Vladimir Putin Jokes

Putin goes on holiday! Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk. Customs officer: Occupation? Putin: No, just visiting.

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better. Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics. Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight. Obama: I don't believe you. I bet if we take your limo out for a spin I'll see some drunks staggering around. Putin: Okay, let me prove you wrong. We'll drive around and if you see a single drunk y…

They named a road after Vladimir Putin in Moscow. Problem is, whenever someone crosses Putin, they have accident.

Vladimir Putin was visiting an elementary school in Russia. After Putin explained to the kids how Russia is the most glorious and best nation in the world, he asked if any of the children had any questions. Suddenly, Aleksandr put his hand up. “Yes?” Putin said, as he pointed at Aleksandr. “Why do you want to reunite the Soviet Union and why are trying to take Crimea?” Aleksandr asked. “Well, the correct reason we are invading Ukraine is…” before Putin could finish his sentence, the bell ra…

Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train. Fidel Castro pulls an expensive cigar out of his pocket, lights it, and then throws it out the window after only a few puffs. Vladimir Putin and the Oort Cloud are both surprised by this and ask, "What are you doing, Fidel? That's an expensive cigar!" To which Castro responds, "In your country or post-heliopausal region perhaps, but in my country these a…

Vladimir Putin is riding around in his chauffeured Mercedes in Donbas... ... when a pig suddenly bursts out of the underbrush, runs in front of the car, and is immediately killed. Putin spots a farmhouse in the distance and tells his driver to go there and tell the people there what happened. The car drives up to the house, the driver knocks on the door and goes inside, while Putin waits in the car. A variety of loud noises come from the house, and an hour later, the driver comes out, thorou…

Vladimir Putin confronts his speechwriter after giving a speech. “You said my speech would be 15 minutes long, but I had to speak for 45 minutes!” Putin exclaims. His speechwriter replies: “Mr President, I gave you three copies.”

Why is Russia planning to have Vladimir Putin buried 100 feet deep? Because they all know that deep down he is a very good leader.

Vladimir Putin loses his favorite watch He calls in his most trusted officers and tells them to stop at no expense to root out the thief and his accomplishes. Three days later he asks for a report. The head officer says, "We've made progress. Twelve accomplishes, after sufficient torture, have admitted their involvement and been executed. However, sir we have not found the thief." Putin became enraged and said, "You lazy men! You call that progress? Only twelve men. Go back out and seek fo…

Putin is working in his office planning the Ukraine war, when the ghost of Stalin suddenly appears. Putin takes the opportunity to seek advice: “Stalin, what happened? why are things not working out for us?” Stalin gives him the advice: “Send 5 million Russians to their deaths at war, and paint the Kremlin blue.” “Why blue?” asks Vladimir Putin. “I knew you wouldn’t have a problem with the first part,” chuckles Stalin.

The Pope and Vladimir Putin are sharing a balcony in front of a huge crowd. The Russian president and His Holiness have seen it all before. So to make it a bit more interesting, Putin says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every communist in the crowd go wild?” He doubts it, so he shows him. Sure enough, the wave is greeted with wild cheering from the communists. “That was impressive,” says the Pope, “but did you know that, with just one little no…

Vladimir Putin and his driver die in a car accident Not surprisingly, they end up in Hell. The Devil gives them choice - they can go to Russian Hell, or American Hell. They look around and don't see much difference between the two; really, they both look fairly nice and pleasant. The Devil lets them know, however, that each morning, they must eat an entire bucket of cow shit before they can do anything else. Putin, having always secretly been jealous of America, chooses American Hell. His …

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack and falls into a coma... ... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard. He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appearance. After wandering around for a bit, he stumbles into the nearest bar. He sits down at the bar and orders a full glass of vodka. He sips…

Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals. "I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir." "Let's hear the good news," the president replied. "Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all." "That's excellent! Finally, things might be starting to turn our way! What's the bad the news?" The general shifted in his seat and looked down at the table. "A large amount…

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked: "How long will I live?" The psychic replied: "I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday." "Which holiday?" Putin asked. "Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."

Vladimir Putin visits a school... He asks a boy: "Who is your true mother?". "Mother Russia of course!", says the boy. Putin then asks a girl: "who is your true father?". "You, great president!", replies the girl. Putin then asks the quiet kid sitting at the back: "You there, why do you look so depressed?". The quiet kid thinks for a moment and says: "Feels sad to know that my father is screwing my mother in front of the whole world".

What do Peter the Great and Vladimir Putin have in common? They both lead Russia to the 18th century.

Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly. Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled. "What happened to you?" asked Putin. "Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, hi…

Vladimir Putin visits a school... He asks a boy: "Who is your true mother?". "Mother Russia of course!", says the boy. Putin then asks a girl: "who is your true father?". "You, great president!", replies the girl. Putin then asks the quiet kid sitting at the back: "You there, what do you want to be when you grow up?". The quiet kid thinks for a moment and says: "An orphan!".

On the Bulgarian edition of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire... The new contestant sits on the chair. He just grunts at the host's introduction questions, so they get straight to the game. First question - Which city is the capital of Bulgaria: * A. Sofia * B. Moscow * C. London * D. Paris Respondent: "I'd like to ask the audience." The host is stunned, but just goes with it. The results of the vote are as expected - 100% for **A. Sofia**. The contestant says he’ll trust the audience and answe…

Vladimir Putin Visits a School One Day And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world. At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says: “Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions” Putin: “go ahead” Sasha: “Why did Russia invade Ukraine? And why haven’t we won the war yet?” At that moment the bell rang and everyone went to lunch. At the end of lunch the Q&A continued and another kid…

Queen Elizabeth Vladimir Putin

Russian Elections Ministry of Russian election announcement: Elections of Vladimir Putin will commence as planned in 2018.

Tributes from around the globe are still pouring in after the death of Sir Roger Moore… The one from Vladimir Putin read: ""From Russia

Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building. During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.