Stan Jokes

Devil worshipper leader: "Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon." Stan: "Hey there."

Holy lord, that sneeze felt so good I feel like I just cheated. I even named it Stan to further delude myself. I'm such a bad girl!

Sue: I'm off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles* Stan: A power cut.

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back. Satan: WHAT

50 bucks is 50 bucks. Lois and Stan have been married for 35 years and every year they go to the state fair when it's in town. This year they have a new ride called 'The Helicopter ride'. $50 for a ride in the helicopter for 25 minutes. Stan really wants to ride it so he asks his wife if they can go. She declines saying that '50 bucks is 50 bucks and we shouldn't spend it on something so frivolous'. He is visibly upset but understands so they go on with the day. The next year they go back and th…

A jokester walks up to a drink stand... He asks ""Do you guys wanna hear a joke?"" The volunteers at the stand say, ""Sure, just get in the line of your desired drink and we'll be listening."" He complys and starts walking towards the end of the line and starts his joke: ""A jokester walks up to a drink stan--"" and then out of nowhere he gets shot, he collapses to the floor and right before taking his last breath he whispers, ""He never made it to the punch line.""

A programmer is having trouble with a program..... Stan has trying to make a program that can not only understand humour, but make original jokes. After a year of neural network testing and months of creating the perfect algorithm, he runs the program for the first time. Unfortunately all the program comes up with is stale, unfunny jokes that would get people booed off stage. In dismay, he opens the program to try and fix bugs but five minutes into the search and he bursts out laughing. He sent …

Why was Osama Bin Laden obsessed with Eminem? He was an Afghani-Stan.

Why did Bin Laden listen to Eminem? He was an Afghani-Stan.

Wanna Hear a Joke My Ex-wife still misses me... BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER... Ge-Get because marriage is such a terrible thing. -Grucle Stan

A rabbi walked into a bar.. Rabbi Epstein was a particularly tenacious clergyman and couldn't stand seeing Jewish people getting drunk. So one day he went into a particular tavern frequented by Jewish patrons. Rabbi Epstein walks into the pub and sees Stan from shul. ""Stan, do you want to go to heaven?"" The man said, ""I do Rabbi."" The Rabbi said, ""Then stand over there against the wall."" Then Rabbi Epstein asked another man he recognized, ""Do you want to got to heaven?"" ""Certainly, Rabb…

Dracula and Satan This joke was heard over the radio. Dracula, after being killed, pleaded with Satan. ""Stan, partner, send me back to Earth, I will help your cause."" ""On one condition, Drac,"" Satan answered. ""But no longer a vampire, although you can still sip blood."" ""Oh no, just a mosquito, you mean?"" Dracula asked. ""Or a leech?"" ""None of those,"" replied Satan. ""You choose to be either a surgical absorbent cotton or a feminine sanitary napkin."" ""Oh

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. ""Stop! You can't do this!"" exclaims the brother. ""And why not?"" asks Stan. ""Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?"" Stan says nothing. The brother grows impatient, ""C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."" Stan can't take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, ""You're sure you…

My name's Stanley, but my friends call me Stan... So no one calls me Stan

Two retirees meet in a cafe. The first retiree says, ""Hey Stan! I didn't see you at the doctor's yesterday. Are you sick?""

Two Elderly Couples Were Having Dinner... ...when one of the men says to the other man of the group, "Hey Stan, tell us about the college course you recently took!" Stan looks up from his dinner and says, "Oh, it was great! It was a memory class to help me to remember things better." "Did it work?" the other guy asks. "Sure did! I'm remembering stuff more efficiently now. It was a big improvement." "What was the name of the school?" Stan looks off into the distance, furrows his brows …

I don't like limericks generally, but here's a couple that I love A spiritual healer named Lee Ducked into an alley to pee He pissed in the eye Of a blind homeless guy who cried, "Holy shit! I can see!" There once was a poet named Stan Whose limericks never did scan When told this was so He'd reply, "yes, I know... ...but the thing is, you see, I've gone and gotten myself into this really rather ridiculous habit recently of always trying to cram as many completely unnecessar…

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, they named a drink after you!” “Really?” replies the grasshopper. “There’s a drink named Stan?”

What do you call a Middle Eastern moving company? Pack-it-stan

Who's Becky, Stan? She's just a country!

What did the Taliban soldier say to his buddy? Afgan I pee... Stan he fer me a minute.

Stan was a fairly good golfer but he always had a problem with the fourteenth hole on his local course. It was a short hole but there was a large lake between the tee and the green, and without fail Stan would drive his ball into the water. It reached the point where he dreaded playing that hole because he knew he would end up in the lake. Eventually one of his regular playing partners suggested Stan consult a therapist to rid him of his phobia. So Stan booked ten sessions with the therapist who…