I took my pet woodpecker with me on a walk downtown. Lots of people were pointing and staring. Finally a cop walks up, points in the direction of my woodpecker and said ""'Scuse me sir, but I'm going to have to ask you to put away your pecker."" So I said, ""well where is my bird going to perch then?""

An old Indian living in a tent.... An old Indian is living in a tent in a field. One day, construction workers drive their equipment into this field and find the old Indian. They ask him ""Old Indian, what's your name?"" The old Indian says ""Bowels"". Construction workers say ""Well, you're going to have to move. We're building something here and you're in the way."" Old Indian says ""Bowels no move."" The construction workers take pity on him and give the old Indian directions to a lawyer's of…

I was walking downtown, and I saw a sign advocating veganism, that showed a pig and a dog. It said, ""why love one and eat the other?"" I thought to myself, ""that is a good point. I should start eating dogs.""

A penguin is having car trouble... A penguin is having car trouble, so he stops by a mechanic's shop for some repairs. He tells him he will need about an hour to find out what's wrong. The penguin walks downtown and it's a hot day, so he stops to get some ice cream. He doesn't have any arms to eat the ice cream with, so he just sticks his beak right into it. The penguin returns to the shop and the mechanic says ""It looks like you blew a seal."" The penguin replies ""Nah man, it's just ice cream…