Vladimir Putin Jokes

Vladimir Putin is dressing up in a taco costume... I guess you could say he was Putin' on the Ritz.

How does Vladimir Putin like his Thanksgiving turkey? Nuked

Loyal Guards Kim Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin were having a summit meeting at a 20-story building. During a break, the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards. First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, ""Ivan, jump down."" Ivan replied in tears, ""Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."" Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out. Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee starte…

Vladimir Putin is in the line for customs when he arrives at Poland for a summit. Customs Officer: ""Name?"" Putin: ""Vladimir Putin."" Customs Officer: ""Nationality?"" Putin: ""Russian."" Customs Officer: ""Occupation?"" Putin: ""No, just visiting.""

When Vladimir Putin left his home as a teenager he told his dad: ""You are now the man of the house.""

Great Russian Joke What's the difference between a shark and Vladimir Putin? The shark kills to eat, while Putin kills to ""AAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!"" ""Thump"" ...silence...

What happens when Vladimir Putin stands up too fast? Head Russian...

How do you start a joke about Vladimir Putin? By looking over your shoulder.

I mailed my maths homework to Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Queen Elizabeth II ...it said to give my answers to 3 significant figures.

Silly Political/Finance Joke What do Vladimir Putin, Crude Oil, and the Russian Ruble have in common? They're all going to be 65 this year.

A Russian news show is having a staff meeting to discuss their next program. The director looks at the entertainment reporter, who says that a popular ballerina will be appearing on the show tomorrow for an interview. Then the director looks at the weather reporter, who says projections indicate a particularly rough blizzard tomorrow and for the next few days. So then the director looks at the national news reporter, who says that a major opposition leader and vocal critic of Vladimir Putin has …

Topical Jokes for 8/28/14 Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have gotten married after ten years of dating. That's right ladies, Brad Pitt is officially ""sort-of off the market."" ...we're told Brad Pitt proposed by getting down on one knee, then knowingly chuckling to himself for nine minutes. It's been reported that more than 1,000 Russian troops are in Ukraine, despite Russia's denials. Vladimir Putin explained that the armed men aren't soldiers, there's no such place as Russia, and 1,000 isn't a …

Michelle Obama walks into a bar where the bartender is Vladimir Putin... complete the joke...

Local Call George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars,…

A bit of a Republican joke George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 …

Speculation was rife as to why Vladimir Putin has been missing for the last 10 days. Turns out he had the flu. That's what happens when you fight cold wars.

The Russians will probably do well at the World Cup. Today Vladimir Putin gave the Russian team a motivational speech. He said, ""Remember, if you can't beat 'em invade 'em.""

If you rearrange the letters in ""Vladimir Putin"" you get murdered.

Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train. Fidel Castro pulls an expensive Cuban cigar out of his pocket, lights it, and then throws it out the window after only a few puffs. Vladimir Putin and the Oort Cloud are both surprised by this and ask "what are you doing, Fidel? That's an expensive cigar!" To which Castro responds, "in your country/post-heliopausal region perhaps, but in my country these are as cheap as dirt." Then Vladimir Putin pulls a bottle of expensi…

Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin were in a meeting Obama said, "Mr. Putin, the reason that I love my country is that a man can walk right into The White House and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running The United States of America.'" Putin responded, "That's true in Russia, too. Anyone can walk into the Kremlin and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running the United States of America.'"

Vladimir Putin Speech Vladimir Putin is giving a speech in Moscow. He is praising his government for bringing economic prosperity to the nation of Russia. "In my government every citizen has a television set and an automobile to drive!" He says to thunderous applause. Once the applause subsides, a hand goes up near where Putin is and he notices. He calls out to the man whose hand is raised and says, "What is it that you wish to say, citizen?" The man begins to speak to Putin and the crowd quie…

Kim Jong-un and Vladimir Putin were in a meeting They had a delightful conversation, until Putin wanted to show off the loyalty of his men. Putin ordered one of his bodyguards to jump off the window. The bodyguard seemed hesitant, and horrified, he begged for mercy. "Please sir! I got a wife and kids!" Putin seemed unsatisfied, but yet he understood since he practically asked the bodyguard to kill himself. Kim looked at Putin with sadistic smirk on his face, and Kim turned to his bodyguard n…

Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror... (ahem) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder..." Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri? I mean, in terms of timing? I've been a bit preoccupied, so remind me, when was he killed?" …

Vladimir Putin making a school visit... Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions" But just as …

Vladimir Putin Vladimir Putin is in the line for customs when he arrives at Poland for a summit. Customs Officer: "Name?" Putin: "Vladimir Putin." Customs Officer: "Nationality?" Putin: "Russian." Customs Officer: "Occupation?" Putin: "No, just visiting."