downtown last night? He was kicking over trash cans, yelling at people, just going crazy. The cops finally showed up, calmed him down, and asked "Why are you doing this?" Apparently he wanted to be the centaur of attention.