Vladimir Jokes

Vladimir Putin, Fidel Castro and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train.. Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train. Fidel Castro pulls an expensive Cuban cigar out of his pocket, lights it, and then throws it out the window after only a few puffs. Vladimir Putin and the Oort Cloud are both surprised by this and ask ""what are you doing, Fidel? That's an expensive cigar!"" To which Castro responds, ""in your country/post-heliopausal region perhaps, but in my country th…

Donald, Vladimir and Angela find a Genie Lamp.... The Genie pops out and offers each of them a wish. Donald says he wants a 200' high concrete wall all the way around the U.S. to protect it from immigrants and drugs. Vladimir hears this and says he will have the same thing...a giant wall to defend Russia from the capitalist pigs. Angela says ""Fill them both with water"".

Classic jokes modified to Donald Trump and Putin One day while walking through the countryside the President of Russia discovered an old lamp. He started to polish it and out came a genie who told him that for freeing him from the lamp he would grant him one wish. Putin thought for a minute before declaring, ""I am a poor simple man with simple needs, therefore I wish that Putin pee vodka!"" The Genie exclaimed that Putin's wish was granted and disappeared in a poof of smoke. Putin runs home and…

Two Soviet commandos were crawling through a minefield. Ivanka was leading Vladimir through a belly-crawl in a minefield. Vladimir spoke, ""Ivanka, your mother must have been a ballerina."" ""Why?"" ""Because of your beautiful legs."" Ivanka replied, ""And your father must have been a farmer."" ""Why?"" ""Because of the deep furrow you're leaving.""

What did Trump say to Putin after he got elected? Well, Vladimir, urine for a real treat the next four years.

""What is the fastest thing you know?"" the interviewer asked to 4 candidates. Dave, the American, replied,""A THOUGHT"". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."" ""That's very good!"" replied the interviewer. ""And now you sir?"" he asked Vladimir , the Russian. ""Hmm... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know. ""Excellent!"" said…

How many Vladimir Putins' does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they didn't Putin enough effort. Just a play on his last name, nothing more.

Fastest thang in the universe An Indian Joke - Masterpiece! After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, an Australian and an Indian. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, ""What is the fastest thing you know?"" Dave, the American, replied,""A THOUGHT""…

Where does Vladimir keep his shit? In a Putin

The australian deputy prime minister recently shook vladimir putins hand As he shook putins hand he said ""you need to get out of ukraine"" Vladimir replied with ""I'm not in Ukraine. I am here "" What a guy...

You can call me Vladimir. Because I'm going to be Putin it in your butt <3

Two elderly Russian veterans go to travel in the jungles of Congo. They roam the jungle, singing vodka songs and hunting their own food for weeks, when suddenly a huge lion jumps on one of them out of nowhere, crushing the elderly Russian to the ground, vigorously biting off most of his vital organs one after the other. The other elderly veteran looks at him worriedly. ""Vladimir, comrade, is this painful?"" Vladimir looks up from the lion's throat and replies: ""Only when I laugh""

Vladimir Putin's Anthem Q. What is Russia's current Anthem? A. ""Putin on the Blitz""

Why did Vladimir fall off his bike? He was rushin

The Russian President Vladimir Putin called Barack Obama with an emergency request “Mr President, we need help. Our largest condom factory has exploded,” the Russian President explained. “My people now have no method of birth control! This is a true disaster!” “Vladimir,” said Obama, “the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.” “We do need your help,” said Putin. “Could you possibly send one million condoms to tide us over?” “No problem, I’m on it,” sai…

Russian Car Joke [This thread](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1sv7r1/old_russian_joke/) reminded me of this joke I'd heard years ago: We're in Soviet Russia in the early 80's and Vladimir has been hoarding his spare rubles for years and years in order to be able to purchase a car. The big day finally arrives; he's finally saved up enough. He goes to the Ministry of Motor Vehicles and after waiting in line for 5 hours, he is finally face-to-face with a bureaucrat and Vladimir proudly an…

The Russian brothers hear the propaganda about Siberia... how beautiful the weather is, how the shops are stocked with all necessities and luxuries, and prices are low. Boris worries "Maybe they're just saying that to get people to move out there and work in the salt mines. How can we tell?" Vladimir thinks a while, and comes up with an idea. "Hey! How about I move out there, and I'll write home and tell you how it really is!" Boris is pessimistic. "Suppose the censors see it? …

Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train. Fidel Castro pulls an expensive Cuban cigar out of his pocket, lights it, and then throws it out the window after only a few puffs. Vladimir Putin and the Oort Cloud are both surprised by this and ask "what are you doing, Fidel? That's an expensive cigar!" To which Castro responds, "in your country/post-heliopausal region perhaps, but in my country these are as cheap as dirt." Then Vladimir Putin pulls a bottle of expensi…

There's a Russian gay couple... One of them is called Vladislav, the other is called Karl. After happily loving each other for a fair few years, Karl discovers Vladislav is having an affair with Vladimir. Devastated, Karl gets onto his knees in front of Vladislav and bellows: "VLADISLAV? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!"

"What is the fastest thing you know?" "What is the fastest thing you know?" the interviewer asked to 4 candidates. Dave, the American, replied,"A THOUGHT”. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir , the Russian. "Hmm... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest…

Vladimir Putin is riding around in his chauffeured Mercedes in Donbas... ... when a pig suddenly bursts out of the underbrush, runs in front of the car, and is immediately killed. Putin spots a farmhouse in the distance and tells his driver to go there and tell the people there what happened. The car drives up to the house, the driver knocks on the door and goes inside, while Putin waits in the car. A variety of loud noises come from the house, and an hour later, the driver comes out, thorou…

Russia just warned it’s citizens that Canada is an unsafe place for them to visit. I guess Vladimir heard Canadians eat Putin with gravy and cheese. EDIT: Wow. I did NOT expect this. Please check me out at https://linkpop.com/illgates <3

Three men are training to be Vladimir Putin's bodyguards The training course is exhausting and incredibly challenging. On their last day of training, the instructor separates the three and and puts them in separate rooms, calling them one by one into the Presidential hallway. "Sergeant Andreyev, come into the hallway." "Yes, sir!" Andreyev marched into the hallway. "Sergeant, behind that door is President Putin. He is alone and undefended. On the table is a gun. You are to shoot him and …

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%... The other 20% are missing.

Vladimir does not pull out... He only *putin*